Regret adoption?

Question

Im gonna go through with it and I cant stop crying.

I have nothing to offer a baby and Im miserable.

does anyone regret choosing adoption?

Answer 1

I've never been in this position before, but my best friend was given up for adoption when she was an infant and was put into a GREAT family. The adoption process is very intense and adoption agencies do a lot of background checks so there should be no worries about your baby going to a bad family.  I'm sure it's hard for you to do this, but you are very courageous for going through it.  I wish you the best of luck and hope you can one day reuinte with you child.

Answer 2

Ern,

I am an adoptee and I am thankful for that.  My bmom has told me that she knew she couldn't provide the things a baby needs (they need more than love you know) so she knew she was making the right decision.

At her behest, we did meet 30 some years later and to this day, she tells me she knows she made the best choice for all involved.

Be careful of some of the propaganda that you may see posted.  A lot of people feel that no matter what the situation is, you MUST keep your child but it sounds like you are wise enough to know that you do not have what it takes (and not everyone does) but some will say that you MUST keep her regardless of how you feel.

Not every adoptee has the void or hole in their lives.  Many grow up happy and well-adjusted in a loving family.  

you haven't stated why you don't think you can provide whta the child needs -- is it age? finances? other disability? but those items will make a huge difference in your plan.

I have no doubt that you will cry and go through extreme pain.  I know a great birthmother who relinquished 23 years ago, i'll ask her to get in contact with you.

good luck in your decision.  either way -- be it adoption, abortion or keeping your baby, you will have a long and difficult road ahead of you.

Answer 3

Plenty regret it.  Before you go through with it, read this

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pd...

If you do go through with it, there is tons of support for you from other mothers and adoptees.  Just be absolutely sure, because this is permanent and has lifelong effects for both mother and child.

Huge Hugs

Answer 4

I think you have come on the wrong website to ask that question. Now your going to get the ones who try and emotionally blackmail you into keeping your baby. Then the ones who just tell you to follow your heart. I am going to tell you to go and get some support and talk to someone about this. If your not 100% sure, then dont do it. If you are 100% sure then do it.

good luck either way

Answer 5

Almost everyone does.  My mother gave me up for adoption 43 years ago, and we've been 'reunited' for 20.  We bother regret it.

Actually, hon, you have THE most important thing to offer a baby--YOU.  There is no amount of money that can ever replace you.  Your child was made from you and every relative that came before you--how can there be a replacement for THAT?!

Is this just about money?  Is that why you're miserable? There are loads of resources for you out there--maybe you could post more about your situation, and I could offer more concrete help.

Off the top of my head, I would suggest that you visit a couple web sites:

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.com

The site is run by Joe Soll, an adoptee and a therapist who has nightly chats (9 pm EST) and can offer guidance.

The other is this site, formed by mothers who have lost children to adoption.  Here's a page with adoption realities and resources:

http://originsusa.memberlodge.org/Defaul...

A couple difficult years might be ahead, but it will be worth it to have your child in your life forever.  No matter what my mother and I lost 22 years.  Don't let this happen to your baby, please.

Answer 6

Just like losing a loved one to death you too will go through the stages of grieving. It's going to be hard. I don't regret giving my daughter the best life she could possible have. I see her with her parents and it brings me a smile to my fast to see how happy she is. It seemed like I cried for the first 6 months straight. I thought I would never recover. BUT you will. As the months progressed I cried less. I was happy to see pictures and updates of her and just able to ask how she was doing. There were days that I wanted to take her back and try and raise her. I had a support system and that helped a lot. Family and Friends. I don't regret my decission. Just make sure it's your decission and you are not doing it to make someone happy. I miss her and love her and she knows that I do. She knows who I am and I think that makes it easier. I hoped that helped.

Answer 7

I do have regrets. I wish I had made better choices. I wouldn't do it again or let my child do it. It's a hurt that never heals, and with me it was a life of lies. Reunion has taken a weight off of my heart.

Answer 8

If you cant stop crying, then your heart and soul is not at peace. Don't do this. The best thing for your baby is you! A baby doesn't care if your rich or poor, it just wants to be next to momma. It needs to smell you, and needs to bond with you. Please reconsider. You will regret this the rest of your life.

