SERIOUS Adoption Issue!!?

Question

So a few days ago my biological brother called me and told me that he was.. well, my brother! I'd known I was adopted, but that was it! Now I'm in contact with all my siblings and my mother. The problem is.. I'm 17 and my adoptive parents think that this is illegal. Is it? I think they are jealous and angry and feel left out, but seriously, I feel a much stronger bond with my blood. I NEED to meet my real family. I'm very headstrong and will do almost ANYTHING to meet them, including running away or emancipation from my adoptive family. Sad, but true. I need advice! What can I do to convice my adoptive parents that this is MY life and I need to meet my OWN family ALONE. And IS it illegal what we're doing? HELP!!! If you need more details in order to answer PLEASE contact me at [e-mail] because I'm DESPERATE. This is SUPER serious and causing me GREAT anxiety!!

Answer 1

no people do it all the time

Answer 2

no, it is not illegal.

but to call them your "own family", "real family" is a huge slap to the face of the people that reared you, cared for you, as thier own.

Heartless is a word that comes to mind.

Answer 3

adultadoptees.org is an anti-adoption web site, you need to hear more balance in this situation.  Your PARENTS  raised you all these years, and have legal rights until you are 18.  That is less then a year.  Your b brother had no right and should have waited.  Your parents loved you and supported you all these years, do not be a little whine brat and throw it all in their faces.  What would that say about you as a person.  You are being very mean and hurtful to your parents, and need to step back a moment ans really see the big picture.  One more year is not going to kill you.

Answer 4

hello- sorry to be rude- but they gave you away. Then they waited 17 years to look you up.  Your adoptive parents wanted you, loved you, cared for you 17 years, and now you would leave them for people you barely met and dont even know what they are like or even if they are your "real" family. if you are so desperate to meet them ask your a- family to acompany you otherwise stay put til your 18.  however i dont think it is ileagle for you, whoever gave them the info on how to reach you did break the law, most adoptions are confidential

Answer 5

It isn't illegal for your biological family to have contact with you, though your adoptive family feels an agreement has been broken with them.  Your curiosity and need to know more is quite human and normal,   and so are your adoptive parents' feelings of fear and anger.   They are afraid of "losing" you and can't see that their present behavior alienates you.  

You can't "convince" anyone to see things from your perspective or feel your own feelings.   ALL of the people involved here have a "past" together, which was basically keeping away from each other.  You ALL also have a future together-- you will go forward in time with both your adoptive family and biological family-- so try to consider that your actions need to take everyone into account.  Consider compromise, patience, tolerance for feelings and behaviors you don't like right now.  You matter deeply to all these people, especially the ones who have cared for you daily for 17 years, and you should think of how to handle this time in a way that helps all of you get into a more positive relationship in the future years to come.

Answer 6

I'm sorry your adoptive parents are so selfish.  Who ever said there is too much family?

No, it's not illegal to talk to any other person in a free country--unless you live in Iraq or something.  You are not an indentured servant, but some people think of adoption this way.

Please come see us at

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum

We have an area for teens, too.

Also, every night there is adoptee chat online at 9PM Eastern at

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

It's hosted by Joe Soll, an adoptee and therapist.

Stay the strong person you always have been, everything will be better soon.

xx

Answer 7

My husband and his brother were both adopted.  When they were younger they has the same curiosity however you should stand back and look at the real picture.  Your adoptive parents have been there for you, cared for you, and loved you all these years.  I don't believe blood is a true factor.  I feel compassion for your adoptive family because in there eyes you are THEIR baby.  

The biological family is not allowed to seek contact with the child without consent of the adoptive parents before they are 18. Even if the adoption was private and through an agency the bio. parents may have had to sign a contract included when they relinquished that states what contact they are allowed to pursue and when.  So in a sense I think it is illegal because they have to get the adoptive parents permission before contact can be made.

Answer 8

Dear LilyAnne,

I am so happy for you that you have both the opportunity and the desire to meet your First Family! Congratulations!

