Save a marriage of drugs and betrayal?

Question

I have been married for 15 years. We met in the military when he was married to his first wife. He ended up divorcing her to marry me. We had a child 1 year after marriage(he did not have children with the other woman). We have been through violence on my part, 2 affairs on his part,1 on mine, and years of counselling. In the last 5 years we tried to get it together, but he started staying up for days, losing weight and unable to keep jobs. In the last 2 years he has been fired from at least 7 jobs all 6 figures. I think he may be addicted to [censored] cocaine. Friends and family have suspected this and brought it to me. Aside from unexplained spending, and the hours in the bathroom which he attributes to hemmorroids, I have never caught him. I have confronted him, but he has never admitted to it. In July after being unemployed for 6 months, he announced that he was moving to NJ to work a 6 month contract with an ex-coworker. I was heartbroken. We tried to make things work long distance, but the phone calls were short and we usually argued. I got very insecure and started to monitor the cell phone bill that is in my name. I saw a telephone number that had been called at midnight for 2 hours. The same number came up again 5 more times for at least 30 minutes a day. I called the number and asked the woman to call me back to explain the nature of her relationship. She told me he told her he was getting a divorce. I was heartbroken. I confronted him with by texting him a picture of her from her myspace page asking him who she was. That was last Tuesday. That is the last time we talked. He emailed me on Friday that he has never even met the girl and that he wants to end our marriage because he feels there is no room for him when distrust occupies so much. He told me he was sorry for misleading me about having female friends, but does not want to talk to me and that we would just be able to communicate via email. What did I do wrong?

Then I find out that he lost his job on Wednesday. I thought to myself, he has got to be on drugs. He just lost another 6 figure job after only being there for less than 2 months.

I cut off his phone on Sunday because I am paying for it. He called me from a Sprint store yesterday asking me to give the clerk my passcode so that services could be restored. I told him that if he needs to contact me to not call me anymore and do it via email. It felt good to stand up to him. Which I have never done before. And I filed for child support and separation yesterday. I really don't want to do this, I still love him. But I cannot take suspecting he is on drugs or his lies anymore. I emailed him and told him I still love him but that the only way he could come back here was if he admitted himself into inpatient treatment. I got no response. Could this separation help him see the light?

Answer 1

No sweetie. This marriage started off in a bad way. If a man would leave his wife for another woman you have to question his moral compass. Next time try to look for the warning signs, they were there. He left his first wife for you, generally that is a pattern. On top of that with the drug issues. You are better off with someone who is truely a man.

Answer 2

Ok first of all, MAKE A SHORTER QUESTION! Im not wasting my time reading this long a$$ question. Its ridculous. Second of all, bye

-BABYKANDY oxoxoxoxoxox

Answer 3

girl you need to go on steve wilkos

Answer 4

I stopped reading your details when i saw this sentence

"He ended up divorcing her to marry me"

how could you marry someone who left his wife for somebody else? what goes around,comes around remember?

well if theres betrayel and drugs,that doesnt look like a marriage anymore.

dont waste your time saving it,or you wont be able to save YOURSELF.

Answer 5

I have been there.  In love with a complete liar and drug addict.  People that can lie that convincingly are con artists.  They can manipulate you for years and have you doubting yourself and your own eyes.  My ex stole from a sherriff's house and then passed a lie detector test and I APOLOGIZED to HIM, then the police found the stolen merchandise in a pawn store with his signature and his driver's license showing that he pawned it.  I know it will be hard and you are hurt but you will be better off without him.  He has a problem and will never get help until he is ready but you can not help him.  Stay strong for your child.  Good luck and God Bless you.

Answer 6

Since he has already been divorced once, this is not going to change him. If he is into drugs, chances are good that his drugs mean more to him than you do. I have found that fighting another woman is easy but fighting the mistress called drugs is impossible. I am sure he is into drugs and having affairs and lying to you. Your best bet is to divorce and move on.

Congratulations on standing up to him. You need to do that for yourself and your child. If you continue in a relationship with him the way things are, the child will grow up thinking it is ok to treat their partners like that.

Answer 7

Wow... I went through the same thing only there was no affairs.  I think a trial separation is your best bet.  You can also buy over the counter drug tests,  which he has to cooperate of course.  Confront him ,and if he says he's not taking drugs than prove it and hand him the test.  If he gets angry that a pretty good sign he's hiding something from you.  Also since he made the choice to leave for 6 month's makes me wonder if he is with this other girl, and he's trying to have a relationship with her and by giving it 6 month's he would know for sure which girl he wants you or her.  He's covering all bases.  I know it's hard but try to cut all communication with him.  Act as if you don't care, and he'll start freaking out because he'll think you know everything.  The more you talk about it, makes only you upset but he will have the opportunity to keep leading you along.  Good luck.  Dee

Answer 8

That's his choice. U went into a relationship with more fantasy "in love" then reality. There's nothing left that you can do except nothing which is the hardest part. You have to let go. If he does come back and check himself in, ect, ect, then a better understanding of each other and your inner selves will deepen even further. If he doesn't come back then you should still let it go.  

Answer 9

I think you both getting what you deserve, but I feel sorry for the kids.  They don't deserve you two.