My sisters had to raise their children without a husband, they were young, and the kids are grown now and happy and knew they were loved. You can do this. You just need some people around to support you. Talk to family and friends, it's not too late.

Don't let anyone pressure you, listen to your gut. Anyone that tells you someone else is better for your baby than you doesn't care about you, or your baby. They wont be there to pick you up afterwards.

Answer 9

I regret it every day of my life.....I wish I knew now what I didn't know then. I'm sure my son is fine and he is with a good family, but it will never take away the void in my heart!!

Answer 10

More and more mothers are going through that. I highly suggest contacting Originsusa.  They will help you.  Believe it or not you do have a lot to offer a child.  LOVE.  Its the most important thing.

Answer 11

Never regret doing what is best for your child.  Imagine the wonderful life he/she will have with a family who can provide everything and love with all their heart.

Answer 12

Being a mother is a big responsibility.   So, make sure the decision you make is not a selfish one. Be fair to yourself and to the baby.

I am sure it hurts... to think of letting go.  But, if you are mature enough to realize that you don't think you can give this baby what he/she needs, then you are probably right.  Give yourself and this child you are carrying a fair chance at life.   Raising children is difficult and can be expensive.  And every child deserves the very best... can you provide that?

And what about you?  Can you continue to better yourself while trying to raise a child.  Maybe this is the beginning of your new life.   I don't know how old you are, but maybe you can go to school... earn a degree... make life better for yourself and have a child when you are ready financially, psychologically, and spiritually.

If you have a great support group.. parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings... then maybe they can help.  If not... then it will just be harder.

There are so many people that want a baby and can't have one and you could give them and your baby a wonderful gift by allowing them to come together.

Best wishes whatever your decision is!

Answer 13

Well good luck to you, glad you are choosing adoption. Not all women are made out to be a mother, it's okay. Good Luck to you hun.

Answer 14

Hi Em,

I'm a mother who lost her only child to adoption - 1984. He's all grown up now and I still miss my baby, my little boy, my young teenage son - and I'll never get him back. There is no going back once you lose your child to adoption. It is a life sentence when you hand your child over to strangers to raise. Surrendering your child means that you relinquish your right to parent your child (TPR = termination of parental rights), and it's not only about handing over that privilege to someone else; it involves putting your child in a foreign environment with no one to reflect the natural, genetic qualities of who he or she is while growing up. (An open adoption might help out in this case, but there are so many women who have been promised this option only to realize that they have no legal rights when the adopters decide that they no longer want you - the mother - in the picture. It happens a lot!)

I don't know what your situation is, why you feel that you must make this decision, but I advise you to look, act, and feel what you are, the mother of this child. Put every effort into finding a way to keep your baby with you NOW. If you find that you absolutely can't parent your child AFTER he/she is born, after you've had a chance to hold and cuddle your child, after you find out what it is like to know this little person that you have been caring for, for 9 months, then you might look into adoption. Give your baby and yourself the chance to get to know each other in this world; it might make a fighter out of you!

Since I don't know what you're situation is, I don't know if you need financial assistance, or moral support, both, or something else. Here are some links (do check with Origins as others have suggested.)

http://originsusa.memberlodge.org/

http://motherhelp.info/keepingyourchild....

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

http://www.girl-mom.com/

I was surprised to read that one woman who lost her child to adoption cried for 6 months, but was able to get over it. Although you grieve a lot when you lose your child it is not like losing a child to death. (My mother lost a daughter -my younger sister- to death. Death is final and we are in some ways better able to cope with the finality of death. Adoption is not final –your son or daughter is always out there somewhere, but not with you.

I regret losing my son to adoption very much, even after 23 years, and I'm not the only mom out there who feels the loss.

I will be happy to help you research government financial aid, kinship care, or other options if you need help. You can email me through my profile.

