Reunited adoptees-biology or upbringing?

Question

those that have found their biological family, do you notice your personality is more like them or the adoptive family you were raised with?

for me i am exactly like my birthmother. i swear at times we share a brain. same attitude and views. i was just wondering if it was this way for others or if are a rare case.

Answer 1

I'm not adopted, but my friend is, so I'll let her answer your question.

Hi, I'm her friend^^, I'm borrowing her account for this. Personally, I'm a lot more like my birth family. I have the exact same personality as my birth mother. We're both quiet and reserved with emotions, but strong when we need to be, and from what I've been told I got my birth father's thing for the sciences, and my mother's skill with art and poetry.

I'm almost nothing like my adoptive family, I'm the weird one who dresses in black and likes the night and is possibly just a little bit crazy. My adoptive family are the type of people who wear pastels and dress very conservatively, and have conservative views. I love them dearly, but I'm nothing like them.

Answer 2

I have to admit I wasn't expecting a whole lot of similarities.  But, I was so wrong!  Oh, my goodness.  I am so much like my nfamily in terms of likes, dislikes, mannerisms, interests, abilities, talents, views and on and on.  My husband says it's scary how much my ndad and I are alike.  My maternal ngrandfather says talking with me over the phone is like talking with my nmom (who passed away before we could reunite.)  I don't mean that our voices are the same.  He said it's my phraseology and my vocal patterns that are just like her.  My nfather says the same about that one.

I don't have much in common with my afamily in these ways.  It's just not who I am.  They'll most definitely concur with that, and do.  Sometimes you get adopted by people who are more similar to your core makeup and sometimes not.  Of course, your core is affected by your environment, but the core of who you are, in your dna, isn't changed.  It's just affected.

Answer 3

I see ways that I am very much like my adoptive family.  They raised me, so of course some of their habits and attitudes have rubbed off on me.  I also see ways that I am like my birth family.  We share the same genes, so some of my traits are genetic.  The way I see it, I come from two families: my birth family and my adoptive family.

Answer 4

When I first reunited with my bmom, I looked for similarities.  I wanted them.  I needed them.  There are some:  love of books, weirdly similar views on religion.  But that was it.  It was disappointing.  I knew I wasn't like my afam, and then I wasn't so much like my bmom.

Forward to a couple of months ago.  I had contact with my bdad, buncle, and bgrand.  Turns out I AM like that side of my family.  It's been strangely validating to know that a large part of who I am is biological.  That despite my upbringing, some of my best traits are inherited.

Answer 5

I have only met one person in my biological familes who i feel "connected" to in that way,and that is my birth fathers youngest daughter.she is 12 years younger than me,and in her early 20's.she has the same eating problem i had at her age,and same mannerisms,smile,shyness,etc. i feel we are the same person!!. sadly there isn't much communication withmy father's side,but to know there is someone there who is a younger version of me is scary but comforting too!.my mothers side also tell me that i have the (deceased) Grandmother's traits as she was always looking after and helping people.a cousin told me it was amazing to meet someone who reminded her of someone so special,and she gave me a ring that belonged to "our" grandma,which i will always treasure.but as to date,my sister is the only person who i "feel" related too!.

edit-i get along well withmy birth mother,but we are not alike in any way!

Answer 6

I'm the opposite, I'm so much like my parents (adoptive), that it's uncanny.  In looks I'm the living double of my b.mom, but nature, temperament, interests, etc I'm a lot like my parents.

I know lots of other adoptees say they're like their b.parents though, so I'm sure it's pretty usual.

Answer 7

if you say so champ! keep up the excellent work!

Answer 8

Nearly every quality, trait, and taste/preference is from my natural mother or father.

Tastes in food, furniture, interest in travel, reading, and art, weird things like handwriting and the same favorite color are like my mother.

Just like Isabel said, the less attractive qualities are also inherited.  And I have migraines like my mother, and we experience them in the same way.

The only thing I have from my environmental/adoptive home is my deep fear of poverty, because I grew up with little money, and my afather's parents would have been homeless, if not for him supporting them.  That's a trip that's hard to shake.

Answer 9

I do have my biological mother's temper which she got from my bio-grandma. But I think that is it, really. My attitudes and views on life, I have both my adoptive mother's and father's attitude.

Answer 10

Very much biology.  It's almost scary to me how similar I am to my first mom.  Certainly I have some mannerisms and quirks that I got from my adoptive family, too.  I don't doubt we are affected by our environment.  But it is downright freaky how much alike my first mom and I are.

Answer 11

I grew up with my natural mother & an adoptive father. I was told my entire life how much I was like my mother - physically, emotionally, mentally etc. I believed I was simply a carbon copy of my mother.

Then I met my natural father! WOW! There is SO MUCH of him in me!! It was so exciting for me to put the pieces of the jigsaw together & know where the little bits that weren't like my mother had come from. SO much of my personality is just like his.

