STEP DAUGHTER PROBLEMS?

Question

hi can anyone advise me plz,i have 4 children of which 3 have grown up and left home,3 years ago i met a man of my dreams after being togeather 12 months his 10 yr old daughter came to live with us due to the fact she lied to us telling us her mums boyfreind tryed touching her after getting the police involved and finding out it wasnt true her mum disowned her,since living with us 2 years ago she thieved from us,lied to us buiiyed at school,phoned childline again lied to them and even told the school she was being starved and beaten and we had social services around at the house and after a chat and a house inspection they closed the case.we recently married 4 weeks ago and things have got worse her lies and thieving have caused us to put camearas in the kitchen as she swears blind it wasnt her.she constantly sneaks around the house listening into conversations,i feel really hurt i found a letter she wrote saying she thinks im her daughter and she is trying to rule my life i couldnt believe a 10 year old could be so awful i took her on as my own and this is what i get.i dont know what to do i dont know wheather to call it a day and let her and her dad move on.she tells me she wants go bk to her mum but her mum as totally disowned her.she as even sneaked our pc on a website that her mum is on to try send messages we found the passwords and she still denied it.shes getting really cheeky and is changing so much,althought i dont think it makes any difference im a white lady and my husband is full carribean also his daughter.she as also been told bout putting dirty washing bk in the wardrobe but still continues to do it,she even put used sanitry towels in there,and even after a shouting at a few months later does it again plz,plz can anyone advise i feel so useless.

Answer 1

Very tough situation you are in.  I know exactly what you are going thru.  My sd was living with us for about a year when she was 16, mommy got sick of her c**p and sent her here.  She was just deceitful and flunking school.  Nothing changed by moving her out of one state to another. I ended up slapping her and dhs got involved.  We were sent to therapy which did no good she didn't want to talk so every answer was I don't know.  In the end she ended up running away about a year later not once but twice and the second time my husband said fine, she was 8 months from being 18 and it was causing problems with us having her here.  Well she is back with her mom and 4 months pregnant with the boy she was living with when she ran away. I don't think things are going to get better with her, you either have to though it out til she is 18 or until a situation like mine occurs,which from the way it sounds she is heading in the same direction.  I am sorry I know it's not what you want to hear, but there is no changing a person like this.  If we could have afforded to we would have sent sd to a military school or school for troubled teens, we looked into and it is pretty pricey.  That would be my only suggestion, if you can afford it.  Good luck  

Answer 2

You are in a tough situation.  But having step children myself.  This is what has worked for me.  And I've seen stealing, drugs, pregnancy, jails ect.,.,from them.

1st She still see's you as between her parents."the other woman"

2nd She needs to bond with her mother again even if it means a lot of boundaries for her

3rd She under control of adults not the other way around. You can leave, she can't.  

I have not tried to step into the mom shoes with mine, I do perform mom duties and give them lots of love but I do not disipline.  I teach, I ask leading questions, I encourage, I help out but there dad is their dad and he is not shurking his responcibilities.  This girl is desperatly trying to get attention but what she really needs is attention from her mom and dad.  She needs to feel connected and heard and loved.

If I were you I would take on the Aunt role.  When you married her father she came with him and she was first not you.  

I think you are trying too hard.  Refer these problems to her father and don't let her mother slip out so easily.  This girl needs to see forgivness displayed.  She is only testing everyone to see if they love her by pushing them to reject her.

Again, I would step back and let her real parents take on this hard stuff.  They made this mess and they need to clean it up.  And frankly you can't make her feel better about her mother rejecting her.

Love is patient, kind, LONG suffering, always believing , always trusting, it doesn't behave it's self unseemly (don't let her make you come out of your skin-yell ect,.,) , it doesn't boast, it alwalys forgives.

I know you feel abused here.  I suggest you step back and take care of the functional things and hand her to her parents for discipline. This is what she is really longing for. He who disciplines his child loves his child.

P.S. She needs to hear from her mother.  She is hoping her mother will forgive her and love her again.  She is probably feeling guilt and is too prideful to admit it to you.

You have no right to keep her from her mother.  How would you feel?.

Answer 3

hears an idea this worked for my cousin and my bros they usto be the same unruly any way she is doing these things just to realy ..... you off its funny to her  if you ignore her for a while and act like shes not even there when she does some thing bad don't yell or say any thing just look away (which is really hard for the first few weeks coz she will try harder) and only notice her when she does some thing good just a little thank you or a well done or for some thing really good a treat of some sort then she will learn the only way to get your attention is for good behavior

You could also try so spend girl time with her doing stuff she likes to do

maybe a movie take her somewhere that she likes to go

hope this helps  

Answer 4

I wouldn't put up w/ this kinda behavior, i'd send her away, i wouldn't keep a kid like that. i wouldn't toler8 it 4 a moment. u certainly deserve FAAAAAAAAAAAAAARR better than this.

Best Wishes and God Bless you

Answer 5

Thats tough. i can see how this might be putting a strain on your life and your relationships..she seems very troubled, i cant imagine any child would do such things without reason. i think you should try a counselling session and find out whats wrong.  

Answer 6

In this case, with the stealing and lying - i`d get help from childcare professionals.

Something seems to be wrong, and she is screaming for attention in all the wrong ways.