Saw my mother this weekend and 2 days later an email telling me how disgusted she is because I gained weight

Question

My mother and I are not close at all, but I am 43, single mother of 3 kids and sister had a get-together for all my family (sister/husband, brother and wife and kids) and me and my kids. I have gained a lott of weight since last seeing them at Christmas, and it was okay, mom never usually talks to me anyway. But she did want to take a picture of my 4 year old daughter, and naturally my daughter came over to me and my mom says "No Abby, go stand next the dog so I can take your picture". Then 3 days later sent me an email about how disappointed she was that I wasn't taking care of myself (in plain words - disgusted that I put on weight - and then she proceeded to tell me what my faults are, one page long of them. I did nothing to provoke my mother, I actually try NOT to be in a room alone with her and she is the same to me, .

she'll tell me everything I've ever done wrong starting with probably not being a good baby and it just has progressed. I do not know why she does this I had always been skinny until my 3rd child I have gained an additional 100 lbs and trying to lose it. But is it her business to be putting me down? and why would I be picked out instead of my older sister and younger brother. She doesn't do this to them. what should I do about this? and don't tell me to sit down with her and have a long discussion - the woman won't even call my home EVER - unless it has been one of her binging nights, NEVER calls me if she is sober. She literally cannot talk to me when she is not drinking. Help

Answer 1

Delete the email, and don't ever read any other emails she sends you. Why give her the opportunity to do this to you?

She can't hurt you if you don't let her.

I agree there wouldn't be any point in trying to work anything out with her.

As much as possible, avoid her, avoid all contact. Encourage your sister to have smaller gatherings, some which you attend, others which she does.

You might consider counseling, so you can work through her ability to hurt you. If your horribleness doesn't bother you, then she would no longer be a problem to you.

Try to remind yourself that she's a heartless witch, and you shouldn't listen to her.

Answer 2

Come on. You know that what an alcoholic says is not relevant. This is not good for you. Please try to distance yourself from her-at least while you are going through these difficult times. Trying to lose weight is a killer even when one's mother is kind and loving. So start fresh and get yourself a program. Your mind needs to detach from mom since she is not at all therapeutic to you in fact she is a danger.

Answer 3

Block her out of your life until she gets her alchohol problem sorted.

It isnt easy being a single mother of 3 kids and to try and keep the weight down. I know, people dont seem to understand that. When she becomes sober tell her that . Tell her your trying your best to sort it out. And tell her she was abusing her body in a far worse way that you are by drinking that much.

Answer 4

This woman is toxic to you. Cut her off. Tell her not to contact you any more, and block her from your e-mail account. If one gets through, erase it without reading it. This is a kind of relationship you don't need.

If relatives insist on having her to gatherings you don't want to miss, simply say hello and move to the other side of the room. If she tries to start something, leave the room.

I'm sorry about this, hun. But we each have two chances at a good mother/child relationship. Concentrate on the second one. Good luck to you.

Answer 5

Could be she is concerned.I mean 100 lbs is a LOT hon.

Hwoever ,just work on losing it and when yo uhave lost it, then she cannotr say much.

Next call HER when she is sober and tell her what you think of HER as a drunk mother, and say"I got my criticizing skills from my mother, she taught me well".

Answer 6

Your mother sound a lot like my great grandmother   I loved her and everything but it was like no matter what we did it wasn't enough.  She had her obvious favorites of her children and grand children and so on and we all seemed to compete for her praise from an early age.  We all knew she wasn't really a happy woman.  She got married young and gave up everything she ever wanted for herself for my great grandfather who in return, cheated on her and talked down to her on pretty much a daily basis.  I always felt like her treatment of us was our fault, but as I got older I realized that she was just angry and for whatever reason she felt like taking it out on us was a good way to handle it.  

I never talked to my grandmother about how much she hurt me or my mother or all the other people in my family, because I knew she would just blow me off and tell me i was being too sensitive.  So i just let her be.  Took all her catty comments with a grain of salt and remembered that no matter what she thought about me that I was doing something with my life and should be proud of what I had accomplished.  I think you should do the same.

Answer 7

Sounds like your mom has her own difficulties. She shows no interest in your life on a daily basis so why let her words inflict you with such harm. Maybe you get so hurt because you long for a relationship with your mother they way your siblings have. I am 35 yrs old and the black sheep of my family. I longed for a relationship with my mother but have accepted that the hurt she causes me is actually her own hurt being directed toward me (the person with the softest heart). She attacks you because she can. Try standing up to her in a "tough love" fashion once. (what the worst that can happen she won't talk to you) I finally stood up to my mother a year ago and things changed a bit. We don't have the relationship I long for but she doesn't put me down anymore.  

Answer 8

Ok, it sounds like talking is not an option, which is the obvious suggestion. In which case, is she really worth getting upset about? Is the problem not hers rather than yours? You are the one who has a family whom you clearly love and love you. What do you want to achieve? If it is some kind of reconciliation, won't you have to talk to her? If it is simply to have your say and point out her faults, why not resort to e-mail like her? However, would that be lowering yourself to her standards?

It is none of her business about your weight - you are an adult. Particularly, if she has not been previously supportive.

I think that the best advice I can give is to concentrate on you and your children and be happy.

I hope that helps. Good luck