Answer 10

No relationship that had affairs will ever work.  Both of you have done wrong, so both of you are to blame as to why you are separating.  Neither of you would cheat if you loved each other.  I think you should move on.  He sounds lame to me.

Answer 11

I am sorry to hear you are going through so much. I can give you a little advice from my own experience of being a recovering alcoholic and addict. Try to contact someone in Alanon. This group of anonomous people are very experienced in theses types of problems when it comes to substance abuse and relationships.

I am attaching a link and website for you to do a little research. It is cost free and these people most of whom are woman in my experience are not judgemental and will hopefully give you their experience, strength and hope to find a remedy.

http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meeti...

Answer 12

Maybe you're jumping the gun with the inpatient ultimatum.  You don't know for sure he's on drugs, if he is, you don't know if he's addicted, if he is addicted, you don't know that he wants to stop (no matter how much he loves you and his child).  I think the best course of action is for him to come home and for the two of you to talk to each other.  You can't end a 15 year marriage over e-mail.  If you're going to stay together, the pair of you should communicate clearly what you need from the other.  Counseling wouldn't hurt.

Answer 13

well..im so sorry dear but he's untrustable drug addict i don't think he's worth ur thoughts & i think such a person will never see the light until falling down or losing everything wait for him its so soon!

Answer 14

Oh, he sees the light quite well. Do you? You can't change him. Loving him isn't the issue. That's just the thing you have to see past to save your life and your children. It feels like a disaster right now. When you come out the other side, it will feel like an escape from a nightmare, and you will look back and wonder why it took you so long to act. And consider, that apart from you and the kids, there's no way for you to stay with him that's not just letting him avoid the consequences.  

Answer 15

I hate to say this, but i think your marriage isn't going to be able to be repaired.

you did nothing wrong.

except you said he divorced someone to marry you?

that sounds a bit sketchy.

So he denied having another lover but he lied about the drugs that family and friends suspect him to be on. So you can't be totally sure if he was being honest. and being paranoid that he's going to be with someone else is hard in a relationship. They don't work if theres no trust. BUT you have EVERY right to feel the way you do.

Answer 16

Marriage is a roller coaster, and it seems like yours has left the tracks.

Every marriage has problems, and you either work thru them or you leave.  You asked what you did wrong to make your husband act this way, nothing!   He is obviously addicted to drugs, there is nothing you did to cause this.  He is using the excuse of distrust to end your marriage, it sounds like he has allready moved on, he has moved and starting talking to some one else.  His drugs has probably became his priority.  

You are absolutley right in what you did, the actions you took might open his eyes, the ball is in his court now, all you can do is wait and see what he does.  

Just because you both made mistakes in the past, doesn't mean your future should keep going on the same path.  

Don't turn his phone back on, let him get a job and pay for his own phone.  

Remember you are doing what is right for you and your child.

Best of Luck...  

Answer 17

I am sorry for your situation.  I would not eve bother trying to take him back.  I think he is having an affair....isn't that how you two met?  I think that once someone has an affair, they are very likely to do it again.  It also sounds like his drug problem is way too deep.  You should just divorce him and move on.  Give your  child a healthy outlook on life by not putting up with his dishonest behavior.  I know it is hard because you still feel like you love him.  You deserve better.  He cannot love you, another woman and an addiction all at the same time (who knows what else he is doing? It sounds like he hides and lies about many things in his life).  Good Luck!

Answer 18

sorry to say this but no. you should not have to worry about him. if he divorced his wife in the first place to marry you, did it ever occur to you that he might do the same thing? you are better that that to be pushed around and lied to!! congrats on standing up to him!!! i am sorry to hear that things didn't work out between you guys, but one day you will find the RIGHT guy for you and your kid!!!

you should pray about it and ask God what he has in store for you and let him take over your life.

i will pray for you!!

God Bless

Answer 19

Even if he admits to being a drug addict and gets help, do you honestly think you can ever truly have a sable relationship with him?

You did your best to try and make it work but I think it's time to just let this relationship go.

Regardless of how you met, this relationship was poisonous from the start.

You admit that both of you are guilty infidelity. This probably won't change. He will probably continue to cheat on you, and you might do the same if only to "get back" at him.

It's not good for you, or your children.

At this point, your feelings for him are moot. You may still love him, but like the song says, some times love just ain't enough.

And to be honest, a separation probably won't phase him too much. Going straight for a divorce would be about the only thing you could do that might make him think.  

Answer 20

Wow. Send him to church.

I have to say, he sounds like a jerk. Seperation may be the best thing for you and him, not to mention your child. Do you want your child to have a father who's possibly using drugs, cant hold a job, and who's having affairs? Theres much better men out there hun, I'd say leave him. It'll take a while to get over him, but it'll probably be best for you. Sorry. =[

Answer 21

You're both trailer trash.

Answer 22

Your poor child went through all of this? Your child is 14 years old, correct? It's hard enough going through being a teenager and you put 3 affairs, drugs, and loss of several jobs? Both of you are at fault because marriage is not a one way street. You guys need to get your priorities straight FAST before you permantly damaged your child!

Answer 23

I doubt it. He has to hit bottom to begin to admit that he has a problem. You may have helped him see he has a problem but it will be up to him to take the drugs over losing you or the other way around. Eventually he will hit his bottom though.