Relatives re shower: "if so-and-so is invited I won't come." All invited, none came. Small wedding. Now what

Question

I was so hurt that my family did not come to my daughter in law to be's shower! A family war is going on and I have refused to take sides. My son thinks it will be better to just not invite any of them to the wedding, which is small, and to invite the friends we had no room for on the guest list in the first place. I agree, but the fallout will be awful for me.

Answer 1

Let your son and daughter to be decide on who to invite. Its their day and they shouldnt have to deal with all the family drama. If you say you wont pick sides then I assume you have nothing to do with the fight? so just relax and let whatever happens happen.... If the family gets mad then let them... they'll eventually get over it

Answer 2

How terrible!  Shame on them.  I think your son's plan is a good one, and it will ensure that the wedding is celebrated by people who really care about the couple.  I understand that the fallout will be bad for you, but h**l -- could it get any worse than having these mean people boycott a shower you hosted for your DIL?

Answer 3

Wow, your poor daughter-in-law!

I wouldn't invite them. If they want to be that childish and not support your FDIL at her shower, then invite friends to the wedding, since they want it small.

Answer 4

If people ask why they weren't invited to your son's wedding, just say, "Well, I figured since you refused to come to the shower that the wedding wasn't going to be a possibility either."

Also, if they are really this bent on carrying on like this, then maybe you should send them invitations (just so that they are invited), but have a really early response date for your RSVP's -- so that when they get all childish and say they aren't coming you you can say, "Okay, then I'll put you down for 'regrets.' Thanks for letting me know." Then go to the friends you couldn't invite before and invite them to take the place of your feuding family members.

Answer 5

I think that is awful of them.  Maybe you need to explain that this is a time to be excited and celebrate for your son, and leave their family issues behind.

Really it is so not fair to your son or daughter in law to be that they were so mean spirited about what is supposed to be a happy time.

I hope talking to them helps them realize to put their c**p aside for ONE day.

Answer 6

Honestly theres not too much you can do, try and see it from their (your son and fiancee) point of view that if they do all turn up there will be tension and possibly arguments which they will not want on their day.

At least your family will know deep down that you made the effor and tried to make it work, its just a shame they all have their heads stuck where they are.

Answer 7

If your family can't put aside their differences for one day to attend your sons shower, I'd not invite them to the wedding, that was very rude, cruel, and selfish of them to do that to you and your son's bride. I agree with your son invite the people you didn't have room for. Good Luck . You  now know where you stand with your family , I think that is so awful for you and your son. But I'm sure your son's wedding will be beautiful.

Answer 8

Normally I would take the higher road but in this case I agree with your son.....any relative who punishes another in this way (especially a bride who has nothing to do with any of it) do not deserve to be invited to the wedding.......NO ONE has the right to play emotional blackmail in order to control the guest list of another's party.....that was your DIL's bridal shower, you were hosting, and they 1) had no right to tell you who to invite 2) no right to punish you for refusing to take sides 3) Absolutely no right to punish your DIL as well.....

So, they all boycotted the poor girl's bridal shower because they aren't able to put aside their petty differences like adults for the benefit of another....so they deserve the same amount of consideration with wedding invites as they gave for the bridal shower.....none.

Not only would I not invite the lot of them...I would also let them all know until your DIL gets an apology for their atrocious behavior toward's her, you will not speak to them, period...........and I do agreee the fall-out will only be as awful as you let it.........the fact that you refuse to let their boycotting and juvenile behavior to upset you (publicly) will stick in their craw....they want you upset...turn it back on them....the hardest medicine to swallow is a dose of what one is so willing to spoon out to others...do a little boycotting of your own....see how well they deal with the tables being turned on them.....good luck.

Answer 9

Gosh if my FMIL knew how to use computers, I'd think you were her! None of her relatives came to my shower a few weeks ago even though they were invited... I don't think there's a war going on though.

Instead, from what I understand from my sister, her relatives were replying to my sister that they were just going to wait for FMIL's shower (apparently she's throwing a separate one which really hurt my mom and sister) or that they barely knew FH to begin with. (Fair enough, he doesn't know any of them... FMIL apparently felt an obligation to invite them. FH wants the friends there instead.)

That's my current story - but for the answer to your's, which is the point right now, listen to your son and just invite the friends. I know my FH would love to scrap that family list of people he doesn't know. It's more important to share the day with people who are close to the couple and to you, and "obligation invites" should not exist.

Answer 10

let your son and daughter-in-law decide, it's their wedding.

Answer 11

You COULD invite friends AND relatives, counting on each family faction not to come because they think the other side will be there.  And if the  reception consists only of hors d'oeuvres, cake, and punch (and maybe champagne) instead of a seated dinner, it can accommodate a more flexible number if more relatives accept than you expected.

Answer 12

That is craziness! I think honestly if he feels like that, then they should go with it.  If they can't come together for your son and his bride to be, then they just shouldn't be invited. It is a shame how families can be sometimes....and to take it out on his special day, just cause u won't take sides..then that makes them just petty and need to be left out.

Answer 13

You are not taking sides. Let them decide..........you support your son!

Answer 14

I agree, you are not taking sides.  You definitely need to let the bride and groom choose whom they want to invite and then support them.  Tell the family that the bride and groom had final say on the guest list and if they were able to behave themselves they wouldn't have been excluded.

Answer 15

Only invite people who you know will be gracious guests and contribute to the day.  If that means family is not invited then that's what that means.  You need to be supportive of your son, he's the one that matters most.

Answer 16

Grow up!

Answer 17

The fallout will only be awful if you let it be.  Don't invite them, invite your friends.  Anyone who calls and asks why, tell them straight up you're sick and tired of this silly assed family feud and were most certainly not going to put up with their childish behavior on your sons wedding day.  

Other people only have as much control as WE allow them to.  Your son is right!

Answer 18

Oh....I feel for you....I really do.

The same thing happened to me, although there was no family war.  Simply a family that doesn't care, although my family (groom's aunts, grandmother) live 8 hours away.

I would DO exactly as your son suggested.  I can't believe a family will not put away their bitterness for the happiness of someone else.  Sometimes you must wonder how old people are!  They act like first graders.  

So....invite the family and friends that you KNOW will come so that you, your son, and your daughter-in-law will feel loved and cared about and all of you will be able to enjoy the day!  If you get flack....so be it.  Just ignore them as they have ignored you.