SHE's NOT INVITED. A high school friend I used to be close to asked if she's "STILL INVITED". She never was!

Question

My former friend from high school left me a voicemail asking for my wedding details because she "has her flight already".

All we EVER talked about via e-mail was WHEN I'm getting married. Now she's asking me to send details, (i.e. an invitation). She added, "If I'm no longer invited, then please send an address so I can send a gift".

I know things have been hectic, but I would definitely remember if I invited her....and I DIDN'T. We were very close in high school, but that was almost 10 years ago. What to do??

Answer 1

just send her an invite! whats the problem? if she turns up to your wedding then it will be great to see an old friend again, and she obviously values your friendship enough to care enough to send you a wedding gift.

just invite her, its the right thing to do :)

Answer 2

She evidentally missed something somewhere. She is obviously very happy and excited for you. Just because you guys haven't seen each other in a while does not mean you couldn't invite her to your wedding.

I would go on ahead and invite her, you will probably be very happy that you did. :0)

Answer 3

hmmm, i dont understand WHY u wouldnt want her there....but its your day and so be it.

your gonna have to tell her something!!

maybe tell her a BIG change in the wedding arrangements have been made and u plan to elope w/only a small amount of family.

Answer 4

wow she's willing to fly out for your wedding. well do as you please.

Answer 5

She obviously wants to be there for you....is there a reason WHY she isn't welcome?  Maybe you should have stated whether you wanted her there or not...and why you don't.  

Is she awful....is she someone you don't want at your wedding?

Answer 6

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise I had invited you. As much as I would have liked to I just don't have room, and hadn't intended to do so. I really am sorry if I implied that you were coming."

She's fishing for an invitation, you can call her on it, or do the above and take her at face value. She may actually want to send a gift, in which case she'll ask for your address again. (You can always explain that you're getting too many gifts as it is and would rather she not, but that's touchy).

A guest limit is a guest limit, and even good friends get cut.

Answer 7

This is really a difficult situation. She made it so awkward for you and the way I see it- she set herself up for getting hurt. But you need to stand your ground. Tell her its just a small wedding for family if you think that might be less hurtful. Make sure to thank her for any gifts and well wishes. Good luck and congratulations on getting married.

Answer 8

Would having her at the wedding at no extra cost to you be something you would not like?

Be up front with her.  Obviously you are still in touch with this person and have been within the last 10 years...Not sure what not seeing each other face to face has to do with evaluating who is worthy and unworthy to grace you with their presence at your wedding...

I mean tell them you did not have them on the list and send an address if you are going to get all bent out of shape about this.  It sounds like you have control issues in my opinion...HOW DARE SOMEONE WANT TO WATCH YOU GET MARRIED!!!!  I mean it sounds like she cares more about your friendship then you ever did.

Let's look at this.  You tell her "I'm getting married"  her reaction is "I want to be there to see that even at the cost of flying out to see it."  Your reaction is "WHAT THE HECK I NEVER SAID YOU COULD COME!!!!!"

Is there more to this than we know?

Answer 9

just tell her that you have already invited the maxuimum of people seating

Answer 10

Would it be a problem if she came? The more the merrier, right? If you had a falling out of some sort and seeing her on your big day would cause extra stress then just tell her that. Otherwise you should be happy that she wants to support you on your wedding day.

Answer 11

Nothing. Just like you said, if you had invited her you would have remembered. Don't send her any address. She'll get the message. I don't understand why some people don't get it, weddings are supposed to be for the people who are in our lives.

Answer 12

you have to invite her. she knows and cares so just send an invitation. you already told her about it!

Answer 13

Whats the big deal...., if you didnt end as enemies then just let her come, stop being ridiculous

Answer 14

just say that you really never invited her and then say how you two aren't really close anymore

Answer 15

Wow.  It sounds like you are snubbing a perfectly good and caring friend.  I can't figure out why!

Answer 16

Hmm I guess she thought as I would have that you would have wanted her there.  People lose contact over the years but I didn't realize that makes you no longer friends.  

What you do is up to you.  If you don't want her to come then tell her but I wouldn't send an address for a gift either.

Answer 17

Reply to her email with the following:

"Sarah,

I'm sorry if there's been a misunderstanding. Bob and I are having a small wedding and weren't able to invite all the people we would have liked. I hope you're able to get the money back for your flight, or use the ticket for another trip.

Below is our address, but you certainly don't need to send a present. Our long friendship has always been gift enough for me!"

