Why are people always so rude?

Question

My little sister, Mia, is from China. I love her sooo much, but whenever I go out in public or people find out shes adopted, they always make some type of rude comment. Some I have heard are... why is she chinese? why doesnt she look like you? Why doesn't she speak Chinese? Is she really your sister? Is she really in your family? Does she call your mom, mom? Those are just SOME of them! Why do people have to be so mean? She's only 4...its not like she's old enough to deffend herself! I'm 14 btw...not that it matters! ~Sydney~

Answer 1

A lot of people just don't know what to say so they say stupid things. Most of the time it's not intended to be hurtful. Sometimes it's by children (their friends) who don't understand adoption.

My daughter has had some shocking things said to her by friends (they are still young) like, "Why did your mom get rid of you", or "I don't understand how your mom (me) is your mom".

Fortunately my daughter has a good understanding and acceptance of her adoption circumstances. She knows her bio mom did not just "get rid" of her. She knows that she has two moms. I'm very proud of the way she handles these difficult questions in a truthful and matter of fact way.

In the end it educates and helps others understand it too.

ETA: To comment on Sunny's answer: I WISH all of the remarks could be said to only the mother. But I'm not with my daughter all of the time. I do think adopted children, as they get older, need to arm themselves with answers because there are always going to be people with insensitive comments about adoption:)

btw Sunny-I did not give you that thumbs down.

Answer 2

sorry that your sis has to go through all this.  plz ignore negative pple.  I have discovered that people act different and uncouth when the do not understand something esp when it is different from the norm

Answer 3

I think your parents did a wonderful thing by adopting your sister!  

I'm sorry that some people are really rude and stupid. Here are some answers you can give them.

She is Chinese because she was born in China. Why are you American?

She doesn't look like me because she was adopted.

She doesn't speak Chinese (and by Chinese I assume you mean Mandarin or Cantonese), because she doesn't feel like it.

Yes she really is my sister. Yes she is part of my family. Yes she calls our mom "mom."Do you even know what adoption is? Do I need to give you a website with the definition?

Answer 4

Can't change the world around you so you can only change your reaction when this happens.

Answer 5

That's odd that ppl would do that. I'm adopted too, but I never get looks like that, although enough ppl do ask, "Can you speak Korean?" It's so ah-nnoying. Next ppl say anything just go, "Yes, she's my sister and I'm proud she is."

Answer 6

i used to get rude comments and bit chy comments when peeps found out i am adopted bt i grew a back bone an told them where to get off.

Answer 7

It is important for your sister that your family answers questions in respectful way that acknowleges everyone's dignity.  She will model how your parents and you answer questions.  She is 4, so she can understand and feel "different" because people are asking questions.  You can talk to her about what she wants to tell people, rehearse possible responses and what is better to keep private and it doesn't have to be the same every time.  If someone asks a question, you can then turn to your sister and ask "Do you feel like answering that?" She can say no, or she/you can answer.  Also, don't ever reveal personal information about her life such as circumstances of her early life, her birthfamily, etc.  She can decide when she is older to trust with that information.

Some possible answers:

"Does she call your mom mom?", "Is she really your sister?"  "Is she really your family?":  Smile, say "yes" and move on.

"Why doesn't she speak Chinese?":  She has lived here since she was a baby/toddler.

"Why is she Chinese?"  "Why doesn't she look like you?":  She was born in China.  or She looks like her birth parents.

You can always say, "Thanks for your interest in our family, but we are busy shopping/eating. (whatever you're doing)"

You can turn the question around:  "Why do you ask?" often leaves people feeling like they usually make you feel  awkward/called out.  It makes them examine their motives.  Also, some people are interested because they are in the process of adopting.  They can tell you that and maybe you will want to share about the process.  

If someone asks "How much did she cost?":  You can say, "Well, she was free, but the fees for adoption services cost about the same amount as the doctor who delivered me got paid."

Again, you will probably use different responses depending on your mood or on the vibe you get from the person.  The important thing is to model appropriate responses for your sister.  Good luck.  You sound like an awesome big sis!

eta:  Bugsey is wrong.  People can be curious all they want, but it is WRONG to go up to a stranger and ask about visible differences.  People don't do it to interracial couples, people who are handicapped, etc.  People should not do it to a person who is a different race in a family, and they especially should not do it to a child.  That being said, you can't answer these rude people disrespectfully because that will send the message to your sister that her adoption is something to be hidden or that it's shameful.

