Who has an opinion on this?

Question

We had a 9 year relationship as childhood sweethearts, grew apart and lived seperate lives for 10 years, he went on to have 3 children with the 1st girl he met and got pregnant within a month of the our relationship breaking up!! I was devastated at the time. We met again 3 years ago and kind of rekindled the relationship to a certain extent, he asked me to marry him when we first met up again but I was seeing someone at the time and told him I wanted the other guy as I was afraid of going back to the relationship especially seeing as he had 3 kids with his ex. My relationship since broke up. Now my old sweetheart and I are very close friends and there has been ongoing casual encounters. We Talk on the phone almost daily and text through the day, we have meet ups weekly or more frequently and there is intimacy. He is seeing someone else & living with her but he hardly sees her as her career comes first and she works long hours 6 days a week. I'm currently not seeing anyone else, he has said it would only take me to say the word for us to get together properly and be the couple we "Always should have been..." do you think this could work again? Would it be a bad move? I who was badly burned by this guy way back when and also by my other ex recently...I do have very strong feelings for my sweetheart, I never exactly fell totally out of love with him but I was very hurt & have learned to put up walls. He broke my heart but did move on with my life. We have both matured and are 2 very different people now but the feelings are still there. I am now wondering could we actually work as a couple, would I be making a huge mistake?

Answer 1

Hi Honey,

Funny how in your question you say you have BOTH matured..but it seems that what he is doing to his current partner is totally immature & you can't even see this. If someone hurt you so bad in the past, and he's now with someone else, but wants to get with you...ifhe does that to her - he's just going to do it to you again. You need to walk away from this situation & STOP sleeping with him too - you don't know if he's having s*x with his gf...forget what he tells you - look at his actions - they speak louder than words. You can't get caught up in this guys' life again...and are you truly prepared to put up with ALL the luggage that comes with being with someone that has 3 kids??? So what happens when he all of a sudden needs to spend more time with his kids & their baby mother??

You need a clean break from this guy - otherwise he'll be thinking he can treat you like c**p...get on with his life...and come back a few years later just for you to be waiting for him with arms open wide...please!

If you have nothing better to do with your life, then take him back!

Answer 2

You could try, but just remember his kids are or should be, the most important thing in his life (more important than you) and they have already had to deal with his break up from their mum, and this new girlfriend he lives with and doesn't see very often. And if you were to make a go of it, how will you feel about taking on his kids? How might they feel about you? It's not just about you two anymore - he comes as a package. It could work, but it could also get quite complicated, so I guess it depends on how much you want him.  But then love is always a risk.  

Answer 3

I wouldn't do it. Didn't you say he's in a relationship? If he really felt thatway he wouldn't be with her he would have left her already. If he'd do it for you, He'd so it too you.

Answer 4

You might be different but he isn't. Quoting your info :we have meet ups weekly or more frequently and there is intimacy. He is seeing someone else & living with her but he hardly sees her" Now he is just cheating on somebody else. And when he is tired of you, he'll do it to you too because he doesn't know how to be honest. Not marriage material.  

Answer 5

maybe the reason your paths keep crossing is because you are meant to be. i think it's always worth trying! it's better to try and fail then to wonder what could have been. best wishes  

Answer 6

I think this is a man who cannot function without a woman and he's keeping all his options open so he's never on his own.  I think you should ask yourself a few questions.  You were in a relationship with him in childhood for 9 years.  That's a long time....but you drifted apart.  Why?  It ultimately didn't work did it.  You say he broke your heart.  That doesn't sound like 'drifting'.  Was it another woman?  Soon after, he had a baby or three with another woman.  Did he marry her?  He did support his children financially but it sounds like the breakup there wasn't too amicable if she dislikes him enough to prevent him seeing his children despite him supporting them.  So the breakup isn't over money is it.  Something more fundamental....yet another woman perhaps? What happened there?  Do you know?  He then meets you again.  You were really hurt before but probably kept a little bit of him in your heart and on the surface he's a nice guy and you see all the good things about him and blind yourself to his faults because you would really like it to work this time.  That's fantasy isn't it.  As you say, you aren't the same people now.  Almost immediately, despite being in yet another relationship, he wants to marry you......but he doesn't want to leave his other woman until you say yes.  Why?  He hardly sees her he says.  What's the great problem if you are free and he doesn't see her?  If he were dead set on wooing you with marriage in mind, he'd be a lot more attentive and would have dropped her like a hot potato to prove that his intentions were real.  If she weren't around and he was asking you to marry him, I think you'd be going up the aisle right now rather than worrying that it might not work.  I also notice that YOU are the one who has to make this big decision so that he can break up with her and be with you.  It's not him making much effort is it.  Why not?  He might leave her and then you might say no.  Oh dear, poor him.  At the moment he's comfortable with things the way they are. You are having s*x with him and you don't seem to mind being his bit on the side.  If you are happy with that and don't intend to marry him anyway and can take perhaps more future 'other women', then use him for s*x and a bit of company, enjoy that and have a separate life of your own with other men if you wish.  (Wonder how he'd feel about that?)  I suspect, though, that you aren't a woman who can do that without a conscience.  I think you want to settle down happily with one man and no deceit.  If so, I don't think this guy is the right one for you however personable he is.  I'm sure he's lovely - you wouldn't be dithering about him if he weren't - but there are too many question marks over him and he carries too much baggage.  Good luck though with whatever you decide.

Answer 7

Before you move on with ANY relationship with ANYONE, you need to remember one VERY important detail about LIFE in general; it holds NO GUARANTEES!   EVER!   So don't think ANYTHING anyone of us tells you is the GOLDEN answer.  But "mature" people can offer you some insight and advice; some of which you already know.

As you said, you're both older now and more mature.  And you are both very different people (which maturity can do) but still have the same love for each other.  AND THAT'S IMPORTANT!

If you DO move forward with your relationship and marry, remember this 'ole saying,  "Go into marriage with your eyes WIDE OPEN.  After that. . . KEEP THEM HALF SHUT!"   Because there's no such thing as marrying "perfection"!

Answer 8

give it a try. take things VERY slowly tho, but yea, i don't see why not. I don't believe men stay the same, they actually do mature and change the same way we do.  

Answer 9

I would stay friends, but nothing else.  This guy hasn't changed that much.  He is flitting around from woman to woman and you shouldn't have to put up with that.  Stay friends if you need to, or even friends with benefits, but don't let this guy give you a baby.  Then you're even more attached.  Keep some distance or you could be making a huge mistake. If you're religious, I'd pray long and hard about this.  Sometimes, you just can't trust the heart to make the right decision.  Use your head, girl.