What do you think of this...???

Question

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As the golden sun let open its stream so bright

And immersed the drowsy sky in a morning light

Sheen-clad Maenis, astride the rushing wind of north

Chided his flying steed to open wings a-forth

“Fly on Qavnus! For rosy Luqrea has stood,

Her complexion restless, her lovely gaze so lewd

For it has been long since my lustful gaze broke free,

And eagerly ran upon her sweet-scented lea

Where loveliness unmatched, had laid her florid skirt

And embraced my soul in a boundless field of mirth”

With this, his patience’s thin cord, was set aflame

With heats of wild desires his heart could not tame

His restless eyes denied the benevolent sun

For it betrayed his beloved sheen…………

The whistling wind whispered a song of dismay

The least expensive service of the longest way

Despair is the only heir to impatience’s reign

And once succeeded, it shall burn the soul in pain

© 2008-08-20

(To be continued…)

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Answer 1

very nice, continue you lovely poem. I wish i can write Poetry like you!

Answer 2

AWESOME! I love it!

Answer 3

Overall it's not bad.  However, "wings a-forth" is more than a little contrived...and when you use the word "lea"...do you really mean "lee", as in the opposite of windward side?  Watch your beats and meter, and I'm not sure what's going on with "beloved sheen...." is there a reason you didn't finish the couplet with "sun" and why you used "sheen" twice in the poem?  I think  you can edit this again and improve upon it.  I still think you have some good images and your word choices show a good command of the language.

...keep writing

Answer 4

Very nice. Looks like it's a ballad that belongs in a fantasy book. You should write a book to go along with it. Have some bard sing it or something ^_^

Looks like Maenis can be some kind of old hero that the bard sings about or something. Maybe the story could be about Maenis and then the song at the end somewhere or maybe the story could take place after his time and people are singing about him. I dunno just an idea^_^ Either way, nice poem. :D

Answer 5

Its good what's it for?

Answer 6

amazing.,.

very poetic

Answer 7

It's fabulous!  Great use of imagery and has a great flow!  To offer some constructive criticism....I would avoid cliche' phrases like "so bright" to rhyme with "light".  I would try this:

As the golden sun let open its streams of light

And immersed the drowsy sky in a morning delight

I wouldn't change a thing about the rest!

Hope this helps!

Keep up the good work!