What would you do? Cheating.?

Question

Ok, I asked this before...just wanted some additional thoughts. TIA

Ok, WOW where to start? I'm just curious how many people stay with their significant other after a confirmed affair. Here's a brief description of my story...Ok, I have been married for 6 years, together for 13. I recently found out that my husband had an affair that took place about a month ago. Durring this time I spoke to a couple friends about the incodent and they gave me some additional information about him. I had susspected him of cheating on me with my cousin for 5 or so years. He always made me feel bad for bringing it up, like I was crazy and jealous. Weeeeell, my cousin admitted that they did have something going and shortly after being called out with this evidence so did my husband. Now this was about 5 -6 years ago. It was not even a year after we got married and while I was pregnant with our son to make matters worse. And these are just the two things I know of for sure. I'm not sure how many nights I spent alone over the last 7 years while he was out on the town. Ok, so...what do I do?! People say that we all make mistakes, that it's just life, to forgive and move on, or get rid of him! It's just not that simple for me?! I mean I am only 26 and we have been together since 8th grade! 13 years! And it was all a lie. But at the same time I don't know what I would do without him. How ignorant is that??? I guess I just want to know is it normal to be at such polar opposites?? I have never wanted someone to leave so bad and stay at the same time!!? UGH! Any serious advice is welcome. TIA!

Additional Details

Ok, I think some people are missing the part here that says he just admitted to having an affair a month ago also. And then yesterday I found out about the cheating with my COUSIN that took place 5-6 years ago. Just wanted to make that a little clearer.

All of this bothers me more than I can say, but I am just to the point where I am so numb!! Just numb! Esp. after finding out about the affair with my cousin. They have both appologized for it, but really my husband sounded less sincer than she did! He just keeps promising that he can change and I should look at how good things have been going for the last month. (since I found out about the other girl) UGH! Why stay? We have two sons together, money, we have so many years together and as crazy as it sounds I love him. Now, do I want to stay and chance it happening again? NO! And yes, I believe it also has a lot to do with self esteem issues also. I just feel so trapt! Like it's such a lose/lose situation!

I guess I should go ahead and put out there that we have had MANY other problems that we have worked through also...example, his alcoholism.

Answer 1

i can understand that some people make a stupid mistake and learn from it but he doesn't sound like that kind of person as he has repeatedly cheated on you so obviously has no respect for you

Answer 2

How many strikes are you going to give him?

Two affairs that you know about, alcoholism...

What are his excuses?

Can you trust him?

Will your children grow up thinking that this is a normal relationship or do they deserve better?

GOOD LUCK TO YOU,

if you want to stay try counsiling

Answer 3

Do you think you deserve this?  If the answer is "no", then you need to end it now.  Do you want your children to think this is how marriage is supposed to be?  Love is not supposed to hurt and it sounds as if that's all it's been.  Sure, it's scary to think about "going it alone."  Trust me, you owe it to yourself to find someone who will treat you and your children better.  Good luck!

Answer 4

Multiple affairs IS NOT any accident.  You can boot him now, or wait until he gives you aids.  Your choice.  Reardless of what you do, he is going to remain a cheater.  

Answer 5

You talk about having 13 years invested with this man as if it is a good thing, frankly I am sorry to tell you, it was a waste of time for you. Just because you are with someone for a length of time does not make the relationship valuable. It only means it took you that long to reach your peak of misery. It is obvious that for most of the years you have been with this guy that he has cheated on you. You were with him at such a young age that you have not known any other way to love or be loved. This has more to do than self esteem issues, it is also dependency issues on your part. You have grown to be so dependent on him that you fear leaving him. This fear is what you need to work on to be able to get to a place in your mind that you can be independent enough to do what is right for you and leave this man who totally does not have your best interest at heart. Only you can determine how your life will be. My opinion, who cares if he never cheats again (which I know he will), he already cheated on you with your cousin, that would have been enough for me. For any man to cheat and with a family member in my book is a man without boundaries and morals. If you want a man that does not cheat it is not going to be him. Get into therapy to help you with the steps to get you strong enough to move on. Good luck to you!

Answer 6

You need to dump him I know it's hard and it will take time to get over him but it's a part of life and a big percentage of people go thru the same thing as you so move on, once the hurt is gone you will have someone there in front of you that will make your life worth living. It's like a scar, the injury hurt when it happened for a while and then it just left a scar and thats all. There are plenty of guys out there that don't cheat and will not cheat, so move on you will hurt but the hurt will go away in time and staying w/him you will always feel that hurt look at you now it's a mess you don't deserve to feel that way. God bless and good luck.

Answer 7

I can see that you have a backbone, and are using it in the wrong location.

I was in a relationship for 6 years pending marriage and he had cheated on me in the past.  He started going out numerous nights without me, and wouldn't even invite me!  We split, and I am happier for it.

I know you have 2 children, but maybe your family will help you out for a bit, and you will meet the man you were meant to be with.

*hugs*

Answer 8

Counseling.  The ambivalence is normal, but that's the only generalization I can make about your situation, because it really is about the two of you and the dynamic you have together.  To work through it, the two of you need someone to help you sort through the issues that played into this in depth, and help you find strategies for improvement.  There are low-cost options out there, so don't let that be a factor.  If he won't go (which I'd take as a bad sign; he has to actually work at changing, not just say he will), go yourself.  Good luck.

Answer 9

Get on with your life and leave this one behind

Answer 10

My sister was with her husband for 7 years and he was a very bad alcoholic and he hit her when he drank although he never cheated she stayed for 7 years they have 2 kids together an 8 month old and a 6 year old she finally wised up and left him about 3 months ago and is in the process of getting a divorce i am very proud of her because i was very scared for her and the kids to be with him, my younger sister had a baby at 16 and she has been a single mother her whole life, I have a friend who has 4 kids and she left her husband cause he was cheating. So don't stay with someone just cause u have kids it's not worth u being miserable..You probably feel like you love him so much because he is all u know I was with my ex-boyfriend from the time i was 16 until i turned 26 when i was fed up with all his cheating for 10 years I wasted my life with him! now i am 28 and i have found a wonderful guy and we are expecting our first child!! Please don't waste your life being miserable there are guys out there that wwill appreciate you

Answer 11

I think you should look into divorce. Being that you have been together for so long, I understand that he is all you know, and are comfortable with. But, you are closing doors to finding true happiness, and someone who loves you enough not to do this to you. Plus, you will feel empowered by what you can do by yourself, this will boost your  self esteem. It will be difficult at first, but you will find yourself and will end up being not only a better person, but a better mother to your children.