Then give her your address and send the email along. She doesn't need an explanation of why she personally wasn't invited ("I don't consider you a close friend anymore" will hurt her feelings terribly). It doesn't matter if your wedding is small or not - that's all she needs to hear. Keep it simple, sweet, and pleasant, and hope that she will do the same.

Answer 18

Reply that the wedding is small and its family only and a few very close friends to keep costs low so unfortunatly you coulsnt invite everyone you wanted to.  then tell her sending a gift is not needed and youd love to get together sometime after things settle to catch up.

Answer 19

it would be awfully mean of u not to invite her OMG SHE SAID SHE'LL SEND U A GIFT IF U DID NOT INVITE HER...DON'T U HAVE A CONSIOUNS(I THINK I MISPELLED THE WORD) BUT ANYWAYS OMG!!!!!!! maintaning a friendship is very crucial.....specially highschool buddies

Answer 20

send an address.

Answer 21

PLEASE. WHAT IS ONE MORE PERSON? THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PLANNING A WEDDING, BUT IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR EGO.

ARE YOU ASHAMED OF YOUR FIANCE/HUSBAND THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO INVITE HER? GET A GRIP OF YOURSELF, SHE'S A FRIEND.

SO YOU'LL TAKE THE GIFT BUT NOT INVITE HER?? HMM...

Answer 22

invite her

Answer 23

If she is willing to fly to you, would it be that bad to invite her? I mean, I know you weren't planning on it, but would it be a big deal? If you are having a really small wedding, then simply write to her and say that although you would love to see her, and hope she can get a refund or exchange on a flight, you're having a very tiny intimite wedding, and do not want her to trouble herself with getting you a gift, etc.

If you're having more than just a few people at the wedding, then why not just invite her. She'll bring a gift, and it's not like you would spend a ton of time with her or anything. . . ..

Just a thought

Answer 24

Tell her you are sorry for the misunderstanding but you have not included her in your guest list and it is too late to make changes. If you want to keep her as a friend, then offer to have her as a guest for a week this autumn, to fly out and visit her, or something. Offer to reimburse her the fee for cancelling her flight.

OR simply send her an invitation.

It's very natural and human for people to want to share their joyful thoughts, feelings, and plans with EVERYBODY but it is also very natural these "everybody" people to assume you are telling them all about it bacause it includes them. I have seen similar questions about a single person planning to buy a condo or rent a larger apartment and have their BF/GF mistakenly assume that it means moving in together. It's a good rule of thumb when you share plans with others you should make very sure that they don't assume that sharing TALKING about some future event doesn't mean they will be PARTICIPATING in that future event.

Answer 25

well what I would do is if you don't like her anymore than you could say that your wedding is booked and you already ordered the food and only have enough for your amount guests but you'll send her pictures of your wedding to not make her feel bad. But if you want to invite her than you can! I am not trying to take over your wedding! It is your day! I hope everything goes well!! Congrats!!!

Answer 26

You don't have a list of the people you invited to check her name in?

If you care to invite her then go ahead and do so.

Otherwise just tell her that invitations were already sent out and it's incredibly kind that she wants to send a present but that's not necessary and hopefully you can meet her in the new year and catch up.

Answer 27

you need to tell her she is not and was not ever invited, i know it may be hard considering is is/was a friend at one point but the last thing you need on your wedding day is extra stress from an unwanted guest!! also with the whole "send an address so i can send a gift" she is trying to guilt you into inviting her..its YOUR day and you deserve it to be perfect, tell her you dont want her there!

Answer 28

Seems to me that if someone from high school is prepared to pay so much to come to your wedding, she considers herself still a friend.  I'd invite her.  I'd feel pretty good about still being friends with someone 10 years out of high school.  I don't think I talked to anybody I knew in high school since 3 years after graduation.

Answer 29

It sounds like she's fishing for an invite. Tell her, "I'm so sorry, we're having a very intimate wedding, and we've had to severely limit the guest list. I hope understand, and a gift isn't really necessary, but if you really want to send one the address is_____________________".

Make sure she doesn't have the location, to avoid 'crashing.

Answer 30

Unless there is some other reason to not have her there (budget, room), I would just invite her.  A hard lesson I learned during my wedding--you shouldn't share any details  unless you plan to invite that person.

Imagine if you were on the other side....some friend was planning a big party and told you all of these details about it, but then didn't invite you.  Wouldn't you be hurt?  "Why'd you even tell me about it if you weren't going to invite me?"

Chalk it up to a lesson learned--she thought she was invited when you started sharing her details about the wedding.  If she wants to send a gift regardless of being invited, it sounds like she wants to invest in your relationship even if its just for old time's sake since you're not that close now.