Will I regret adoption?

Question

My fiancé broke up with me last night, 2 weeks before our wedding. He wants me to just "cancel everything" I’m 5 months pregnant.

Even if he comes back and I’m committed 150%, he won’t be. He’ll freak out again no matter how much I love him.

I’m a 19 year old college student. I don’t want to be a single mom. I love my baby so much but I want him to have a family, even if its not mine. I want his mommy to not worry about wether she can buy him food.

My parents won't be a big help, they told me i was on my own, but they would love to be grandparents... i live and hour and a half away from them.

Answer 1

A lot of the people answering you are right, in my opinion, when they say that  raising a child will ALWAYS work out no matter the circumstances.  There are all kinds of ways to get help financially and with childcare assistance.  This nation will always take care of the children and parents of the children but for some reason leave the rest of the adults sitting in the mud.   It sounds like you really want to mother this child.

You may need to give your partner a little bit of space.  I don't really blame him for running.   I am about 5 months prgnant as well but my partner is the one who feels that wholeheartedly he should raise the baby......with or without me.  I"M the one running.  I feel frustrated and alone a lot.  I feel like this child should be given to a woman who is desparately craving motherhood...but can't conceive.  I HATE every thought about motherhood and I just changed my major to education K-6.  I couldn't be a teacher and then come home to more of the same work!!  I know that if I decide to walk away from motherhood, I walk away from my man and his family, which is like my family!   Even closer to me then my immediate family.  

Anyways, I share my story with u simply because the tuth is that pregnancy AND parenthood is hard no matter how the story goes.  Sometimes hearing anothers story can make one feel better.  It's wonderful that u are reaching out for help.  I hope u have a good support system available to help lift u up to the right path for u and your baby........and remember the best thing to do in any situation is

LET GO AND LET GOD......

Answer 2

no i think youll love it only if the kid doe not walk all over you

Answer 3

If you love your baby now, you will be crazy about your baby when sh/she is born.  Yes, I think that you will regret your decision - most do.

Please talk to a counselor (who is not in the adoption business!!) and explore your feelings.  Your feelings about your fiance are very raw right now, so this is not a time to make life decisions.  Things need to settle down before you start planning how to deal with your baby.

If your parents truly want to be grandparents, they need to get with the program and help you make plans.  Millions of grandparents help with their grandchildren.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Adoption is a long term solution to an often short term problem.

Make sure you know your rights - and make sure you read this -

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pd...

I wish you and your baby all the very best.

Answer 5

I was a 20 year old college student when I got pregnant with my son.  I was on my own and I struggled with whether I should give him up so he could have a better life.  I knew in my heart though that no one could possibly love him as much as I would and that I would hate myself every day for the rest of my life if I did.  It is so hard to do it alone every day, but I have never regretted my decision for one moment.  If you love your baby, you find ways to make everything okay.  If you feel like you could look at yourself the same way in the mirror without your baby, then give him or her up.  Good luck with whatever you choose.

Answer 6

I'm so sorry about everything you're going thruogh right now.  I think adoption is a wonderful thing and I don't think you would regret it as long as your sure thats what you want to do. Don't make a quick decision about it, you could regret it later if you make the wrong decision for you. There is no "wrong" decision between adoption and keeping the baby. Do what you think is best for your baby. If you financially can't handle it, adoption mught be the best thing. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 7

there's a difference between adopting because you know it's the best thing to do, not wanting the child etc and just being scared.

(1) if you're in college, stay in school.  there are a LOT of programs out there to help single mothers in school and colleges offer discounts on day care for people who work and go to school there.  

(2) look into the wic program, and increasing your student loans.  then you won't have to worry about how to feed your infant

(3) if you really think your parents want to become grandparents, then believe me they'll come through.  they're disappointed and angry, but they'll likely be disappointed and angry and buying your baby the things he needs as well.  don't underestimate the power of love for family, and the power of love for strangers.

pretty much in short, you seem to want this baby so keep it.  instead of thinking negative, take control of the situation and thing about how you CAN make it work.

give your fiance time, he's very young and this is a lot of pressure.  even older fathers cave into the pressure.  don't expect much of him, right now focus on you and the baby, and be open to taking him back in once he grows up, if that's what you want.

anyway, i don't think adoption is for you personally.  other people yes, you no.

good luck

*edit:  i should also mention i'm adopted, and very happy.  not all adoptees are happy or miserable.  i've met many in either camp

Answer 8

First off I wish you luck in whatever you decide. There were so many good stories on here I didn't even have time to read them all. Everyone's hearts seem to go out to you. Keep in mind you are not alone. This guy (who right now your probably miss like crazy) isn't right for you. Don't fret about him. You can be a strong, independent woman without him!