Answer 8

See to me, those are not rude or mean questions.  And they do not need to be 'defended'.

People are curious, there's no stopping that.  Would you rather everyone NOT ask and just assume whatever they want?  Or are we all humans that can communicate and share different lifestyles with each other?

"why is she Chinese?" may not be the politically correct way of asking, but it's not rude.  Like I said, we're all human, we should be able to ask OTHER humans questions we have.  Share our different lifestyles and experiences.

If someone were to ask "Why would your mom WANT a Chinese daughter???"  now THAT is rude.  The questions you mentioned are just blunt, harmless curiosity.

Answer 9

Thats life..Not everyone is going to be nice and peechy...Just move on.

Answer 10

Some people are just rude.  My family is ethnically diverse, due to adoption and we've just gotten used to the fact that heads turn when we enter the room.  I have  biological teenager and two younger children adopted from Africa.  So, there's no question in anyone's mind that we are not blood related!

My teenage son (biological) also tends to get a bit defensive when people stare or ask some thoughtless questions.  He also educated himself about his siblings' country of origin.  Some questions about language and customs are more about the country of their birth, rather than adoption.  He was asked if they were part of our family.  He was like, "Uhm..yeah.  They're my brother and sister."  

I recommend looking at the Adoptive Families magazine, if your family gets it.  Or look for an issue at the library.  There is always a section designated to dealing with questions about adoption.  

Speaking of which, a great response is "Are you curious about adoption?"  Most people aren't intentionally rude, just ignorant.  And it's okay to not feel like talking about it all the time.  

Congratulations to your family.  Your little sister is lucky to have such a caring sibling!

Answer 11

because their life sucks so badly that it makes them feel better when they down put other people

Answer 12

unfortunately there are a lot of people that don't understand what is politically correct.

They are most likely just curious, but don't understand what they are asking is offensive.

Answer 13

Human nature, is all.   Ignore rude people or think about having some good come-back lines prepared in advance to ensure you are not left speechless

Sorry your sister has to hear things like this, poor little mite

Answer 14

The best advice i can offer is to be prepared and this book helped us as a family.  W.I.S.E. up! powerbook by Marilyn Schoettle.  This book teaches you how to get your power back in an awkward situation with strangers.  Good Luck.

Answer 15

I think people really just don't understand what tact is.  Here are a few replies you can use:

Why is she Chinese?  A:  Because she is from China.

Why doesn't she look like you?  A:  Because I'm not  from China.

Why doesn't she speak Chinese?  A:  Because we speak English here.

Is she really your sister?  A: Well she's not my brother...

Does she call your mom, mom?  A: No, she calls OUR mom, mom.  

People are dumb.  Sorry, you just can't change them.

Answer 16

Dear Sydney,

I think these questions ought to be directed to your MOTHER.  Certainly she knew when she adopted a child from the other side of the planet, these kinds of questions would be asked.

I think you ought to ask your mother for advice, and maybe if she didn't do any research before she adopted, about the challenges international adoptees face, she can learn about it now.

She owes it to Mia.  Good Luck.

Answer 17

I understand to the fullest of what you're talking about.... Simply people are rude and ignorant, yes there is a difference to these two. I am African American.  I am fair however  my mother is brown skinned. This is because my father is half caucasion. And so whenever me and my mother go out they stare at us. I look like nothing really... I could be Hispanic, Italian, or whatever.... no one ever thinks I am black.. And it's all because people are too ignorant to understand race and heritage.  Everyone is mixed if you think about it. Otherwise black people who are in America would be looking like tar(excuse that, but there is no other way to explain it) and white people would almost be clear. Noone is just white, black, hispanic, or asian.  But for you Im guessing that you are not the same race as her. I am a little confused, is he Asian or what? And I guess it only makes since that she call her mom because just because she didn't have her, she is her mom and will remain that way for life. But Im sure youll be able to relate to my answer.. Just remember people are ignorant so they end up just being rude...  But don't take it to heart sweetie... thats what makes the human race so beautiful... the diversity.