Before I even get started; please don't post ANY websites or phone numbers if those links or numbers require any information or registration from me. If you are going to answer this question, please answer it in full in your post or suggestion, without you providing further information that I would have to surf away from this thread. I think its really crappy of some people to exploit people who are in serious need of answers, by giving out advertisement links or spam that can only make things worse. If you think you must post a link, at least explain the link and make sure that I don't have to provide ANY information if I go to your crappy site to find answers. Again, please do not provide me with any links that will require me to register or give any information to help me. I am seeking Answers, not more things to do.
I am considering quietly murdering myself because of several issues that have mounted on top of each other in a large unsolvable stink of a pile.
1. I have a very extensive criminal record that is for the most part not sealable. I have never murdered anyone, but i have a felony that I am a fugitive from - a drug charge from over seven years ago. I was not dealing, but we did have medication in a car I was in. I have a few misdemeanors on my record. I also have several dismissed cases that I cannot afford to get sealed.
2. I am disabled by state approval, it is hard for me to work. I am highly antisocial and do not get along well with anyone.
3. I am ugly and skinny and male. I am an adult. Because I have no money to take care of my teeth, the deep scars on my face, and my body getting older, I have serious issues all around. I am balding, I have distended muscles. Most of my problems come from damage in aging and I have no support from others to help me back to mental and physical health.
4. I have ABSOLUTELY no family support and no friend support. As a result of something my parents did to me in my life, I have suffered immeasurable trauma, which has caused serious further issues.
5. I am likely 100,000 dollars in debt and I own NOTHING worth equity. My debt includes repossessions and loans insurmountable b/c I cannot work a job. The debts are only getting worse but luckily I can't afford much any more.
6. I have no degree worth more than minimum wage, noone will hire me b/c of a criminal background unexpungable, and b/c I am in such poor health.
7. B/C I have no money except for the disability check I get each month and food stamps, I have little left for myself and for anything extra. It is nearly impossible to wash clothes, or do anything else but sit at home and let the bills rack up.
8. I am in current criminal trouble b/c someone took advantage of my living situation. I wrote a bad check from a closed bank account that I had, I did not know I wrote the check on the closed account. When I found out the person was trying to steal from me, I reported it. However, they reported the check to the police later. I cannot afford small claims, an attorney, assistance, phone calls, and I cannot afford probation.
9. I would rather not be homeless. I live in a small shack of an apartment and I live alone. I cannot afford a pet.
It is true that I am looking for a simple answer, or if the answer is not simple - then just one answer that will make it all better. Perhaps there IS NO ANSWER. I don't care if there are plenty of others like me, I don't care about them, I care about me. If I cared about them and if I had anything to offer the homeless or others, I would. I don't care about 'having an attitude of gratitude', that makes things worse and doesn't pay bills.
Based on these issues, I feel like killing myself could be one possible solution that would make everything be solved. Since I don't have any family looking after me or wanting me to be part of their lives, and since I don't have a circle of friends, death is one viable answer. That is to say that I don't foresee myself becoming someone who is going to be socially acceptable any time soon because of severe physical issues and physical damage, my debt issues, my issues with trauma and people, and my overall life with finances and legal issues.
I realize that I am looking for something that will finally amount to anything in my life. Everything that I have had in my life has either gone, turned on me, or turned into something not worth having.
I am looking for one answer, possibly, that would make a difference in my life. Working at min. wage job at my age, in my thirties, is hardly an option b/c i do not want to be around others who are of the same poor health, or teenagers who wine, or people who are needy. I am sick of people who see that I am damaged and further try to damage me or steal from me. Yes, I am paranoid of people b/c I live in the USA and we are taught to be needy and selfish to others; entrepeuneurial or whatever. I am alone and only older people who are worse than me seem to want to hang out. I write a little bit, but it just seems as if when things sometimes may start to look upward, something else always happens.
God is NOT going to help unless IT finally reveals ITSELF to me after thirty and more years of praying and nothing happening and feeling guilty for something that does not exist, praying does not help, and I have played the lottery and not won. I do not feel down or as if I am being irrational, I am not being pessimistic here but I am being rational about solutions. I am tired of being at the bottom of everything. I want a difference in my own life that does not relate others trying to help me as if I owe them anything. I am not looking for acceptance, just something that says I matter here, because there is just one bad thing after another in my long life of bull. I understand that if I tackle one problem at a time I will be okay, but I'm just tired of doing that. I don't want to wait and wait for problems to get better. I need something that will make one noticeable difference in my life, and something that will give me incentive to take all of the other harsh things in my life in stride so much that they will get solved quicker.
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