I am sorry your Adoptive Parents are having a hard time with it - perhaps if you include them a little and ease their fears some they will be more supportive.

As to the legality of contact, no, what you are doing is not illegal unless there is a restraining order. (If you are under 18, your Adoptive Parents can still take one out on your First Family if they feel there is a threat to your safety and a Judge agrees.)

Best of luck to you with both of your families! I hope all of you have a long and happy future together!

Answer 9

I don't think it's against the law...  and you're perfectly normal to want to meet your natural family--how cool!  

I'm sure your adoptive parents love you very much and probably are just taken back and are afraid of losing you.  Let them know that they're not going to lose you, this is a normal part of an adoptee's life and you need to handle this the best way you know.  Let them know what you are hoping they'll help you with and what you suggest you need to do on your own.  

Best wishes

Answer 10

No, unless they have a restraining order out on them from your AP's then it is not illegal. However, if you go against your parents before you are 18 they can take action in the form of punnishments. I hope you can find some support to talk to your familiy and convince them that getting to know your blood reletives is a positive step in healing from the loss of adoption. Try a school counciler or maybe you have a supportive grandparent to talk to and help you talk to your parent. A lot of times someone older has more influence on parents and knows how to make them understand.

Answer 11

First of all, calm down.  Doing something drastic is not likely to solve anything.  

I'm a little concerned about what you may have built up your biological family to be.  "I feel a much stronger bond with my blood"  Bonding takes time.  Is this a bond that you have created in your mind?  I hope you're not setting yourself up for a disappointment.

Try to consider your adoptive parents' feelings.  They most likely feel very threatened right now, especially if you have told them what you put in this post.  Talk to them.  Don't cast them aside like garbage.

Your adoptive parents should be more supportive, but we really haven't heard their side of the story.  It's possible that they know something about the situation or conditions of your adoption and they are trying to protect you from the truth.

I truly hope that your adoptive parents come around and support you.

Answer 12

You do not owe anyone anything. You have a right to have a relationship with anyone you choose. Idiots on here have adoption backwards. If anything your a-parents should be thankful that you accepted them into your heart and life and not the other way around.

Answer 13

Hi Lilyanne,

Please ignore the ignorant!

I am sorry that your adoptive parents aren't being more supportive.  You should go to adultadoptees.org, you will find much better support there.  This forum is all about adoptees and many others have been thru what you are currently experiencing.  You are right to feel the way you feel.

(((Hugs))

Answer 14

This is not about your adoptive parents. You can have a relationship with both and still be a functioning human being. This is about you and your truth, your history, ancestory, roots.

BUT without you being 18 it is still your parents decision.  They can either help you with this now or hold off until your 18 and have no say about it.

Your relationship with them does not have to change, if they are your family now, they still will be after meeting your first family. It may be difficult, but it is something you need to do for you. Don't run away. If it's a problem for them after talking to them about it, hold off until your birthday. No one can stop you then. Really they shouldn't want to stop you, it could be very beneficial to you as a person. You will find out all sorts of thinks about yourself, your relatives, your medical background, etc... If it doesn't work out between you and your first parents then you walk away knowing more than you did before.

There really doesn't have to be all the drama about how they raised you from a pup and wiped your nose. No one is doubting that and people who say such thinkg have no idea what it's like to be in your shoes. There is no betrayal in wanting both. People do it all the time. Step parent families have the same 2 moms, 2 dads, thing going on and people live through it. Your adoptive mother and father will still be your mother and father.

Answer 15

Remember that your adoptive parents have given up 17 years of their life for you,and you telling them that they're not your real family is hurtful, and untrue. They are the ones who have been there for you all of your life.

You can legally do whatever you want when you're 18, but even then, you don't want to throw away the relationships with your parents who have proved they care about you and will fight for you.

Work with your parents to see what you can do - maybe this means writing letters, or phone calls, or emails, or maybe even meeting in person, but work with your parents to find out what you all think is the best. Remember they know you and are usually looking out for your best interest. They chose you and accepted you. Don't reject them now, and call their sacrifice over the last 17 years worthless.