Rewrite of a poem? What do you think?

Question

h**l-bent to live my life to its fullest

Stay out of Pandemonium’s way

You say that you are the cure for what I have

But I have nothing to be cured of.

Bleached and pale,

My fingers write these words while I

Freeze in the strangely cold fires

Of h**l. Pandemonium.

Didn’t I say early in my life

I would stay away from mayhem, bedlam?

How did I slip up on my rule?

Why are things the way they are?

I slipped up, gave up,

Gave in to never return

Sad, now that I can’t.

Forever shall I ask myself:

Where did I go wrong?

Answer 1

This has a much better flow... I like the new words used and the changes made... I am not the authority on poetry, I just say what I see and feel... You are growing, as are we all... I can see the growing poet in this piece...

Blessed Be, Siren

Answer 2

i think its fine....good work

Answer 3

This is bloody fantastic! You have a rare talent. Oh my, this is just so evocative!