Where do I cross the line?

Question

For the last two months, I have been supporting my fiance's financial troubles to the best of my ability. I loaned him money for a book for one of his classes, for rent, and for a silly game that he couldn't wait to get. I mean his phone got cut off a few weeks ago, and he was so worried about getting this stupid game. His priorities aren't straight. Even though he always returns the money to me, I am tired of supporting him. I understand that one day I might need help with something, but I have to admit that I am tired of supporting him financially. I love him and care for him deeply but I don't know if the way I'm feeling is wrong.

Answer 1

The way you are feeling is not wrong.  Your instincts are sounding emergency alarms in your head, and you are paying attention at least a little bit.

DO NOT DISREGARD YOUR INSTINCTS!!! You have them for a reason.

Someone who is more concerned about buying a new game than taking care of his phone bill, is NOT ready to take on responsibility for someone else.  He's not capable of managing himself yet.

This needs to be a LONG engagement, and he needs some time to get himself together.

You need to spend some time evaluating what you want from a marriage, and then the two of you need to see if you have the ability to work toward the same goals.

Talk is cheap, and actions speak much louder than words.  If this is something that is upsetting to you, and he has the ability to manage it differently, then that needs to happen before you guys even consider marriage.

It's one thing to be there for someone you love when they are in need.  It's another thing entirely to end up constantly having to be the responsible one because he cannot or will not prioritize his wants versus his needs.  

If you think you resent it now, think how you're going to feel if you have to use money you set aside to buy groceries or gas to pay the light bill he didn't take care of because he HAD to have that new game.

Or maybe he's supposed to pay the car payment, but HAD to go out with his friends, and now you have to choose between paying the rent that's due, or covering the car payment with the money that's left...

Take your feelings seriously, and if you love him, you guys need to have a long conversation, and as another person suggested, maybe even go to some classes or counseling unless he is able to really demonstrate a clear change in his management of finances.

Financial issues are one of the top three reasons for divorce.  Don't set yourself up to fail.  If you guys love each other, work this out prior to marriage.  If you are unable to do so, then you will save yourself a lot of heartache and expense by figuring it out beforehand.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

SOUNDS LIKE HE NEEDS TO GROW UP AND GET IT TOGETHER BEFORE HE MARRY YOU.  YOU DON'T NEED THAT KINDA STRESS!

Answer 3

You aren't necessarily wrong, but it's hard to maintain a relationship feeling the way you do. Know that you aren't alone - many women find that their new husband, fiancée, boyfriend, whatever has very different priorities than they do.

If this is a difficult subject for you and your fiancée to discuss, consider premarital counseling. A good counselor can help you two get on the same page about finances, future goals, disagreeing in a constructive way, etc.

Answer 4

you two need to talk and set ground rules, he had a mother once, now he has you, he will never grow up or be independant if you keep pampering him , especially over a video game !

Answer 5

i don't think its wrong to feel that way especially if hes being immature with his money.  Its good that he pays you back, but just to let you know, that this is what to expect when you marry him, and maybe worse too.

Answer 6

Sounds to me he is not mature enough to handle money.  His priorities are screwed up.  He is still a kid.  I don't mean it in a nice way either.  Sorry, but that is how I see it.

If I were you, I would think twice about marrying him.  If he is this bad now, imagine how he would be after you two do get married.  OUCH!

Answer 7

If he cannot support himself and does not have his priorities straight,how in the name of GOD is he going to support a wife and kids?

He will be wanting you to bail him out is how he will handle it.

Tell him this and that you are quickly losing respect for him and are getting tired of bailing him out.

Answer 8

Your fiance should do a little growing up if he intends to be a good husband. Think twice before making a lifelong commitment. If a game means more than keeping a necessity like a telephone, it's time to close the bank account to him until he understands what his priorities should be. Good luck.

Answer 9

He's not being responsible & your enabling him to continue this behavior.If something is important to him,& you allow him to have it,why would he put effort forth for it.Sounds like he's a taker & you deserve a giver.

Answer 10

Roni, I think that you should get yourself a man, and get rid of this boy. He will not change, and you will not be able to change him. How are you going to handle this if you turn up pregnant?

Regards,

Dan