Will I Ever Get Her Respect ????

Question

my husband and i adopted a sibling group of 4. ages 11, 5, 6, 20mo. everything was going fine until recently. all my children calls us mom and dad except,you got it, my 11 yr. old girl. and recently she has been very disrespectful to us. exspecially me. i don't require my kids to call me mom. but i do reqire them to respect us. my 11 yr. old thinks she can do what ever she wants and should suffer no consequences. she is very mouthy. and although she is almost a straight A student i hesitate to reward her for that because she is so ungrateful for anything we do for her. nothing is ever good enough for her. i love all of my kids very much. but i am almost to my limit with her atitude. and you would think someone coming from the situations she did would be more grateful. and actually at one time she was and now she is not. is this a normal age thing or is this something else. please help me what should i do. and how can i help her to understand that we are only trying to be her parents.

Answer 1

You already have it and don't realize it! She is testing you. And the fact that she is taking the time to "bother" you means she loves you. She's doing her worst to see if you are going to give her away like her birth parents. What you need to do is make sure she knows she is loved, individually, even without the siblings, you would still love her. Let her know that you will NEVER give up on her, you will always be there for her and most important, you love her no matter what and always will.  Try spending  some one on one time with her, such as, every Saturday morning, your time, the 2 of you go do something....every Sat. morning. Make it a routine and no matter what, stick with it. She will eventually come around and realize that you do love her and will not give her away. She's making straight A's because she is a good kid, she's acting out because she wants to be loved and feel secure.  Trust me, I know this from experience. Good luck, just have patience and understanding. She knows her parents did  not want her, that's why she's  testing you, to see if you really want her or is it time for you to leave her, like everyone else has. Let her know that you are going to stay and that you love her, really love her. Sit her down, explain that you won't tolerate the disrespect, that you respect her and she should you. Make sure when you are going thru the list of things she cannot do or say, you tell her that she is your daughter, that you love her and this family is forever and that she can bank on it.  Start the quality time immediately after the talk, tell her that you are going to start a new tradation, starting tomorrow morning, the 2 of you will have girl time. Never let anything interrupt girl time, except an emergency. 5 & 6 yr olds adjust to changes in families easier than an 11 yr old, that's why you are  not having trouble out of them. They just want to be loved and won't do anything to jeopardize that, 11 yr olds, are always waiting for the other shoe to drop! Again good luck!

Answer 2

its the age lol... I was like that when I was 11, my sister was like that aswell and now my youngest sister who is 11 1/2 years is the exact same! haha, my mum says early teen years are the worst! good luck

Answer 3

and that's exactly what it is shes just real rebailus at this age she remember alot from her mom and she feel like since she not around thers no one else who could tell her any thing shes going to need counseling to come over the withdrawal and feeling of abandonment of her family

Answer 4

Everything you are seeing is stemming from the fact that she's becomming a teenager.  However, that doesn't mean the fact that she's adopted can or should be ignored.  All your other children are still young, so it's likely most of the parenting literature you've read, the experiences you've had, and your parenting approach are geared towards younger children.  Teens are a whole different ballgame.  

One thing to remember is that teenagers are pushing boundries to the max in an attempt to establish who they are and where they fit in the world.  This can be EXTREMELY annoying (even hurtful) to a parent, but it's important that as a parent you remember that it stems from the teens own internal insecurities.  The more insecure the child, the more likely they will act out.  Because your daughter IS adopted (and was likely adopted very late in life) she is naturally going to be more insecure than most children around her.  

The solution to this is two-fold.  First, you must begin to lavishly praise her for each and every thing she does right.  This does not always mean buying gifts.  Simply letting her know how proud you are, setting her up as an example for the younger kids, and saying constant "good jobs" and "I'm so glad you're MY daugher" are usually sufficient.  At all costs, avoid comparing her with anyone else.  It's kinda funny, but in many ways, manipulating a "tweenager" is alot like manipulating a toddler, since it's an equivilant stage of new development.  Secondly, you must increase your discipline.  Do not let her "slide" with anything, but avoid calling HER ungreatful.  Make it very clear that it is the action that is getting punnished, not her.  In fact, it would probably be best to sit down with your daughter with a chart of offences and consequences, that way she knows you're not reacting to her as a person, but what she's doing.  If you don't want to force her to call you "Mom" that's fine, but you should make sure she's always respectful to you.  In fact, it might even be best to have her call you another title, like "aunt" or something instead of your name...  but that's your choice.  

Good luck!

Answer 5

yes and no

you get the usual cheek from hormonal teens mainly girls but she needs to no she wont get away with i take stuff away or ground her what ever suits you. good luck

Answer 6

Reward good always. Don't hold grudges. Straight A's are much more important that mouthing off. Let your yes mean yes and your no mean no and you should be fine.

