Rocky relationship, Does he love me, he says he does not know what love is?

Question

HI. Recently my 2 year relationship has been a little rocky. Lots of bickering and it seems we have very little time for each other. We have both become very involved in achievign our personal goals and have started taking our relationship for granted. We live together and it has been pretty good up until now.

I have been in a few relationships prior to him, 2 of which were very meaningful to me...but none of which came to close to how special my current relationship is. I am his first serious girlfriend.

The other day we got into a long discussion about our problems and we both agree that it is worth trying to save the good thing we have going. However, he said a few things I never expected to hear.

1. He cares about me but he is not sure that he loves me and is not sure he even knows what love is.

2. He wonders what it would be like to be with other women and is hesitant to move on to the next level because he is worried that this is all there is. He does not want to lead me on so he felt obligated to tell me that.

3. He thinks if we truly loved each other...the relationship would not be this hard.

Keep in mind...this came out of no where!!! I never expected to hear any of this!!

I am not sure whether to give him some space and let him figure this out for himself. If I should cut my losses and move out and on with my life. I find it hard to believe that all of a sudden he has this much doubt.

I have a feeling he is really freaked out, we have been talking lately of joint mortgages and where we will be in the next ten years. Who knows...maybe I am paranoid...please offer opinions.

Answer 1

There is no way this guy is ready to be in a full time relationship with you or anyone at this stage.

I've no doubt that he does care about you........but I care about a lot of people that I can't say I love, don't you?

It sound like he's been pretty open and honest about how he's feeling from the 3 points you mentioned and I think you weren't willing or ready to hear what you had to say.

One doesn't "all of a sudden" have this much doubt!  Guaranteed it's been building for awhile and is just now being verbalized.

Sometimes loving someone means letting them go and I think this is what you need to do.  If he's staying with you because he is worried about hurting you, that is not a good reason to be together.  I think he's waiting for you to say you're ok with breaking up and you need to do that!......for him, for you and for the relationship.

He might just need some space, but he might need to move on completely and not come back and you have to be ready and prepared for that.

Most girls, when asked what they look for in a guy will say "Honesty".  He has been honest with you about how he feels.....don't be hard on him for telling you the truth.  Until he has opportunity to explore the unknown and find out whatever he feels he needs to find out, he will always feel like he is missing out on something.

You are his first serious relationship........you said you were in a few before him!  You had your chance to see what's out there, set him free so he can do the same.

Answer 2

My guess would be he is worried about himself.. Humans always think that it can get better somehow and that is where he stands.

I think it is perfectly natural to be hesitant like this but the fact that he presented it so blatantly is a slight trigger.

I know in my position I would want the girl (or you in this case) to show affection.. listen to his signals and if he wants to talk or be with you then go for it, but if he seems like he is losing interest it might be best to just cut if off.

I know how hard that sounds and I am in a similar position myself :(

Keep in mind that above all else you need to be happy.