As far as adoption, I suggest you don't. I think you may regret it. If you think there is a way to survive and be happy as a young mother than do it. You parents offering to be grandparents is a good sign. Give them time they will come around.

You know 2 years down the road you will not even know what life could be like without a child! Being a mom is amazing. I just graduated college and I have an almost 3 year old. We got by. He is happy, healthy, and with his mom. Tears come to my eyes just thinking of him being with another family.

I think you should try and make it work. Stay in school. Make sure you and your child are happy and everything else will eventually fall into place.

Answer 9

Yes. Its very rare to meet a birth mother in your situation that hasn't regretted it. My sister was in your situation and is still having problems.  She had her child in a time where there were not many organizations out there helping young women. Your child will not care about finances, she/he just wants to be loved by its mother. It will be tough for a few years but at least you will know your child will not have to deal with the emotional problems that will develop for being put up for adoption.  Where there's a will there's a way. You will be able to get gov't assistance for your education, medical, and food.  After Hillary/Obama are elected there will be even more and hopeful the adoption society will start to support/contribute to the whats best for the welfare of children. A child should be with its bio parents and finances should never be used to prevent this. Today it is because too many people can't have children of their own and they only care about themselves and their situations. Good luck with your decision and I would suggest waiting until after you have your child and your hormones have leveled off. Don't talk to any agencies until this time because they will try to talk you into giving the child up because they need a paycheck. Avoid open adoption unless you get a really good attorney that can close the loopholes many adoptive parents use to get rid of the birth parents after they adopt.

Answer 10

although i can't tell you what to feel or do, i can tell you that you will not truly know what you will want until this baby is born and in your arms.  if you are interested in adoption, wait until you give birth.

also, being a single mother, in college is not the worst thing in the world. many have done it, including myself. and there is TONS of assistance to help you. don't let people feed on your insecurities (because many will, just to get you to place your baby). and don't contact an adoption agency unless you are 100% sure this is what you want to do.

ETA: i also have to acknowledge that it appears as if you are connecting your emotions with this pregnancy (*child) with your partner.  don't do that. many women have children with men whom they do not have great relationships with, yet love the children conceived with these men unconditionally. the child and the father are mutually exclusive.  in a perfect situation, there is "love...marriage...baby-carriage", but when you are faced with a baby and no partner, it's problematic to make a decisions as serious as adoption based on a failing relationship or parents who are upset.  also, i find it amazing that your parents have 'thrown you under the bus' regarding this pregnancy and baby. but...even that should NOT motivate your decision. and you should NOT make that choice until after you deliver because you have NO IDEA how you'll feel.

please get in touch with some parenting groups, and social service programs that will help you during your pregnancy and afterwards.

Answer 11

Shame on your parents.

You will come to regret your decision at some time in your life. It might be 2 weeks, 2years or 20 years and of course it will be too late. You will cry on every birthday and Christmas. You will wonder how she is, what she looks like and is she happy. Is her new family good to her, the list is endless. You might suffer from depression, have trust issues (I'm sure you already have this one) and low self esteem.

And when your child comes to find you, how will you answer this? Why did you give me away? Nothing you can say will be a good enough answer, I know because in 1972, I gave my daughter up for adoption, because " it was best". You will never recover from giving your child up, you will never "get over it" as people might tell you to do.

You might have to move closer to your parents, go to a different school, go at night, but don't give up on you and your baby. Your boyfriend will have to pay child support for the next 18 years. I bet he was scared to death, a baby and a marriage is tough, I hope he comes around and that you can be a family.

Answer 12

Hello,



I am so so sorry you are going through this right now.

You are sapose to be happy and getting ready to bring this baby into the world.

My advise to you is to really think about what your feelings are to this child. Do you have a connection with him/her? Can you picture the baby being 5,10,15 years old. Because that is the reality of it. They are human beings, not just cute little babies.

Please don't stop reading!

I had a child at 21, he is 14 now. The Dad? we all have those stories.

You have to put that out of your mind, From the moment you got pregant you were a single Mom. I'm just saying, that most men at 19 are not ready or able to commit to fatherhood let alone being a faithful,HARDWORKING husband. Because that is what it takes. For him it may be 50-60 hour work weeks or 2 jobs. for you it may be taking care of Junior, finishing college, and maybe working part time.

That is just a taste of what it takes for a couple to make it being a family together.

If you decide to do this, you and your baby, That is a family. You don't NEED a man to do this. And it sounds like you would do better with out him anyway.

Trust me, when I say sometimes it's easier not having a man than it is having one. Remember it is all relative! The grass is always greener, you know?

I'm not saying its easy. There were many days I cried, but the end result was gratifing, and I knew I loved my son and still do.

