Rituals for ending relationship with adoptive parents?

Question

I don't consider the people who adopted me my parents and I decided I don't want them in my life anymore. I'm not religious but I want to create a rite of passage symbolysing cleansing my life of their negative energies. Any Ideas?

Answer 1

Dear Stray,

WOW! Such great answers here!  I totally recommend the name changing idea.  I didn't completely break with my adopters, but I did change my surname BACK to what it was from birth.  It was one of the most liberating things I've ever done.

And you owe your adopters NOTHING.  They wanted to adopt a child--you involuntarily provided what they desired.  Your job is DONE.  Go ahead and punch out.  Your shift is over, love.

Answer 2

They adopted you they took you in when your own parents rejected you. No matter how bad they have been as parents at least they fed you and give you a place to sleep in. I advice to you is to please think about it twice( at least) before you regret it later. There is so many ways to end so many relationship with other people, you don't have to go so far

Answer 3

Amazing how many people here havent answered the question. Suddenly overcome with the need to tell someone how they should feel,

The initial question asked for a ritual to for ending their relationship with their adoptive parents. Obviously they do not have a positive relationship with these people, why exactly should they remain 'grovelling grateful' for the rest of their lives?

One option is to write a letter to the universe with all the reasons you will not let them back in your life, stating clearly to the universe that you do not want these people to be in your life and what you would like. Go out to a private place and yell these out to the world. Do this several times over a period of weeks and then put the list in a book that attracts you spiritually (even a book of quotes) and a year later open it and see where the universe has allowed you to move from and what it has given you in its place.

Answer 4

Thank them for sacrificing so much for you.

Answer 5

Take a step back and look hard before you burn that bridge. Weather your parents are biological or adopted, we all go through stuff, its part of growing up.

Answer 6

First off, print out this page of mostly horrid yahoo answers and burn it at the doorstep of your parents, as you chant "I was not born to be grateful to you".

Sorry you have to be facing this sad time and dealing with the ignorance of people who have never been in your shoes. Thinking of you. You are a beautiful person -with or without your aparents- never forget that.

Answer 7

Here is my ABC ritual I just invented JUST for you!!

Annual yourself from the adoption,

Burn your amended birth certificate,

Change your amended name back to your birthname.

And to all the people who are judging you for not wanting a relationshp with your aparents, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE WITH HER APARENTS?!?! Just because someone has adopted doesn't make them a saint!! There are good adopters, and bad adopters, just like non adopted families have good parents, and bad parents. If someone doesn't want to know their parents ( non adopted family ) would you automatically tell them to be greatful they were born? that they should love their parents for giving birth to them and raising them? NO! you WOULDN'T!! you would say "that sux that you had crappy parents!" so the same applies here, just because shes adopted, doesn't mean she needs to be thankful for bad parents!

Answer 8

wowow,

how ANGRATE OF YOU

HOW DO YOU THINK YOU BIRTH PARENT WOULD HAVE BEEN

THESE ADOPTIVE PARENT MUST NOT BE RICH

I will tell you this that their are negative people everywhere

what you need to do is as hard as it might be is for you to take charge of your life

go get counseling and move on, only let them around you when you fell you can deal with them

but call to check on them once a week

my sister is totally negative, and she is the only mother figure I have in my life sometime I feel like I want to kick her to the curb but she is mine so I decide to talk to her but change the subject when ever she beging to critisized

the funny thing is she never critisize me and as people say to me she thinks that I am the greatest since slice bread

What I am trying to say is this don't throw them away

just because of that, I know it is mental abuse what they are doing but get your cure and try to pass it

you have no guarantee that you will have get  better parents

appriciate what ever goodness they have in them

Take care

Answer 9

How old are you?  Don't burn your bridges.

Answer 10

there are ways of doing this and i think its legal and the best way to go contact a lawyer and find out what he charges you have to have them tell you first and then you just start shopping till you find the right one and go for it.

Answer 11

Wow. How rude. They took you into their lives and cared for you and spent money and time and heartache on you, and this is the result? I think they need the cleansing ritual...

