Wedding confusion! Help!?

Question

We're facing a big dilemma on where and how to have our wedding. We just got engaged (been together almost 5 years), we live in Arizona and have family / friends in AZ, CA, IN, IL, and MI. We are non-traditional and really don't want a big wedding. For my extended family, that would be like putting all the rats in a cage and seeing which ones eat each other :) So, here are the dilemmas:

1.) Do we get married here in AZ or go back "home" to IN/MI where our families are?

2.) We are both scared out of our minds about getting up in front of everyone and saying our vows. It's not the vows that scare us...just the fact that we're the center of attention. However, I really want what little immediate family I have left to be there, so eloping is out of the question.

3.) We're only going to invite between 30-50 people. How much is too much when it comes to the scale of the wedding / reception?

I need some suggestions. Thanks!

Answer 1

I'd say in Arizona, if that's where you're most comfortable.  

That would be likely the most affordable for you.  Before I moved to Cali, I lived in AZ... Where in Arizona are you maybe I can send you some ideas?  You could also do something pretty in CA - maybe at a beach (we have lots of beach in AZ, but no ocean ha ha)   I'm sure you can find a minister to do your ceremony where you have minimal speaking.  I know I always give my couples that option.  If you have any questions on developing  a ceremony, email me.

I think you can do something absolutely wonderful and affordable - base your ceremony and reception based on what the two of you like.  Don't worry so much about "tradition" and what you "have" to have.  You only have to have a bride, a groom, a marriage license, 2 witnesses (in AZ & CA) and an officiant. My favorite wedding EVER was my niece's - it was 100% Country & Western on my bil's property - jeans, boots, sit on hay bales, at the reception part of the weekend we were riding my bil's mechanical bull (nephew was a roper).  Completely casual, the drunk people brought sleeping bags and pillows so no one was drinking and driving.  BUT it was still also beautiful and special.

Congrats & best wishes

Answer 2

1.  I think you and your fiance should talk on this a little more.  My fiance and I are getting married in my home town in CO but we live in CA so there's a little distance.  But you can always have you real wedding back home and then come back and throw a second reception.

2. Just remember that you only have to look at your fiance and the person who is marring you.  Try not to think of everyone Staring at you rather than everyone watching a beautiful part of your life unfolding beforetheirr eye's

3. Too much could be 100 or more people.  I think that 50 is a nice amount of people to mingle with.

Answer 3

1. If money is a factor for many of your guests, it might be better to go "home" and do it there, if that is where the majority of your guests are. I think it would be more difficult to plan, but not impossible, especially if you are familiar with vendors, ceremony and reception sites and that kind of thing.

2. I understand yours and your fiance's nerves about standing up in front of people. But I have to tell you, during my own ceremony, I was so totally into the moment when we exchanged our vows, I forgot about everyone else there. It was just me and my husband. We had a lot of people at our wedding too, and it was like they weren't there.

3. As far as the scale goes, it really depends on so many things. If you are only inviting 30-50 people, you can have a fairly small reception venue, so your decor should fit the size of the space.  

Answer 4

I think you should have the wedding wherever you two feel more comfortable. Which place do you two consider, "home?" It may be more convenient for you to have it where your families are though?

My fiance and I are pretty reserved people as well, and we (mainly me) are worried about being in front of everyone, but I think if you only invite the people that mean the most to you, it shouldn't be too too scary. (at least that's what I am hoping!) We too are having about 35 people.

We started off with a wedding were you had to guarantee 55 people, so we were ending up paying $8000 for the whole wedding! We cancelled that and started over. We are getting married in a nice garden for $500, then having our reception in a nice hotel for under $1500. Which is WAY cheaper than what we originally had.

You may want to try planning it for a Sunday.. that's what my fiance & I are doing, and you end up saving A LOT of money from all of your vendors. The hotel is allowing us to have their buffet (which they usually charge $40) for only $30 pp, and they are adding in some appetizers for us. Our photographer allowed us to save $700 on our package. So a Sunday wedding can really save you a lot.

