What is the funniest joke ever?

Question

I really need a funny joke to impress my friends. thnx

Answer 1

This frog walks into a bank to get a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patty Wack.

"Hi, I'd like to fill out an application for a loan", said the frog.

Patty Wack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something to stand against your loan?"

The frog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn."

"Well, I don't know," said Patty Wack, "I'll have to ask the manager about this."

Patty Wack goes to see the bank manager.

The bank manager looks at the statue and replies: "Knick Knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."

Answer 2

A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing

he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting,

he called the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber

on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically,

"but down the hall from your room is a vending

machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the

machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into

the opening, at which time the machine started to

buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman

pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection,

which showed the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign

that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.'

"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money,

inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine

started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he

pulled out his hands and they were perfectly

manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This

Machine Provides a Service Men Need When

Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents

in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some

anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out

a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen

seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to

withdraw his tender unit...Which now had a

button sewn on the end.

Answer 3

There was a chicken and an egg lying in bed, the chicken looked really annoyed and p*ssed of and although it was a double bed was facing the wall, away from the egg.

the eggthen sat up and said

' well..erm..i guess thats one question solved'

*which came first the chicken or the egg

Answer 4

"In honor of the late George Carlin, here are seven more words you can't say on TV: ''And the Emmy goes to Bob Saget."

- Jeffrey Ross

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Answer 5

Memory's Going

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember that."

"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said.

"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."