Best of luck

Answer 15

i say if your going to do it try for an open adoption. that way you can still be in the childs life and can explain your choices but still be together without being together. or you can make your information available for later if you want to find you child and or they want to find you. with open adoptions i have had friends that gave their child up ( against my pleading with them having no understanding of the whole open adoption thing) but they found their own adoptive parents for the child and set up a contract and everything ahead of time so even though they were giving up their child for adoption. they still had a great relationship with their child. the child didn't have abandonment issues and the aparents didn't have issues. if the aparents needed to go on vacation the she would get to keep her. it was almost like they had duel custody of her which eliminated my friends issues too. just don't allow yourself to get pressured into anything. people will try but it's up to you to know what you can and can not deal with. adoption is forever but their are alot of options that weren't there when i was adopted. I hate adoption but not as a whole just the way it's been handled. but if you do it the right way it can be a good experiance for you and your baby. it's up to you to get the lawyer you are comfortable with, read everything before you sign it so they can't change something that was agreed upon and you not know about it till three or four years down the road when it's too late. You don't have to not be in your childs life. you have a choice now. pick someone that doesn't mind you being in your babies life. those are the types of people you want to adopt your child anyway. you don't want them to be stuck with someone that makes them feel guilty for wanting to know you and what you are about. they're not in it for your baby they're in it for them. life just isn't that simple. nothing in this world is just cut and dry especially when it comes to the life of a person.

Answer 16

There is nothing in this world I regret more deeply. The pain has not gotten better for me. It has gotten worse with every little part of my babies life I miss.

The thing that concerns me most about your question is the wording. Adoption is not something you should go through with. If you are not totally positive it is the only option you should not do it. If you are crying already and miserable then you should not be doing this. You have more to offer this baby than you think. There are ways to help you parent. Contact me or some of the other people that answered. Contact adoptioncrossroads or origins.

You sound so much like me when I was pregnant. I listened to all the people telling me I couldn't do it. My fear is that you will become more like me and do something that ruins your life. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Let some of us help you.

Answer 17

Hi Ern,

Your question is whether or not other parents regret choosing adoption for their babies.  My natural father said it was 35 years of wondering, "What did I do" and feeling a "hole in his heart."  These are all  his words, not mine.  Sure, there are those who don't regret it, but many do.  

The fact that you are miserable and asking this question suggests that you are questioning whether or not you should relinquish your child.  Despite what another poster has stated, no one thinks that a person should keep their child under any and all circumstances no matter what.  But, if your child can be raised with you, that is certainly the best way to go.  Even the Department of Children's and Family Services makes family unification and reunification its first priority, if it can be done.

Also, plenty of adoptees do grow up well-adjusted, but still choose to reunite with their first families at some point.  This is considered a normal response.

I do want to add that adoptive families are human, so there is no guarantee of either a great family or a not so great family.  I've met more than one adopted person who has grown up in broken homes / alcoholic homes, etc.  No one is immune from the good side and the bad side of being human.   I only say this because everyone should be given a realistic view, not a "it's always going to be better" view.  No one can know for sure what an adoptive home will turn out to be like.

Anyway, if it's money that is the issue, that's normally temporary and it can be worked around.  It is obvious that you love your baby, however, and this is vitally important to her/his upbringing.

As for open adoptions, they are not legally enforceable.  The adoptive family can close the adoption at any time, and you have no recourse  under the law.

Answer 18

No I do not regret choosing adoption.  I loved him but knew in my heart what was best for him and made the choice.  I never really even entertained the thought of bringing him home.

Answer 19

All I can tell you is that I've seen the end result of children being born to parents that cannot or will not care for them.  Adoption is the better choice all the way around.  To hold onto a child and both of you be miserable until you can't do it anymore is so much more damaging to you both.  You are making a brave choice in the best interest of your baby.  And until the fat lady sings you can change your mind.  Talk to family and friends and if you feel you have a support system that will truly help out after a baby, then keep it.  If you know that no matter how much they say they will help, that you'll be on your own, do what's best for you and baby.

Answer 20

I regret it almost everyday.  I regret that I wasn't strong enough to stand up to the birthdad and tell him that we, well, I would raise her.  I regret that I didn't speak up sooner and told my family.

It hurts.  It sucks.

Think some more about it.  Please.