Answer 12

Wow sounds like you are a selfish person, I was adopted at 15 an love my adoptive parents deeply  for taking time out of their live to do something good an give me a home. I would NEVER want to keep them out of my life an you sound very selfish for even considering something like that.

Answer 13

Wow!  I was adopted and would NEVER have considered not wanting them in my life anymore!  Do you realize how much your adoptive parents sacrificed for you?  All the time and money they put into supporting you?  What you are contemplating is the single most selfish thing you could do.  I'd say it's time you grow up and realize that it's NOT always about what YOU want.

Answer 14

uhh.... i agree with the person who said drop it and move on!!

you know, they did a nice thing, adopting you and all.. people don't usually go thru all the trouble of adopting kids unless they really want them because it is a long and expensive process.. i think you should be grateful!

Answer 15

Do what all kids do who don't get along with their parents.

Avoid them and only contact them when you need something.

So sorry to hear that you don't love them.

Not everyone has the good fortune of having loving parents.

I don't know what I'd do without my 2 kids. (One by natural birth and ones adopted.) They're my life!!!

By the way, they're in their thirties now, and both wanted to run away at one point or another when they were really small.LOL.

We have our disagreements,but it's so good to know when we're mad at eachother, it's okay, 'cause we still love eachother, and get over it.

As far as a seperation ritual goes, write up a document of seperation like a lawyer would and divorce your parents.

Then have a glass of wine and break it as a symbol of sealing the deal.

Answer 16

Sacrifice them, it keeps with the adoption theme.

No need to thank me.

Answer 17

I moved 3000  miles away!

Answer 18

Heaps of candles and essential oils.

And perhaps some writings - affirmations - stating that you're taking back your life.

I'm sorry that you obviously had adoptive parents that should have never passed their home study.

You are not alone.

Sending you hugs, strength and peace.

Poss. x*x

Answer 19

Stray, I don't know if I have any better suggestions than the ones already stated.  Except personally I'd probably change something physically about myself, like get a new hairstyle or color, or a tattoo, or something.  Just to physically signify the change and the new beginning.

You certainly don't need to be told how you should feel or how grateful you should be, you are after all an adult and are capable of making your own decisions.

Nobody should be made to feel grateful for being adopted.  You didn't ask for it, you had no say in this happening to you.  If your adopters were bad people who treated you poorly, you owe them nothing.  You have every right to sever ties.  Even if they weren't bad people, this is your life, and your decision to make.

Answer 20

Lol, stray look at these answers! I don't even know what to say!

If anything, this is a really interesting excersize in witnessing people saying all the stereotypical wrong things...

WOW!

First thing, let's be thankful we aren't depending on the masses of yahoos random answerers for support! hugs darlin.

About what you actually wrote... sigh, it's so difficult, and I really don't know. I know for a lot of people with abusive parents it's really and truly necessary to step away, but then again, the feelings can change over time to wanting a relationship.

Stepping away can give you the freedom to have the relationship only if it's going to be healthy, or to gain some perspective to deal with things say or do that are hurtful and manipulative.

Anyways, we all care about you!

Something to ponder, if you had written the EXAST SAME THING and exchanged birthmother for adoptive parents, you would have gotten a bunch of answers about how adoptive parents are better and good for you for appreciating what a "non parent" your biological mother is! And she did nothing for you anyways!

People are so funny.

and ignorant.

Answer 21

I have heard that some adopted persons go to court to change their name back to the name that they were given at birth - some use their first name as their middle name and change their legal last name (IF they can find out what what they were originally named).  If that appeals to you, you could make a day of it with friends - go to court, have a toast on the courthouse steps to the new you, and host a gorgeous lunch that ends with a birthday cake with your birth name on it with everyone singing to welcome the new birthday you into the world.

If you want something more serious and without the legal thing, I would suggest that you have a sunset ceremony with lighting candles as the sun goes down and maybe changing clothes to symbolize the shedding of the old life and donning the new.

Answer 22

Hugs!

