Reunited Adoptees,what are your thoughts?

Question

Do you ever feel that your adoption has shaped the life of your birth family? i often think about how things would be if my mother had not got pregnant with me.. at age 17 she was preparing to go into the Peace Corp,when she fell pregnant and everything changed after my adoption.she basically went on a route of getting married/divorced,with different men.of course this is not my fault,lol,but i often wonder what path her life would have taken if she had entered the peacecorp,and how her relationship with her kids would have been.she told me that once she gave me up,nothing mattered anymore,not even her further 2 kidswho she felt too guilty to hug/kiss as she could not hug me.i just wondered how other reunited adoptees think,and if they have had similar experiences?

Answer 1

My reunion fell through, but while it lasted I came to feel sure my first mother has never gotten over the guilt of having given birth out of wedlock.  I remained her shameful secret; she had told nobody but her ex-husband, and she seemed very lonely and sad.

I feel the same way--it's not my fault, but her life would have been better had she not become pregnant, or, perhaps, has society not been so judgmental of women who got pregnant out of wedlock then.

Answer 2

I think about this a lot, as my natural dad and I discuss a lot about our lives.  Soon after he and my nmom split up, I was relinquished at 13 months old.  Soon after, my ndad married the woman, Margaret, who had lived in the apartment next to ours.  He told me that Margaret's daughter Wanda and I used to play together.  I had to laugh when he asked me if I remembered that, since Wanda and I were only a years old at the time.  But, at any rate, he said it was a rebound marriage to try to hold on to me in some way.  The marriage was short lived.

According to my stepmother (ndad's wife,) my ndad began drinking heavily to deal with losing me.  He was not a drinker prior to that.  He agrees that this was the reason he began drinking.  So, maybe he wouldn't have turned to drinking or had the rebound marriage if we'd stayed together.  No one can know what would have happened.

But, I do know that it would have saved him from the 35 years of pain and wondering with which he tells me he lived.  He called it a big hole in his heart.  He said he used to wonder of himself, "What did I do?"  That is a lot to live with for so many years.

Upon our reunion, he said that it didn't matter what happened after this, that he finally had his daughter back and she's okay.  He cried and cried telling me how sorry he was when we first re-laid eyes upon one another six years ago.  Other family members tell me how much he's changed for the better since we've reunited.  They see a joy in him they'd never seen before.  

So, while I can't say with 100% certainly that he'd have been spared another failed marriage and the drinking, both of which he attributes to the loss of relinquishment, I do know he'd have been spared the 35 years of pain and wondering from the loss.

EDIT: My nfather never had any more children.  His choice after the whole relinquishment thing.

Answer 3

i know i shaped a path for my bio parents. my bmom didnt have children for another 19 years and she took herself down a path of self destruction before they were born. i wont tell her story, i will let her do that if she wants.

my bfather NEVER had children or married after me. his words were "i couldnt take care of you when you needed me so i never had any more"

i find that very sad. but it was a choice he made. i wish he had married or at least found someone so spend time with, but he wouldnt let himself. it still blows my mind that little ole' me could impact someones life like that.

i think we as the adoptees do set a path and dictate many life decisions, even though we are not with them physically. what we left behind in their hearts guided them down their lives. sometimes good, sometimes not so good. we do not control it, but our presence is felt.

all those years they beat themselves up and come to find out they did the right thing and i loved them. it seems like such a sad waste of time. but if i was in their shoes, i believe i would have done things the same way.

this is only my experience, others may be different. but i am positive in my heart and mind that my birth sent both of them down paths they may not have chosen before.

Answer 4

My bmom said to me recently that if I hadnt been born, she'd probably be living in a different country, nearer to her family and friends. She also said that she wishes that she did live in that country, but can't move back there now. (Obviously it was my fault for being born, bad adoptee, bad! <rolls eyes>)

I doubt either of my bparents would have met their current partners if I hadnt been born, so obviously they would have had different kids and stuff.

Both my bparents lived abroad for a number of years (my bmom still does), which probably wouldn't have happened if it wasnt for me.

My bdad seems to favour his daughter over his son - dont know if that's connected to him giving me up or something.

Interesting question though.

Answer 5

My bparents got married as soon as they discovered they were pregnant.  I was relinquished for adoption at the time of birth.  (They told everyone that I died during the birth.)  They are still married decades later!  Both finished college which enabled them to have successful careers.  They had another child, who in turn has a successful career.  

