I am posting this in the mental health section because a) I'm losing my marbles, and b) I'd like to have some responses from people who understand how loved ones with bipolar disorder act.
My fiance and I broke up not even 3 months ago, 2 months before we were supposed to get married. We had a fabulous relationship but he suffers from bipolar disorder and after years of being unconditionally supportive and trying to help him get on track, he just wasn't helping himself and was getting worse... servere manic episodes and stopped taking his meds (so withdrawl too). Eventually we started fighting all the time and he told me he didn't need me anymore and I was just holding him back (from all his unrealistic business plans and wanting to be a swinger-- a manic thing)... he tossed me aside like I was a peice of disposable trash, told me I was just his crutch.
So, obviously hurt by the way he treated me, I moved home. I am actually doing okay. I am a strong and resiliant person and I have learned a lot from this relationship, about what I want, need, deserve... and about who I am. I am doing my best to get my life on track again, to not worry about him so much, to enjoy my independence, meet new people, and spend time with friends.
I'm doing good... MOST of the time. Every month my ex has to send me money to pay his half of our joint bills. He's sending me $500/month for the next year to pay it off. Every month I have to talk to him... when/how is the money coming, etc. We have to correspond about things like our vehicle registrations and some of our things that are in storage. Stuff like that.
Every time he emails me he brags about how good he's doing. "Oh yeah, I'm all better. I've got this new business and am making millions of dollars and I have a new truck and a new girlfriend and I'm not angry with you anymore (like I was the bad guy here) and life is just faaabulous without you". It also depends on his moods. One day he's all happy go lucky trying to make me think he's on cloud 9 and the next day he's taking something I said completely innocently and completely misinterpreting it and tearing my head off. I can tell he's still having episodes, I can read between the lines enough to see he's up and down still.
So my head is telling me "Just relax. He's only saying these things to hurt you. He wants you to think he's doing fabulous because it makes him look like he's not hurting and missing you. You know that in a week his 'business' will plummet, he'll lose the place he's renting, job, and his new girlfriend will realize he's nuts". This was the cycle for the last 9 years, why would it be any different now.
But- even though my head is telling me that he's playing games with me, trying to hurt me, that I just need to forget it... it's still like this huge stab in the heart every time. I am doing so good at moving on, and then WHAM I'm right back at square one starting over every month. I hate this. Top that off with the fact that he's got a new girlfriend now, 3 MONTHS later!!! I have never felt so disrespected and disposable and completely worthless in my entire life.
Am I crazy to feel this way? Am I reading into what he's saying/doing right? How do I deal with him every month without feeling like my guts are being torn out over and over?? I know time is the only thing that can heal a broken heart but is there not any possible way to fast track things or to numb myself to his stupid monthly emails? I just want to move on, I gave him so much of myself and he acts like I never meant anything to him (and I know he loved me, that was never a question). I just want to move on with my life, just want to put this behind me.
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