Question:

Removal.............?

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All hair removal methods have tricked women with their

promises of easy,

painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and

now...the wax.

Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix

dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that

would ring

painfully in my mind

for the next few hours: 'Maybe I

should pull the

waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was

one of

those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you

just rub

the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you

peel them

apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and

you pull the

hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard c an i t be? I mean, I'm not a

genius, but I am

mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA

THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips

facing each other stuck

together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius

kicks in so I get out

the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,'

yeah...right!) I

lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it

tight and pull. It

works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too

bad.

I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker

of smooth skin

extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the

kids, I sneak

back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting

championship. I drop

my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the

right side of my

bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and

stretching down to the

inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale

deeply and brace

myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull

off half the

strip. c**p! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is

spinning and

spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay

conscious. Do

I

hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one

that has caused me so

much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to

revel in the glory

that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the

toilet. I see the

hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I

touch. I am

touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,

which is now

covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG

mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the

toilet? I know I need

to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out

what to do and think

to

myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to p**p.

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest

water I can stand,

into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and

the wax should

melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that

used to

torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -

I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions

glued

together, is having them glued together and then glued to

the bottom of the

tub....in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had

cemented myself

to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me

a few months ago

to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend,

thinking surely she has waxed before and

has some secret

of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation

starter. 'So, my butt

and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret

tricks for

removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we

talking cheeks or

hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give

her the rundown and

she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's

night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying

to scrape the wax

off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your

girlie goodies

covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot

water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the

brain is

not

working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty

sure I'm going to

need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My frien

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8 ANSWERS


  1. I have a 15 year history in retail management and marketing before I started my present career.

    My only comment, from experience, would be that the best tie-in marketing display I could ever make would be home bikini waxing kits alongside a 5th of Southern Comfort.


  2. LMAO that one made me laugh out loud...that is hilarious. i feel for that lady. i dont know if it was really u or not but i sure hope not! lol thanks to you i will never try waxing on my own...lol

  3. Since the only 'kids' I have heard you comment on are the fuzzy 4 legged kids - that ride in a school bus mind you - I was wondering about the story being you...

    Rather amusing though!

  4. omg i feel for you...that must have been traumatic O.o

  5. .....that has to be...the MOST HALARIOUS thing i think i've EVER read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMFAO!!!!!!! lol wow! you sooo deserve a star and some ice cream! lol  

  6. I think that I told you once that you were a good writer, but that was hilarious. You are wasting your talents on Answers. Start on a book. I've read a couple of Erma Bombeck's books (Life is Like A Bowl of Cherries) or something like that. She is amusing, and supposed to be funny, but her stuff doesn't hold a candle to yours. I can remember a couple of more stories you wrote that were funny. The stud horse and the Missionaries, and walking out carrying the two goat heads. I bet if you dig in you can find enough for a great book. By the way, it must have taken a lot of nerve to tell that story about yourself. Great story!

  7. Omg, that is sooo funny! Probably the funniest thing I've ever read.I would die of emberassment if that happened to me! That story deserves a star.Thx for the laugh!

  8. I hate those little wax strips they never get the hair off!
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