Answer 7

She wants her old parents, she does not want to let anyone else in because she might be afraid that you don't really love her and that you are going to put her back into an adoption center like her parents.... Hope I Helped...

Answer 8

First of all, don't expect an adoptee to be grateful.  SHE didn't have any choice in the matter!

She is a p*****n. It's likely normal behavior.  Sit down with her and talk to her about stuff. Her attitude and behavior may be reflective of those she has been hanging around.  If you are commenting negatively here, has she overheard you commenting about her behavior elsewhere?  My Mom NEVER had a good word to say about my behavior to me EVER and I'm a tad older than 11.  Although she says nice things about me to others, she has yet to have any respect for anything I do, not because I'm mouthy or rebellious, but because I don't think like her.

Answer 9

take her to a therapist and get her help that is what she is doing help.

Answer 10

I was like this and it hurts to see that you think of her this way. When you hit puberty or a little earlier you start to wonder who you are, even if you are not adopted and you go through so many changes mentally and physically. When there is the added confusion of being adopted it can put even more strain on the child and confuse and upset them even more. I used to test my parents to see if they would kick me out, because I had been shifted around a bit it's like it confused me that they WERENT going to give me away for being naughty.

It also sounds as if you are not talking to her about her adoption. Does she know her family details? You see, often adoptive parents think that if the parents didn't want the children then the child shouldn't learn about their history. But this is totally untrue, you have ties and when they are broken there is a giant hollow left inside and you either dream up ideal birth parents and even look for them on the street or want to search.

I would talk to her about her adoption, even if you honestly don't know much about it, say that, it's okay, but you need to recognise the confusion and pain that she might be going through. Try to ignore the bad behaviour and provide some boundaries that you would set for any teenager for instance bed no later than 9pm on weekdays, and no later than 11 on weekends and always tell you where she is going and that she can ring you ANY time if she needs help.

Please acknowledge what she is going through. I went through rages and I would scream and run around the house and pull my hair out and threaten to kill myself! this was every couple of months and it was because I was so frustated with the fact that my parents jsut did not understand the grief I was going through and whenever I tried to talk to them they would do this guilt trip thing on me by saying "we love you, look at how much money we spent on you etc etc"

I know my adoptive parents love me but thats not really the point.

Answer 11

Firstly you are doing a great and challenging job! Well done. Hang in there. Is this pre-teen changes with the 11 year old? Emotional and hormonal changes can made even a pre-teen more demanding and moody. Is she acting out because of her past too perhaps? Set firm boundaries, be clear about your expectations for her, encourage her strengths, include her in decision-making processes where appropriate, spend one-on-one time with her and find an activity or club she can go to on her own. All the best.

I do not require an answer to my questions!

Answer 12

Perhaps as she is entering teenage-land, she is revisiting grief.  I would set aside some special time without the other kids around and do something fun - perhaps manicures and on the way there and home in the car have some talks about her adoption, her past and her future.  I don't think an 11 year old has the cognitive skills to be "grateful" she is no longer in a dangerous setting.   She is where she is and she only can comprehend how she feels.  The world is a confusing place when you are 11, not a little kid anymore, but not a teenager with more freedom.  I think it's a great sign she is still getting good marks, and give her the mp3 player, she will be happy you were listening to her wants.

Answer 13

ask her if she wants to go back .....where she came from tell her you cant help that that things turned out life they did but that's whee god has blessed has blasted all of you  you found your pales in life and she has Simone that needed her a bad as she Ned's them i no it's hard and you think i dint under stand but i am here and i want to love everyone of you the rest of my life if you would just let me

Answer 14

i have a 16 year old the same way it takes time and a lot of patients but she may not know how to show respect if she has never been tought you can not expect her to just know how to act if she came frpm a hard and rough situation she is just showing what she knows teach her how to respect her self first and why the rest will come

Answer 15

Can I share something with you? I was a bio child of my parents. I wasn't grateful for them raising me because I didn't ask to be born, and I didn't know & didn't care how much effort it took to raise a child. I was also never rewarded for my good grades. I worked so-o hard trying to please them, and they never said "Good job!" Please tell her you're proud of her grades. Please tell her you know she is working hard for them. Please show her that her hard work matters to you, especially since she cannot appreciate your hard work. Please continue to give love to her even if she doesn't show it back. I know you're trying to do a good job! Maybe she just needs to see you model good behavior so that she has someone she can copy that behavior from.

Answer 16

11 year olds are brats.

Answer 17

I am having the same problem with our 9 year old foster daughter.  While some of it may be the age, I don't think it is right for a child to talk to an adult the way some children do.  It is disrespectful and it hurts.  But, she is a child and you need to let her know that even though you don't like the way she is treating you, you still love her.  You dislike the action, not the child....I'm sure you have let her know that.  Best of luck and try to keep your cool, even though I know it is difficult!

