Relationship advice please...partner working away from home

Question

My boyfriend (who has recently been treated for depression) who i live with has just returned from working overseas for a couple of weeks. He has really enjoyed this experience and it has boosted his self esteem at work. He is considering applying for a job at his work where he will work away more often- I can see this will be good for him in many ways and support him in this. I cant help but feel though that it will bring our relationship into the ground. These feelings are based upon him telling me (when he is suffering from a down day) in the past that he doesnt deserve me and he is a horrible man and he would be better off on his own and he cant make time for me at the moment- he sits on his computer most evenings when home (sometimes it doesnt bother me because i understand the need for alone time, but sometimes it does) Our s*x life vanished when he was on antidepressants- he has stopped taking these now and we have had a couple of passionate moments. I have coped with his outbursts and lack of affection quite well although it can be heartbreaking at times. (I do wonder if there is something wrong with me for supporting an 'ill' person. He is very short tempered with me and gets very irritated with me if i make a mistake. I dont feel i can do anything right. This all is contrary to me as a person because i am a bright, successful woman.

I guess i need another persons view on this- what do you make of it?

Should i mention my concerns about him working away so often? I am feeling quite undervalued at the moment and when i mention this his response is- 'i told you i am not a nice person etc...' It just doesnt seem like a proper answer.

Thanks for reading!

Any (sensible) opinions are gratefully recieved.....

Answer 1

well why not you support this ideal of working oversea, maybe you can join him since you love him you should stay with him.

Answer 2

if i were you, i wouldnt leave my bf and woudl suport him. you knwo what they say "at health and at illness, at good and bad days". you are probably the closest person to him now and you are very important position to support him.

you should convince him to go to counsellor, for a theraphy. maybe it is better you both can go and get some professional advice. also th eissue abotu anti depressants are very important. depression is not like flu, and you cant get rid of it when the sun shines, you know. you dont know what kind of risks he is face to face now. so you should convince him to go psychologist regularly and immediately.  

i think you shoudl focus on supporting him rather than expecting something from him. you show that you care and love him , that you still find him attarctive, highlight his positive sides, tell him you are there for him when he needs, etc. in other words, it is your tiime to give unconditionally now instead of expecting affection or somethign else form him, because he might not give these to you now and he might feel guilty for not being able to give your neds to you, and this can make things worse. so try not to be complaining abotu him.

you said anti depressants had side effects. you can inform the doctors abtou the side effects so they will choose a better one for you.

but as i said above, theraphy is very important. otherwise depression is very serious illnees liek cancer and can risk his life.  hope things will be better, good luck

Answer 3

I have compassion for you, it seems to be a hard situation for you to be in, I know what it feels like to be deeply in love with someone, fortunately I have never had to face facts as you obviously have to, that there must be a parting of the ways, at least for now, there may be chance later, but for now he seems to want to go his own way and has admitted that he has no right to the love you have for him. Pay no attention to me if that is how you feel, I am not  an expert, just an every day person. Often I felt during our long marriage that my wife had married the wrong man, but 6 sons later, and nearly 65 years of marriage, I am now on my own again, if  I was the wrong one she only said so a few times in passing.

Sorry I can't answer your question any better than that, I hope you can come to the right decision, and are happy with the way your life turns out for you in the future. All the luck in the world to you.

Answer 4

Just ask yourself "Am I better off with him or with out him?"...Your heart knows the truth......

Answer 5

It's good to know that your boyfriend has stopped taking anti-depressants. He must have recovered quite well.

As far as I know, a person suffering from depression might need medication again and again(my mother is dealing with it still). Of course, the level of seriousness of this problem is variable. Some people suffer from acute depression. Some have major ones. According to the patients condition, doctors may increase or decrease the dosage during routine check-ups.

Depression patients need to vent out their thoughts and emotions. They feel very relieved when they pour out everything emotionally, good or bad and it is suggested that one should listen to them patiently. You need immense patience for this.

No matter what happens, you need to remember that he is unwell. If he was alright he would've dealt with you in much different manner. He would've reciprocated the same amount of love and care you give to him. When he hurts you time and again, he might not mean it at all. He would have been very demoralized by his sickness. May be his job brings back his lost confidence in him.

He is not able to realize your support behind his success.

Now coming back to you. You have done a great job helping a needy person. You need to remember that you are not married to him. You can end it if its not working out for you. You have every right to think about your life.

You need to first ask yourself, where this relationship is leading you? Do you want to go ahead with him inspite of his sickness? Do you love him enough?

If you do, you will have to sacrifice a lot. You will have to stick to him regardless of all obstacles. Depression doesn't leave a person easily. You may have to deal with it whole of your life. May be that's why God placed none other than you around him.

Decide!!!! Ask God to grant you wisdom in making a decision.

He promises in His Word to grant wisdom to all without finding fault. He is faithful. He never breaks His promises. Trust Him!!!