My adoption appears to be one of the easiest things they ever did.  My absence made achieving their real dreams so much easier.  Luckily, it turned out well for me too.

Answer 6

Ever major choice we make affects our lives.  My birthmom told me she never thought about me while I was growing up.  She said she felt bad that she never thought about me, but from the choices she made in her life as an adult, I think she was *trying* not to think about me because it hurt too much.  She didn't want to place me for adoption, her father forced her too.  I think she turned to drugs to try to forget how painful it was to be forced to place me for adoption. I'm not responsible for my birth though -- I was born because of choices she made *before* I was born.  I'm also not responsible for the choices she made after I was adopted either.

Answer 7

I'm not adopted myself but my friend is, so I'll let her get on here and tell her story.

Hi, I'm her friend ^^. I was relinquished by my birth parents a few days after I was born. I think it was for the best. I won't go into details, but I'll put it this way, my parents did not have a normal relationship. They were, er, it's difficult to put this gently, incestuous. Apparently it's a miracle that I don't have any birth defects or anything. But, I'm 19 now, and I just met my birth parents a few months ago. I grew up in Ohio, but they're living in Ireland, so it took a while for me to be able to meet them. I didn't know anything about them except their names when I first went to meet them. From what they've told me, after they gave me up, they returned to their home in Ireland and have lived there together ever since. But talking to my birth mother, she told me that she's thought about me a lot since giving me up, and she's always wondered what I looked like, or if I was happy. She said that every time she went out somewhere and she saw mothers with their children, she would feel sad, because she didn't know anything about me. I think having me and then giving me up did definitely change both her and my birth father's lives, but I don't think it did anything major aside from them always thinking about me.

Answer 8

The experience of my natural mother seems to be similar in some ways.

My nmom had been going to college.  Her pregnancy with me interrupted that.  After relinquishing me (at the insistence of her mother), she planned on returning to school, going to New York and fulfilling some of her dreams.  Instead, she missed me so much, that she married a man she shouldn't have and had four more children in a futile effort to replace me.  (She loves them all, and she has never led me to believe her relationship with them suffered because of the relinquishment.  I hope that's true.)  Our reunion has helped both of us heal some very old wounds.

Answer 9

My n.mom told me that she fought hard to keep her last  two kids (my younger siblings) after loosing me.  She was 21 when I was born & 24 when she was pushed (by Social Services) to relinquish me.  They told her she'd "never have custody of" me again, but could give me up for adoption.  

She had a difficult life; parents divorced, mom remarried an abusive step father, she married at 15 & had her first child at 16, her husband left her after his birth, & she gave up that baby boy to friends (she knew him his entire life & he knew who she was).  It's difficult to imagine what our lives would have been. She was thrilled I found her & we remained in contact for the rest of her life.  

As a mom at (barely) 17 myself, I was pushed by my a.mom to give up my daughter when her dad & I divorced shortly after her first birthday.  I refused & fought to keep her.  Would she have been better off had I given her up?  I'd like to think she wouldn't have been. She's now a loving wife, mom of 2, successful entrepreneur & business woman.  

I believe my life might have spun out of control had I NOT had her.  And certainly, if had I given her up, I don't want to think about the direction my life would have taken.  As an abuse survivor, I've had to deal with a lot of ups & downs emotionally.  It's only in retrospect I think about these things.

At the time, I only knew I didn't want my daughter to grow up not knowing where she came from, or having doubts or feeling "unwanted" as I had.  Was it selfish to keep her?  Maybe.  Some might say so.  

But as I watch her with her children,  I see a loving mother & am so proud of her. I know I must not have messed up too badly when I see her with her children.  

When she was 18, my a.mom finally admitted that I'd done a "good job" raising her.  By the time she said this, I didn't care what she thought.  

Mary Jo Rillera, author, adoptee & birth mom, said you have to give up on YOURSELF before you can give up your child.  I guess I never gave up all the way on the idea that I might be able to mother my child and that I could love her better than anyone.  

I am BEYOND grateful that I stuck to my guns & kept my daughter.  That when I did (keep her), welfare was available to help me until I could stand on my own two feet.  That society had changed enough to accept "single" moms. That I was able attend & graduate (community) college.  And that in SPITE of that woman (my a.mom), I had a shred of self esteem left...just enough to believe.  Or maybe, it was only my youth & neivette?  Whatever.

And because of all this, my heart breaks for the millions of women who were forced to give up their babies during the "baby scoop era".  http://www.babyscoopera.com/