Answer 18

I've known many children in this same type of situation and lash out the same way.. why don't you try talking her out to lunch or something, just you and her. Don't just buy her stuff, give her that extra emotional care. I'm not saying you don't do that now, but I think it would really mean a lot to her to spend some alone time with her and you can tell her your true feelings for her.

Answer 19

Yes this is a normal thing, but you gotta watch it because you let her keep doing what she does with out no consequences then she gonna be like this her whole teen life, and maybe get worse. try to do things with her like one night play a game or bake cookies or something fun..she just needs time to get use of you and get close..Try to be her best friend...

Answer 20

I think she has probably been through allot. I know shes difficult but you can never love a child to much. I noticed you said something backwards in your sentence. Its you who should be grateful to be gifted this wonderful little girl, no matter how tough it is. I think you must have a big heart to adopt all these children. She might be scared to love you because she's probably been hurt before. Be patient with her and let her know that no matter what she does you will never leave her, never quit loving her and just because shes not blood doesn't make her any less of your child. You can also try to work with her through counseling or some sort of social work program. Raising kids is tough but I'm sure your doing the best you can. Keep up the good work. Also dont be afraid to reward her with  non material things when she gets good grades. She deserves allot of praise for it. Make her a special supper if shes doing well. Single her out and make her feel like a star!

Answer 21

It concerns me that you are expecting her to be "more grateful."

It was not her fault she was born into a dysfunctional family and she deserved a mom like you at birth.

I am also concerned that you don't reward her for good grades! Try to ignore the bad stuff and give lots of attention to the good stuff she does. She must be a very smart little girl to have gone through so much and still get straight A's.

She is the oldest of the sibling group and it may take time for her to adjust. Please give her that time and try to be patient with her.l

Answer 22

I'm going to assume that because this is a sibling group that came at older ages that this is a foster to adopt sitution. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

How long has it been since these children came into your home? If you adopted them as a group and the youngest is only 20 mo. then it hasn't been that long, correct? Think about what she went through before she came into your home. It could take her years to adjust, you need to have extra amounts of patience and understanding with her.

And if this was a foster to adopt situation, how many homes was she in before she came to you? (You don't need to answer these questions - just something for you to think about) How many other kids was she around that could have negatively affected her? Or how many foster parents that just weren't doing a good job? Was she abused? How many years of abuse? It's going to take a long time to unlearn all the behaviors she had to develop in order to survive before you came along. She's only a kid - do you really expect her to understand what is going on? She's reacting on instinct. Give her a break, give her compassion, give her your understanding and unconditional love - yes, even if she spits in your face - because she is testing you. Just like others have said - she lost one family, she has no reason to think she won't lose you. She might feel like it's better to get it over with now - to find out now that you don't love her then to find out years from now after she's learned to love you. She's protecting herself.

Don't they provide classes when adopting from foster care? Did they not talk about these types of behaviors?

I'd suggest reading reading reading - read books written by adults who were foster children and read their blogs.

Some books that come to mind are Orphans of the Living and On Their Own. I'm sure there are more but those are the only ones I can personally recommend. If you don't have time to read and educate yourself - make time - your family, and this little girl, are worth the extra effort. There are also books available to help provide tools for parenting older children and children who were abused and/or neglected.

As for the grateful stuff - you need to put that aside. Telling her she should be grateful is the last thing she needs to hear right now and my guess is, will only lead to further rebellion. She didn't ask for any of this, she's had a rough road in the past - she needs time to heal - not someone telling her to be thankful for what they are doing for her. It sounds like her whole life was out of control and now you are trying to control her emotions. She needs some control over her thoughts and feelings and she needs to be validated. She needs to work through her emotions of what happened to her prior to her joining your family before she can learn to appreciate what she now has.

I'll never understand this demand from adoptive parents that their children be grateful. I don't hear natural parents place such a high demand on gratefulness. I want my children to be happy, not grateful. But adoptive parents WANT children - that's why they adopt them. They should be the grateful one.

Answer 23

I think if she had RAD, reactive attachment disorder, you would be well aware of it,  it is  very different than being mouthy.

I hope you can get in touch with a post-adoption network for parents, maybe try PACT, or Sharon Kaplan to get some guidance on your child's issues, the gratitude stick is not a good thing to beat adoptees with, most already suffer from feeling unlovable as their mothers gave them away, and feeling like a burden to you won't help matters.

As she comes out of latency and starts to enter into adolescence she will try to form an healthy sense of self and identity, healthy kids do test their parents.  Adoption adds another layer.  

Good luck.

Answer 24

Oh, my gosh!  You are so awesome to give a home to 4 children who need love and nurturing.  What a blessing for all of you!  I can't tell you how much I admire you and your husband.

I think that you are experiencing a "lovely" combination of pre-teen angst and mourning for a lost family (good or bad - they are lost to her).