Strangely enough the weirdest thing was that he had had another son (I have one full blood brother) who was SO identical to my brother in both physical appearance & mannerisms. It was so uncanny as our mother left our father when my brother was 6 months old so all similarities were purely genetic, not learned behaviour!

Answer 12

My bad eyesight. My looks and thats about it. I have too many simalarities of my adoptive parents rather than my bio mother and father.

Answer 13

my first mother and I are very much alike in some ways. And other ways, you can tell I wasn't raised with her. We have the same laugh, same smile, we're very much "givers" we're each very sensitive, we have the same color, like the same favorite foods....when people see us together, they say you can't tell we were ever apart because we are SO alike in so many different ways. We share....amazing similarities.

but I'm also like my amom, I love to sit and teach my children new things, I like to travel, I am not a republican, I speak english, i have "white ways" because I was "raised" by her.

If i would have been raised by my mother I would speak spanish and hawaiian fluently, I would have known my culture, so although her and I are so much alike because we're connected by blood, i lost the familiarity of growing up with her, that all of my cousins have and .... i grieve that loss everyday.

Answer 14

That's what I'd love to discover.  But sealed records prevent either party knowing each other

I am so happy for every adoptee who gets to experience what everyone else takes for granted!  All the best to you

Answer 15

I know exactly what you mean.

I was not expecting so many similarities!!

It's been amazing - and mind blowing.

Finally to share traits with another human being - has been GREAT.

Answer 16

I am very much like my firstmom.  In almost every way.  Unfortunately that also means we share many of the same flaws. Or at least, I considered them flaws since they are things my adoptive parents scolded me for regularly.

My firstmom is very much a free spirit, she is very gregarious and fun loving.  She speaks her mind ALWAYS.  And she's fearless.

My aparents are much more conservative.  I was always embarrassing them as a kid.

It has been difficult for me to reconcile the fact that my firstmom possesses many traits that my parents scorned in me and yet, she is a normal functioning member of society.  Does that make sense?

I spent our first visit thinking to myself, "Why does she get to be that way?"  Because I had to be different.

I've become much more accepting in the last year.  Meeting her has helped me to resolve some of my own personal self esteem issues.  They say that the things we dislike in others are usually the things we dislike in ourselves.  It couldn't be more true in my case.

My sister came for a visit and just kept saying, "You are so much like my (our) mom, it's scary."

And it really is.

Answer 17

Hi Rachael,

Yours is not rare.  I've heard of many cases of reunited adoptees and natural families who are very much alike.  My own case was similar to yours.  I'm very much like my natural mom in so many ways.  That is one of the fun things after reunion is discovering all the things you have in common with each other.  Not just physical traits.  There's personality, mannerisms, preferences, outlooks on life, and all those other intangible things.  Non-adopted people take all the family traits for granted because they have grown up with them.  It's a huge deal for those who have been deprived of that all of their lives.  

There is some variation that can be expected in any families.  For instance, of my two natural sisters, I'm far more like the one I was raised with, although physically I resemble the other one more.  The other one is different from us, as could be expected with siblings who were raised together, they are not always alike either.  Does that mean I regret finding her?  No way.   I'm thankful for finding everybody and would never trade that away no matter what they were like.

Thanks for asking.  Hope you and Lori A. are still discovering new family similarities.  Happy New Year.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 18

Oh honey, that is not rare AT ALL!!!!!  When I first spoke to my birth mother, I thought that someone was playing a joke and so did she b/c the similarities were unbelievable!!!!!  I have a lot of traits from my a-parents too, don't get me wrong. But it was just crazy to have so much in common with my birth mother, a complete stranger to me!  Let me give you a list:

-our voices are the same.  Its like having a conversation with myself

-when I was adopted, I already had a first name given to me by a previous adoption, but not a middle name and my a-parents gave that to me.  Well I be darned!  Same middle name as my birth mother.  They never met her or knew her name prior to my search

-her birth day is the same as my son's

-we are in the same line work.  I do hair as a hobby and wanted to go to school for it but changed my mind and went in the other end of cosmetology (make up, esthetics, waxing, etc....)

-our attitudes are VERY similar

-we look like sisters, that was weird the first time we were together and someone stopped us to ask if we were

I could go on for days!  All growing up, I always favored my a-mother and my other adopted siblings looked like my a-mother and a-father.  So to have that all changed was interesting to say the least.  Its nice to hear about other adoptees with similar experiences.

Answer 19

I recon it's 70% biological and the rest how you are raised. I haven't met my birth mother, but I have the exact same personality as my grand father, even down to our styles of living, favourite foods and animals etc. Certain things, like my manners and my behaviour towards other was shaped a little by my adoptive parents. I remember meeting my birth aunt, and it was like looking in a mirror, it was quite weird!