Assuming you're an adult now, you can choose who you want in your life based on what's best for YOU. Many adoptees have feelings of deep loss, abandonment, rejection, lack of control over their lives, various forms of abuse, identity, belonging & many other issues. Whatever they are, I'm sure you have your reasons & they're valid ones. You can make decisions that will be healthier & lead to greater happiness. Sorry for all the pain you've experienced in the past. It's a sad fact that not all relationships are beneficial, some are toxic, regardless of adoption or not. Here are some ideas for you:  could change your name, move, release white doves into the sky? Write a letter, you don't even have to actually send it. Here's a saying that might have meaning for you: "Friends are the family you choose for yourself."

As an adult reunited adoptee, the following 3 points are some of my thoughts on adoption, as it's practiced today:

1) When unplanned pregnancies occur, everything possible should be done to keep natural families together.

If the mom needs financial or childcare assistance, she should be helped. If parenting classes are needed, that should be provided. It's interesting that finances are often a common reason given for young women or couples not being able to raise their child, & then adoptive families receive huge tax benefits for doing so. It appears that those with more financial resources are deemed to be the better parent in USA. Children belong with, & deserve their intact families. If the parents can't, then grandparents or other family members should be chosen over total strangers. It's not the responsibility of unmarried moms to provide babies for women who can't have their own! Resources should be directed towards helping families to reduce the need for adoptions in the first place. Adoption's a perm solution to temp. circumstances that can be helped. Australia has done an excellent job of keeping families together & adoption's no longer necessary there.

2) Things are currently done in the best interest of the adoptive parents. The adoption industry would clearly rather supply children to infertile wealthy couples than keep families together. Single moms are coerced into signing away their parental rights at a time when they're very vulnerable. They're told they'll forget & be able to get on with their lives. Women who lose a child to adoption do not ever forget! The pain's always there. Even when they choose "open-adoptions, " those aren't legally enforceable & can be changed to closed adoptions at any time by the adoptive parents and there's nothing the birthparent or adoptee can do about it. Everything seems to revolve around creating a family for childless couples to create the illusion that they'll all live happily ever after. It's a myth that because they wanted a child so badly, that somehow makes them better parents. Or if they love them, the adoptees will never need the truth about their origins, if indeed the adoptive parents choose to share that info at all. No matter how many expensive items the adoptee is later given, the experience is still a great personal loss to the adoptee. Few fully understand who have not lived it. Adoption isn't a one-time event, it's a lifelong experience that the adoptee lives every single day & it can't be undone. Adoptees are each in various stages of their journey. Some are still in denial, others are understandably angry. It wasn't a personal choice & many feel they're living a lie. A sad fact is they're extremely overrepresented in psychological, juvenile, & criminal systems later on in life. Could that have been prevented?

3) The U.S. Government for the most part is still keeping secret information from adoptees. Did you know that adoptees are still denied all of their original birth certificates and records containing their original identity in 44 of 50 states? Places & dates of birth are sometimes changed as well! As it stands now, & has for the last several decades, when an adoption occurs, the govt has been altering the birth record to indicate that the adoptive parents are the ones who gave birth. The adoptee's left w/ a govt-issued forged document as their only proof of who they are & that's all they ever get. Contrary to popular belief, the correct info is NOT returned to the adoptee EVEN WHEN HE/SHE BECOMES A LEGAL ADULT in every other sense of the word! Unbelievable but true, a grown adoptee in most states today, must go to court at their own personal expense, (& sometimes w/ their parents permission!) in the hopes that a judge will sign an order releasing their info, & they must show "good cause." If they don't, then the govt apparently still feels that’s fair and legal. Sometimes adoptions were not completed legally. Those events were also covered up in the cloak of the sealed records era. Could there be a fear of accountability there? True, most states are in the process of rectifying the situation to reflect a more humane approach. Only 6 states currently treat adult adoptees as all other adults are treated w/ respect to info pertaining to themselves, law-abiding, tax-paying, adult Americans. A 2nd class of citizens is created & discriminated against for no reason other than the circumstances of their births. They want to know why they don't deserve the same right to their own public birth records & identity that everyone else takes for granted. For those of you wondering how this may have come to be, during the 2nd half of the 20th century, many states began closing adoption records. Before that, adoption info was publicized in newspapers. Then adoption records were sealed from the public, but identifying info was still available to just the birth and adoptive families & their attorneys. This was to prevent prying 3rd parties from learning of "illegitimate births" at a time when out-of-wedlock births were considered a sin. It was never intended to keep info from the adoptee himself, but that's what resulted. Social workers, in their short-sighted wisdom, got involved and decided that children would have no need for their biological heritage, they could take on that of the adoptive family's. Adoption agencies were very motivated to sever all ties. Lies & secrecy became the norm of adoption then, & those only serve to foster more mistrust, fears & insecurities in families. Truths, on the other hand, no matter what they are, can be dealt with. Unknowns cannot. Meanwhile, those children grew up & realized what had happened to them. They began to speak out in large numbers as to the unjustness of the situation. They were Adults now, not in need of protection from the truth about themselves. They began to demand their rights. It's patronizing to require another adult to decide on behalf of an adult adoptee if he/she can handle info about themselves, or what he/she should have a right to know. Who has a greater right to that info about themselves? Honesty is always the best policy. Now that societal attitudes have changed, it's common for single women to raise children. To continue to seal records is to keep adult adoptees perpetual children in the eyes of the law forever. It's time to correct the wrongs and give back adoptees their birth records! To continue to deny them the same basic rights that all other citizens have is to treat them, not as fully human, but as commodities in the huge profitable market called adoption.