Now I have 2 children and a husband who worships all of us, as we do him. But I bided my time and waited until I knew this was the one that was going to stand by me and be a man, even with a child that wasn't his. He has taken care of my son for 12 years now. We've been married for 7.

There is nothing wrong with waiting, it's a helluva lot better that making mistakes.

Sorry this was so long, I just feel for you and want you to know that What ever you decide it's your choice, But look deep in your heart and know what you want and know that either way your Baby will be loved.

good luck to you.

I will be thinking of you.

[e-mail] if you need anything or want to talk.

Answer 13

Your baby doesn't care whether s/he has money and stuff.  You'll FIND a way to feed your baby, trust me (this is America - I assume you're in America - people don't have to starve here, there are tons of programs).  The only thing your baby wants is YOU, and it sounds to me like you want your baby.  There's no reason to separate the two of you permanently when you won't be young forever, you won't be a college student forever, you won't be struggling forever.  People have babies in far worse circumstances all the time, and the vast majority of them end up being fabulous parents in loving families.  Keep your baby.  You are all s/he needs in this world.

ETA:  Open adoptions are not legally enforceable.  If you choose to give your child to someone else, there is a pretty good chance you will eventually lose contact with them, and you will have NO legal recourse to get back into your child's life.  Open adoption might be dangled in front of you like a carrot by the adoption agencies or the adoptive parents, but they can pull it away as soon as the ink is dry, and you can't do a thing about it.

Answer 14

Adoption is the easy way out! KEEP your baby girl! When i first got pregnant i had 20$ in the bank.... Fast forward 3 years, my husband is now making 90k a year..... I could have given my baby up for adoption because of the situation then but now looking at my life anyone could agree that it would have been a HUGE mistake... Life has a way of working things out... And certainly dont give your kid up because that SUCKER dont love u anymore !

Answer 15

You'll find in 5 years that you will regret your decision as selfish. Thousands of moms completed college and went on to raise their children on their own.  You don't live in a 3rd world country.

Answer 16

Dear JayElle,

I am so sorry to hear that this is where you are finding yourself. I found myself in a very similar situation when I was 19. Only you can make the choice that is best for you. (Notice I didn't say your child.)

We chose to place our child with infertile "friends" who promised me a very open adoption. They did not keep their promises and my son is no better off financially with them than he would have been with me. In addition he has lost his relationship with his First Parents as well as his siblings and extended families. He has missed out on our love and our support along with too many other things to list here.

His father and I still think about him everyday. Mother's and Father's Days, our son's birthday and Christmas are extra hard. We still worry about him and wonder how he is. We still LOVE him. A piece of paper never changed (and never will) that we will always be his parents and our hearts feel it all the time. Adoption comes at an immeasurable loss to the first parents as well.

"Adoption is a permantent solution to temporary problem." Your finances and marital status are ALWAYS subject to change.

I cannot predict what will happen as a result of your choices, but I can tell you in my situation, 12 years later, I am in touch with my son's father and BOTH of us regret the decision.

ETA: I will keep my fingers crossed that your fiancé is merely suffering a severe case of cold feet.

Answer 17

I am 19 and adopted.

Just like EVERY family my adoptive family had problems. My parents ended up divorcing. BUT I love them and I am so thankful my mother put me up for adoption. They did care for me and gave me a great life.

Now, I have a little girl of my own and I am in contact with my birth mother. She especially feels guilty because I kept my baby. I wish she didnt feel that way. She did a wonderful thing for both me and my adoptive parents.

Being a mom is the best thing in the world and if you know you cannot take care of that baby you may seriously want to consider adoption.

Just know this.... once you make up your decision you CAN NOT change your mind. Once your baby gets placed in the adoptive parents arms they will fall in love with that baby and have a loving home waiting for him/her. You will hurt them terribly if you change your mind.

Maybe an open adoption would be best. lots more people are considering this these days.

Whatever you choose....choose life.

Thank you for thinking of your baby.

Good luck!

Answer 18

I got the piece of paper that states I finished college. It pales in comparison to the 24 years of life I could have had with my son.

Here are some links that might be helpful to you:

http://www.girl-mom.com/

http://motherhelp.info/keepingyourchild....

http://www.singlepregnancy.com/

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

http://www.cms.hhs.gov/MedicaidEligibili...

http://www.fns.usda.gov/fns/default.htm

I’m not saying it isn’t scary to think about the awesome responsibility of raising a child, but you don’t have to do it alone. Start building your network now, starting with your family. Even though they may not live in the same neighborhood it sounds like they could provide some much needed emotional support over the phone. Your student counselor should be able to help point you to resources on campus. The student health center at your college campus may also be a good place to find some information. Is daycare available through college? I’m sure there are other young women on campus who are single mom’s – find ways to connect with them. The more people you talk to the more likely you are to find the help you need to keep your child and go to school.