Frankly, my answer to your question is "Yes", you will get her respect because you are obviously loving and caring parents.  BUT you will need to earn it.  I know that sounds really unfair, but there is no "fair" in parenting.  I am truly concerned that twice in your question you state that you expect her to be "grateful" to you.  That is very disrespectful to her.  She did not ask to be adopted by you.  How can you expect respect in return unless you respect her feelings?

Answer 25

I think this is common. I have a number of adopted cousins on both sides of my family and all except one (baby boy adopted at birth, the others are girls who were adopted a bit older) have had similar issues starting at this age.

First, don't expect them to be grateful, if this child had been born to you they wouldn't be grateful either at least not until they were older, the same goes for adopted kids.

Second, the fact that you are reliable and stable may be a reminder of what was "broken" with her bio parents.

Third, children seem to romanticize the defunct parent. They can make them super cool and understanding in their head. It's the whole grass is greener thing...

I think family counseling is a must, there are organizations out there to assist with this.

Lastly, if all other adults have failed her she may be torturing you for all that the other adults in her life have done or testing to make sure that you won't give up. It is safe to be upset with a stable parent they won't abandon you regardless of the situation, so what may feel like failure could be a sign of progress.

Remember that hormonaly she is starting puberty on top of these changes in her life. Who can blame her!

Hang in there, you are changing the world for the better with these 4 little people!

Answer 26

Safely guessing she has RAD because she won't call her mom and is being disrespectful is as far out of left field as it comes, but I wouldn't expect it from none other than AdoptionsWithLove.

Shes been through some rough stuff.

Maybe you could try and just be there for her, and not try replacing her parents. You cannot force somebody to call you mom, like you said you don't, but you can provide stability and strength of security into a home for them.

Shes getting good grades, thats wonderful considering her and her siblings have had to be removed from their parents. This could be a mix of age, and experience. Maybe shes not happy with you, maybe she misses her parents, I don't know her situation, but even the abused can grieve their lost family.

My suggestion is therapy to help her grieve. Boundries to allow her own growth, and feelings to come, and shoulder after shoulder full of empathy and understanding.

Keep all expectations of "gratefulness" out the door. Who on earth would EVER want to be grateful they were removed from their parents and are now being raised by strangers? Grateful to be abused? aborted from your life and thrown into another with an expectation of "thanks for saving me."

Its a HUGE misunderstanding by the general public that we, foster children and adoptees should feel GRATEFULNESS because people are raising or did raise us.

No thank you.

Answer 27

I don't know if you'll get her respect or not but something troubles me about what you wrote. "and you would think someone coming from the situations she did would be more grateful." She's an 11 year old child.  Your JOB is to be a GOOD parent.  You expect an 11 year old child from a troubled background to be "grateful" to you for taking her into your home?   This MAY come later or it may never come.  Are children ever grateful for all that their parents do?  

You need to sit down and have a conversation with her and tell her that the disrespect is not acceptable.  I also recommend counseling.  If you have someone in your area who has experience dealing wth adoption issues I recommend you and yoru whole family go.

Answer 28

"She is so ungrateful for anything we do for her."  "You would think coming from the situation she did she would be more grateful."  

Wow.  Is she your child or is she your indentured servant?

Exactly, why did you adopt this child?  To give her a loving stable home or to expect gratitude for every single thing you do.

You're going to be waiting a long time to get that.

Try some warmth.  try some love.  Try some compassion.

This child was not put on this earth to please you no matter how much you want her to.

She gets good grades.  She's a little  lippy.  She sounds like a normal kid to me.

Maybe you are the one who should be more grateful.

Answer 29

I believe you will eventually get her respect but you will have to earn it through positive reinforcement and treating her with respect even when she disrespects you.  She is older, more mature and has been through a lot more than the younger siblings.  It will take time to break through her damage and broken heart.  She is not going to respect you for just being there.  You're probably going to have to work pretty hard.

Is she in counseling?  I think she would benefit from routine counseling once per week.  If you willing to seek family counseling with her it might even be better for her and for you.

Answer 30

It's probably because of when she was "visiting" mommy, she would buy her things.  I have this problem with one of mine (not adopted yet).  Luckily for us we caught the problem early and we put a stop to the shopping.  You never said how long ago you adopted or what the situation was like before hand...ie...did parents still have visits, were they totally free.  I would sit her down and explain to her that as well as you are proud of her she is acting like a little girl and until she learns respect / acting her age not to expect "big girl" toys...ie..mp3 player.  As I think that is a little big for an 11 year old, that's not my call and I don't know how mature she is for her age.  But from what she has been through and being the oldest, you have to understand that she still remembers alot.  Try getting her to talk to the school councelor / therapist...etc.  It has helped ours out tremensly!

Answer 31

Family counseling.