I suspect if the above 3 points were changed, the asker of this question & many others may have already been in a better position today. It's time to put the focus back where it should have been all along, on what is best for the CHILD! Remember, the true purpose of adoption is to provide homes for children who truly need them, It's NOT to provide children for childless people! Good luck to you in your healing journey.

Answer 23

You get some flash paper and a burning bowl.  Write the things that are in your heart and soul (perhaps because of a sour relationship with them) that you no longer want for yourself.  Maybe just words:  Fear - resentment - hatred - etc.  It's so important NOT to let those things be part of you because of a negative experience with other people.  YOU are a beautiful soul!

After you have written on the flash paper (it really can just be regular paper - but flash paper is more dramatic) - set it on fire and throw it into the burning bowl.

Then - light a candle and think of all the things you want to take the place of the negative things you just disgarded (Happiness - success - etc.) and say all of those things outloud as you focus on the candle.

After you have allowed your heart to know that you are filled with good, positive, beautiful stuff - blow out your candle - but know that the positive things will continue to burn within you!

Answer 24

Being the parent of an adopted child it would break my heart just as much to know that my child wanted nothing more to do with me. Even though he is not my birth child I love him none the less.

I'm not sure what happened or if there was any abuse. If so I sympathizes with you and am sorry you had to live through a bad childhood.

I do know that if you just never bonded with them, this is no reason to "let them go"... Chances are there is more of a bond then you think and you may regret any decision of "cleansing". You might want to think this through more thoroughly before coming to an ultimate decision.

Were there any happy childhood memories with them? Was there any time in your life you reached out to them? Was there anytime in your life you wished you could remain a child just to be close to them? There are so many questions you need to ask yourself. Take the time to reflect and know your true feelings.

I'm sorry i didn't answer your question, I just feel for you at this time and would hate to see you do something you might regret.

Best of luck with whatever decision you make.

Answer 25

Just drop it and move on.

PS I was adopted and they were evil in every since of the word and that is what I did.

Answer 26

Try growing up - works wonders!

Answer 27

If your parents are that toxic to you and your life, I would say just walk away.  I'd also suggest building an alternate family of friends and supportive people to fill the void in your life.  If you feel a need for some sort of ceremony, perhaps think about what kinds of activities might carry meaningful symbolism for you and perform them.

My nephew's wife does not have anything to do with her parents because of the abuse she suffered when she lived with them.  (She was on her own by 16.)  Although they gave birth to her, she has found on her own healthier people to substitute for the crazy people who gave birth to her and raised her.  Sometimes you get a poor set of parents and the only thing left to do is move on.  If that's the case for you, I'm sorry to hear it.