Why do you love him?

Question

When browsing yahoo answers, especially the relationship section, I often see women write of their 'man' problems where their husband is cheating on them, or beating them, or treating them like scum between their toes. And almost in every case there is that "I want to leave but i love him...i don't know what to do." or of course it's for the sake of the child.

But in those unusual cases where they 'love' him I wonder WHY DO YOU love him? What is it that makes you think or feel you love him regardless of his abuse? What is it this guy does that makes you say such things? And let's be specific, I know some will say "it's the way he treats me" or "because he still cares for me", but i'm lookin for specifics, what does he say, do, act WHATEVER that makes you still love this person even though he cheats, lies, beats, abuses, WHATEVER to you?

Answer 1

After the abuse they will usually cry and beg for forgiveness.Appeal to the mother side.

Answer 2

A lot of women have no self-respect and no self-esteem. They have no idea that they could be treated much better if they'd only allow someone to do so. Instead, they allow the man they "love" to treat them like c**p.

Answer 3

In most cases, and i know this first hand, is that they don't love who they found out who they really are, they are in love with who they thought they were.

Answer 4

It's the fear of not finding someone else/better that makes them think they love them.

Answer 5

I was in a series of abusive relationships when I was younger. I'm in a wonderful and healthy relationship now, so I think because I have experienced both I can answer this question.

First off, I think before the relationship happens women are drawn to these jerks for many reasons like: A traumatic even early in life like the loss of a father (my problem) or an abusive or absent father.  

There is also an attraction there whether its physical or emotional.

In my first abusive relationship I was raped and severely beaten, but he wasn't like that when we first got together, and I would always convince myself that he was still that sweet and caring guy I first met.   After he would beat me he would apologize and been sweet and caring  and get ice for my cuts and bruises and essentially take care of me when I felt vulnerable and weak... And, for -that- I loved him, I couldn't stand the abuse and the pain I was going through but for a few moments out of the day he'd make me forget how horrible he was while I was bruised and bleeding.  

I realized later that I was attracted to these "strong" guys and that's why I kept spiraling into these toxic relationships, I liked the bad boys who had a nice shell but ended up being rotten inside.

I know that it's the little good things that people like that do that keep someone coming back.  However twisted and delusional that seems.

People-I- was terrified beyond reason for leaving so I also had convince myself that there -was- love just to make my life a little less painful.

People who haven't been in this situation never understand why we don't just leave... I can only compare it to what I imagine kicking a heroine addiction would be like. It takes more work that someone wants to put out,there is no energy no -real- motivation. Often times the people who are in those situations are exhausted having to defend their partner, come up with and maintain lies about the bruises. It's easier sometimes just to take it and try and get past it. I was young and didn't have a job was living with my family so it's not like I could just pack up and leave, I eventually had the one guy put in jail and had a no contact order and thankfully that was the end of it and I only heard from him once since, but I am a much stronger emotionally and physically now.  

It may seem cliche but every woman should see the movie Enough with Jennifer Lopez. Not because it's realistic so much as to see what it took for her to gain power back into her own life for her and her child.

Hope this helps.

As a note: My family never suspected anything because I played lots of tough sports and blamed what was visiable on sports injuries. You can become a wonderful liar when you don't want others to know how weak and afraid you really are.

Answer 6

In my situation (emotionally abusive husband of 20 years)

First,  I believed him.  He didn't start acting that way until 3 years into the marriage, so I really thought he was right and all I did was try harder to please him.  It was like the proverbial carrot dangled in front of a donkey.

Second,  By the time I reallized there was nothing I could do to make him happy, we had 5 kids and they all had a great relationship with him and I was so loathe to break that up.

Third,  He is extremely good-looking.

Fourth,  He is fun when he's in a good mood and that just jerked me around, like a roller coaster ride.

Fifth,  The way he was for the first 3 years sticks.  I kept thinking of him that way for a long time...It took a long time to realize he wasn't that way anymore and never will be.

  I finally came to my senses a couple of years ago.  I practically hate him now but he doesn't know it yet.  Here's the final thing:

How do I tell him?  How will he react?  Then what will I do?

I hope this all made sense?

Answer 7

In my personal experience, I have been dating the guy for 6 1/2 years.  For the first three years he was perfect, but then he started cheating on me.  I found out about 9 months ago because he told me.  Initially he lied and told me he had cheated on me with only one other person, but as I started snooping, he eventually confessed to nine women.  He had even given me an STD.  I guess I still love him because I still want to see the person I met years ago that didn't keep secrets or lie.  I feel that if a person can make the decision to change for the worse, he can also make the decision to change for the better.