Placing your child is no guarantee that they will get the type of parents that you would like your child to have. Read the first answer to this question!

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...  You can interview prospective adopters until you are blue in the face, but there is no guarantee that they will treat or raise your baby the way they say they will.

This is another question you might want to read the answers to:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

The side effects of separation for both you and your child can truly be debilitating, and they don’t magically disappear after a year or two. Read blogs written by adoptees and mothers who have lost their children to adoption here: http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

You are resourceful enough to find a way to be in college, I hope that you will put all of that resourcefulness and more into finding a way to keep your child with you. Please do wait until after your son or daughter is born and you’ve had a chance to hold and care for your baby before committing your son or daughter’s permanent care to that of strangers.

Best of luck

Answer 19

Dont ask us.  Thats something you have to decide for yourself.  That is a very personal decision.

Answer 20

Keep your baby forget him ! However he will be paying the child support. There is help out there for you.

Answer 21

My mother gave me up for adoption so that I would have a family.  She has said it was the hardest thing she's ever done and she's sorry she did it.  

Oh yeah, and my adoptive parents got divorced.  There's no guarantee that your child will wind up in a better situation.

And open adoptions are not enforceable.  The adoptive parents can close them after the adoption is finalized and cut you off.

Answer 22

OMG  honey it is such a difficult decision.  Why this man freaked out when he knows you are pregnant? It is so unfair!!! He is such indecent man. How dares he to leave you alone and pregnant?:( So many men freak out when it concerns having a child).  Well,  he must pay alimony. He must have full time job and help you to support a child.

May be you can find part time job??  I am afraid if you give him up for adoption you will regret later in your life.

Best of luck to you!

Weigh out all the options in your life honey and make a wise decision.  But remember he must help you if you decide to keep a child.

Answer 23

If you have this much worry, adoption may be your best option. There are open adoptions and many families keep the birth mom very close. I have a good friend who calls the birth mom of her adopted child every day.

You've already shown how adult you are, not only in your thinking of adoption, but knowing that if he comes back he won't be as committed as you!

You'll be happy knowing he is safe and well taken care of and you'll make another family so happy!

My husband and I are adopting through the state (ages 9 and 11), we would have done an adoption like yours would be, but we don't have the money to do that (we're teachers).

I hope this helps, truly think about it!

Answer 24

Wow...tough situation.  Does he know u are pregnant and how does he feel about that?  He wants u to get rid of the baby (cancel everything)?

I find it ironic for your parents to say they would love to be grandparents, but you are on your own.

It's possible through adoption your child will get a loving family and live a great life...there are just so many what ifs.  Being a single parent is tough business.  Maybe it will help u decide on what's best by 1st writing down the pros and cons of each decision.  Talk to different organizations about not only adoption but what type of support as a single mother you will be able to get.  In the end u have to do what you feel is best.  Good luck!

Answer 25

keep your baby, keep your baby, KEEP YOUR BABY!!!

he wants YOU!

LOOK AT THIS VIDEO:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOZGwqHVn...

Answer 26

To just rely on the state to care for your child is not enough.

And to think your child will not care is preposterous. My mother was ill prepared for parenthood and it NEVER got any better. I resent her for using me to thumb her nose at the world.

Why it's true that children do not need money to be happy they need more then the basic necessities of food, clothing and shelter. Why not ask a child who is unable to play sports whist having to watch as all her friends play....ask them do they think it is fair.

if you decide to parent your are entitled to child support.

Answer 27

Nobody can tell you whether or not you will regret placing your baby for adoption.  That is up to how you handle the situation.  But I can tell you that I placed my son for adoption, and I think it is a great thing.  Of course I have sad moments, when I wish I could hold him, but overall I think everything worked out great.  I love the adoptive parents that I chose, and they are there for me 100%.  They want me to be a part of my son's life, and I am.  I see him a lot, and I get phone calls from them every week.  I know they will raise my son the way I hope to raise a child someday.  If you do it, you have to be sure you found the right parents, and the right agency.  

Raising a child while going through school is harder than you can possibly imagine right now.  I'm not saying you couldn't do it, you probably could.  The question is, do you want to put yourself and your child through the hardship?  Sure everyone on here will say there are "tons of gov't programs...etc"  But believe me, they aren't enough.  They don't relieve the stress, the resentment, the struggle, etc.  They don't help pay your rent, your phone bills, all the other things you need but they don't consider "needs."

Please don't listen to people who say its selfish to place your child.  It isn't.  It is selfish to keep a child when you are not a complete person yet yourself.  When you don't think you can devote 100% to that child.  I wanted to keep my son so bad, like you would never believe.  But I knew deep down that would be selfish, because I wasn't ready for him, but his adoptive parents were.

Anyway, I hope everything works out for you.