I just think as long as you only have the people there who mean the most to you, then you will have a wonderful day!

Congrats & good luck!

Answer 5

1) that's your choice.  If you don't think peopl can afford to come to you and you can easily afford going there, that may be the better option.  However, it will be a whole lot easier to plan a wedding near you since you can do everything and check everything yourself without having to fly back and forth.

2) I'm in this boat too.  I'm okay talking in front of people, but for some reason when its my family I get so nervous, maybe cause I now they will tease me relentlessly if I mess up.  You COULD do a destination wedding, even pay for some of the family who can't afford it (seriously, sometimes this works out cheaper than a wedding at home).  Go to Punta Cana, or some place warm (this will also put you on neutral territory instead of choosing between AZ or IN/MI.)  Go to a nice all inclusive resort. A lot of them have little chapels and being all inclusive, your dinner is free so you don't have to pay for all that.  You may not be able to have the typical reception but you don't sound like that is a huge priority to you anyways.

3) We're doing 50 people and we are having a garden wedding at the botanical gardens and reception on a patio at a gorgeous restaraunt.  We are paying $24 per plate  and only $300 for rental of both hall and wedding site.  So it is possible to find things nice and inexpensive.

Check out ww.theknot.com free to sign up and has ideas for all sorts of weddings.  So much information on there I can't even get through it all. lol

GOod luck and congrats.

Answer 6

Why not get married in AZ, in front of only a few friends so you solve the problem of speaking in front of crowds and then have small receptions in IN/MI for the families.  I know you want to have your immediate family there, but you are going to have to choose  - speaking in public or family there.

As for the scale of the reception and all, that's totally your decision. By the sounds of it though I think you'd feel more comfortable in something scaled back and casual. Maybe plan an outdoor picnic, or something at a local museum where you won't be the focal point.

Answer 7

I would have it in the state you are in now, just so that it's "neutral" territory and one family doesn't feel you favoured the other or something.  And then just invite who you want (just 30-50 people is fine!).  

I think many people underestimate how much people will travel to see your special day.  Yes it's putting them out to drive or take a flight, but people WANT to do it, and it's not like you can travel place-to-place for each person.  It's normal to have some people travel to see a close relatives wedding, and people that love you will be thrilled to do so.

A lot (if not most) of my fiance's family lives out of province and we are of course inviting them because we want them there, but we don't expect like all 40 people to actually fly down, but it's still a nice gesture to invite them.  And of course his immediate family will be traveling the long distance because they wouldn't consider missing it (grandma, close uncle, etc).  It's sweet that you don't want to "inconvenience" your family with your small wedding, but to them, it's not an inconvenience at all.

My sister's wedding was just this weekend and she had 40 people.  They still did a sit down dinner, open bar and dj with dancing.  You can do a lot with that amount of people, it just depends on what you want to spend.  Because so many people will be traveling long distance for your wedding I would recommend a traditional Saturday sit-down meal though.  Having like a Friday cocktail thing is a bit disappointing if someone is going to fly out-of-state to attend.  My fiance and I were planning something like that and then we thought about all the out-of-towners, and their investment in a plane ticket is worth a whole-day type of celebration.

Good Luck!

Answer 8

1. You should have the wedding wherever you dreamed of having it! Unless you want to have a wedding in the town where you grew up generally means your family is very close knit. A wedding in the place where you have made your own life, apart from all your family, is a statement of maturity. Whatever you decide, make sure it's what you want, not what your family thinks you should do. You may also want to consider cost. Can your families afford to travel?

Another good idea is to have a destination wedding, somewhere in the middle of everyone's homes. It is a unique option. Or have it far away from everyone. That way you don't have an offending Aunt or mother-in-law because you didn't choose their town.

2.  That's okay ... everyone's scared. Just focus on the fact that you're marrying the person you love. You are simply stating the fact that you are making a commitment to the other person. Trust me, when you look into your fiance's eyes on your wedding day, you won't be nervous at all.

3. That depends on your budget. If you're going to have different guests at the wedding and reception as some people do I would recommend not having the events one right after the other.

Hope that helps!