All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now...the wax.
Read on.........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that
would ring
painfully in my mind
for the next few hours: 'Maybe I
should pull the
waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was
one of
those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just rub
the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you
peel them
apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and
you pull the
hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard c an i t be? I mean, I'm not a
genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA
THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
facing each other stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius
kicks in so I get out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,'
yeah...right!) I
lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It
works!
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too
bad.
I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker
of smooth skin
extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the
kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the
right side of my
bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and
stretching down to the
inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale
deeply and brace
myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull
off half the
strip. c**p! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is
spinning and
spotted.
I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay
conscious. Do
I
hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one
that has caused me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to
revel in the glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the
toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I
touch. I am
touching wax.
I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the
toilet? I know I need
to do something. So I put my foot down.
Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out
what to do and think
to
myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to p**p.
My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest
water I can stand,
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and
the wax should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that
used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -
I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions
glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to
the bottom of the
tub....in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cemented myself
to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me
a few months ago
to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend,
thinking surely she has waxed before and
has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation
starter. 'So, my butt
and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret
tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we
talking cheeks or
hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give
her the rundown and
she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's
night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying
to scrape the wax
off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your
girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the
brain is
not
working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty
sure I'm going to
need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My frien
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