Sad poem. Comments/suggestions?

Question

Untitled

Three tours in Iraq

he did not crack

he sweat and fought

did not break

soul dies violent

as he reads the note

estranged wife

unborn child

he ties the noose

steps off the chair

changes his mind

claws at the rope

too late...

Answer 1

Tragic, time of war or not, here or there, we hear much too much of this. Well said Reenie

Answer 2

"did not break" sounds kind of off. Like it needs another syllable or something, because the flow is a little bit off. Like a "he". I like how the line "as he reads the note" includes the "as" (the other lines don't include a word that indicates time placement) as it increases the impact. However, you should either remove the "as" (since it doesn't match) or add one in later to balance it out. "Too late" sounds a little akward and clitche; possible vocabulary change or addition?

I like it as a whole. It was moving, and it told a story. I had to go back and read it again to really get it.

Answer 3

I guess - the thought of his wife - was what was keeping him going in Iraq - only a guess - how could anyone know for sure.  He just felt lost for a second - and sometimes - that second is all it takes. So sad ♦

Answer 4

I think we all wish we had suggestions, solutions.

I have no words. Tears.

Answer 5

Reenie, I don't know what to say. My prayers are with this family and with you, and of course, with your son. Blessed Be, dear, in caring for those you love.

Eva

Answer 6

"War is h**l." I'm so sorry! Many of the casualties come after the soldier is (seemingly) safely home.

You told us this in a poignant, professional way.

Answer 7

That's sad. I don't know what to say....If I didn't have the back-story, I probably wouldn't have liked it. I am a military veteran and have seen how deployments and separations hurt families. Grown men crumble when they come home and find out that their wife wasn't faithful. (Though I have seen men act foolishly too when they are away from home.)

I am sorry your son had to witness this. I will keep all of you in my prayers.

Answer 8

Good poem.  Quite sad. :(

The 'soul dies violent' line, I find intriguing, in that its ambiguity could lead it to mean that the violence of the war killed his soul, and/or that his soul died in a violent manner, foreshadowing his last moment attempt to avert his suicide.  I'd keep it.

Again, it's sad, so sad.

Answer 9

I read about this in the paper,  this tragic consequence of an unneeded war in that place, destroying lives, bodies and minds.

Will we ever learn?

Devastating poem.

Answer 10

There are tools in place where this man could have been sent home temporarily to solve this problem; there is no reason he had to commit suicide...but then there never is. The real shame is that he didn't get help.

I don't know how to comment on the poem, I couldn't see the poem for the tragedy.

Answer 11

No suggestions - the poem is raw, but the subject is raw....there are times to be a poetry critic and times to accept a cry from the heart...and this is one of those occasions.

I hate war - I've never understood why man hasn't evolved past this stage in development.  I have two sons - if I was to lose them in a war, I would die too.  My heart goes out to your son, and to the relatives of this poor man.

Answer 12

I am beyond words. How many tears must fall before.....

Answer 13

Very sad, but all too often things like this happen during war.  I witnessed a man hailed as a hero in vietnam, broke and detonated a grenade to end his life.  There is no glory in war and battles, only death and destruction of lives and minds.

Answer 14

A sad look at a consequence of war to a brave warrior.  I liked how you penned this, but to give you another view I have enclosed possible edits for you to consider in ellipsis.  The staccato effect makes this stronger in message. Well done.

Three tours (in) Iraq

(he) did not crack

(he) sweat and fought

did not break

soul dies violent(ly)

as he reads (the) note

estranged wife

unborn child

he ties the noose

steps off the chair(kicks out chair)

changes (his) mind

claws at (the) rope

too late...(his doom)