What did I do wrong?

Question

What did I do wrong (grammar, misspellings, bad wording) on this quesiton for this application for the job I need at school really bad or I can't go there. Any re-wording, just let me know! Anything to add?

Describe any leadership roles that you have had.

Examples - Any clubs, sports, or work leadership roles

In high school, I used to participate in Relay for Life (raising money for cancer). I was often in charge of organizing certain events such as car washes or meetings with the team. I also had to manage money and communicate with third parties. For example, I would be in charge of gaining permission to put up signs or hold a car wash at a gas station. I also used to babysit frequently during middle school and high school. Taking care of children has especially taught me time management, multi-tasking, patience, and responsibility.

Answer 1

good what u wrote ...suggestions to edit repetition of wordage...

suggestion u could edit fer hs, i particpated in r4l

use wording responsible for.....

reword/edit      instead of i used to  delete and rewrite something to

expanding income opportunities..during middle and hs developed childcare svs/services imroving mone and time management skills as well as social interaction with adult and childrenand all the other characteriztions mentioned..to help make you a well rounded..or whatever person confident descriptive words accurate protrayal

so if you meet in person yo have backup with references etcetera and  

Answer 2

Sounds very good, but add a comma before "such as" in the second sentence.

Answer 3

I hope you don't mind a really thorough answer - I love doing stuff like this though. :)

You want to be vibrant - active verbs and tenses, colorful language, and positive and assertive word choices whenever possible. Use a thesaurus (like http://thesaurus.reference.com/) if you need to!

You want to be thorough - why did you do these things? what did they teach you? how will you employ what you learned with what you're applying for?

I would consider making the following changes:

In high school I participated in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life to raise money for cancer research. I was in charge of organizing fund raising events, coordinating team meetings, and managing our team's money and communication. Throughout middle and high school I also babysat frequently. Taking care of children gave me the opportunity to develop my skills in time management, multi-tasking, patience, and responsibility.

It's really not that you did anything wrong - there's just opportunity to make the writing more relevant, more active, and more demonstrative of your abilities and experience.

* Try to leave out parentheses and make your comments an active part of your sentence - raising money for cancer is important and says a lot about your character so don't make it an afterthought!

* Try to use "responsibility" verbs like manage, organize, coordinate, supervise, create, lead, oversee, advise, etc. that inspire confidence in your abilities and interest in "stepping up."

* Try to avoid things like "for example" because it's a trite transitional word and just sets up a list. Command their attention, don't ask for it!

* Try starting every sentence with a different word. It'll give the response as a whole a more dynamic and interesting feel.

A lot of writing is in the details. They may not notice each individual consideration you took in writing the summary, but when it sounds different from the other ones they're reading - they'll know! :)

Also know that I left out the bit about car washes, putting up signs, and the gas station because it was a bit repetitive and didn't necessarily speak to your abilities. It doesn't sound particularly difficult to get permission to put up signs. By leaving it to their imaginations you're taking a slight risk, but I think this one is to your favor.

I would consider adding another example or two if you have any. Think about any sort of mentoring or volunteering you did that may fit into this idea of leadership or club roles.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Nothing,sounds great to me!