School Project for my daughter?

Question

As some of you may know (from other questions and my profile) I am adopting my cousin. Last week, she was givin a project in school to do a family tree, complete with a picture and a descriptive sentance about each family mamber. Well, here is the pickle. She wants to do a "new family" family tree with the way she would be related to family mambers now that she is my daughter, not my cousin. This would make her dad her uncle, her sister her 2nd cousin, grandma would be great grandma, and so forth. Further more, her bio moms side of the family would no longer exist (her dad is my mom's brother). This is all very confusing, but I am happy and willing to help. The problem is, well actually there are two. First, her teacher wants her bio family tree and she wont do it. She says this is her family now and wants nothing to do with who she used to be. Also, there are no pictures of her bio mom available, and pictures of her dad are not allowed (not by me, by the system).

Answer 1

OK i would call the teacher and tell her you have know pics of those u mentioned so she dont get marked down any good teacher will understand for sure so call her and let her boast about her NEW FAMILY CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

This teacher is horrendously insensitive and inappropriate & I wouldn't hesitate to talk to the teacher about it (I'd not come across confrontationally but I'd be willing to stick to my guns on this one!).

There are lots of alternative assignments available for the potentially painful or touchy assignments that are given to kids.  For this particular assignment, I'd schedule a conference with the teacher.  I'd do research on alternative assignments & bring in a whole sheaf of papers to leave with the teacher on WHY these assignments can be hurtful or tricky for adopted and foster kids...and WHAT the teacher can do to help these kids.  I'd go in and let the teacher know that my child wouldn't do the assignment as it was given & that my alternative would be for my daughter to do the assignment based on her family NOW.  If the teacher is unwilling to make accommodations, I'd let her know that my child won't be doing the assignment at all and that in order to fully protect my child that I'd be keeping her home on the day that the assignments are turned in and/or presented before the class.

If she's unbending, I'd also go straight to the principal with the information (what I'd done to try to work with the teacher, the information on alternative assignments and the teacher's insensitive and unbending attitude).  I'd ask the principal to advocate for me with the teacher.  If the principal refused to help, I'd take it to the school administration building and/or the school board (with documentation of how things were handled with and by the teacher and principal) and ask that they do something to advocate for my child.  If they're unbending, then I'd go to my state...the representatives, the governor, whoever would listen!

There is NOTHING I wouldn't do to advocate for one of my children -- biological, adopted or foster!  I don't care whose dead body I have to climb over if they're not helping me protect and care for my child.

Something that a few teachers, principals and others in the schools fail to recognize is the fact that they WORK FOR US.  We write their paycheck every time we pay a sales tax or property tax.  We delegate the teaching of OUR children to them but they don't own the children and cannot force their will on us.  We enlist their help & when they cease to be helpful, we need to do whatever it takes to advocate for our children.

This teacher is plain wrong!  Call a conference!

<off my soapbox>

Answer 3

tell her teacher that this is a fact of adoption, and that lying about it would be teaching the child to lie. She needs to be honest about her family tree it is what it is, you can't change DNA. To get a lower grade because she doesn't have pictures of her biological family is just wrong!! totally WRONG. and for anyone to dare suggest for her to lie ( even if she wants to, at which point she needs to be re-directed to the truth ) shouldn't be a teacher for any reason. We are here to teach our kids the truth no matter how hard it may be. the truth is the way.

may I remind the above outraged adopters that a tree, represents who and where we COME FROM. Its the tree to our roots, our history, our ancestors. NOT adoption. Now if she wants to include her adoptive parents in the tree she can because that is a part of her history now, but she doesn't come from the adopters, she comes from her first parents.

Answer 4

Let her do her new family tree, if that is what she wants, it might be a way of her own to move foreward

Answer 5

What would that teacher do if say, your daughter had been adopted by you at birth?

Or your daughter was abandoned at birth and adopted at 15 months old or so?  

Your situation is slightly unique in that you are related to her biologically, however, your daughter's teacher NEEDS to let your daughter do the family tree whatever way your daughter feels the most comfortable.  Discriminating in this way is wrong, even if the teacher doesn't see it that way.  If the teacher will not let your daughter do the family tree the way she wants, you probably should go to the principal and explain the situation that you are in.

Good luck.  This makes me angry, because MY daughter will not be able to do a family on her biological family because she will be abandoned (we haven't adopted yet) so there will be no way to track down her biological family.

Answer 6

The only thing that makes it confusing in this situation, is that she's actually related to you.  It seems she wants to make believe that she's your actual daughter.  Which is great, but I'm not sure how good that is for her. I mean I don't know if it's good for her to be in denial about who she really is.  Of course, she's very traumatized about what's happened to her, and she probably wants to forget who her real father is.

It's really hard to answer this question.

I guess in the end, what it comes down to is that this is just a school project.  If she feels more comfortable making up a story than telling the truth, then maybe you should let her.  And as long as she does it right, then the teacher has no right to tell her which her real family is.  If a child that has been abused doesn't feel comfortable enough to open up, she shouldn't be forced to do it by any teacher.  Counseling may help her do that when she's ready.  

So I guess to answer your question, now that I thought about it, let her do it the way she wants to.  Of course I'm not an expert in child psychology, but this is what feels right to me right now.

Talk to the teacher, and explain to her that this is a special case.  And you don't want to force the girl into talking or writing about anything she's not comfortable with.

PS I agree with Ayla about placing her sister as her sister.  I think she would probably like to keep seeing her that way, even though they're adopted by different people.  

I hope this helps...

Answer 7

The teacher should be willing to work with this. If not, then the principal should be contacted as there is no reason to force this kind of project on a child if it makes her that uncomfortable. The teacher should be flexible. How dare the teacher not be!!

Answer 8

Let your child do the project the way that means the most to her and makes sense to her. THAT is the most important thing here.

Regarding the teacher, go privately (not when your child is there or her classmates see you) and discuss what is appropriate for your daughter (or any foster child or child who came home through adoption).  She is seriously misguided.  She needs to know that families are made in all kinds of ways -- not just one way.  And your daughter needs to feel good about herself and her family.  Isn't that the goal of the project?  This teacher CANNOT make her do the project HER way.  Period!

Answer 9

Do the tree as the new family!  The teacher cannot give her lower grades simply because she didn't do her bio-family.  That is ridiculous.  I would definitely report the teacher to the administration.  When an adoption is finalized - it is just as if the child was born to you.  You could also try explaining the situation to the teacher - perhaps she thinks your daughter isn't telling the truth for some reason.  If you explained it, perhaps she would change her mind.  

However, I also wanted to share another way to incorporate both families into the family tree.  When we did my son's family tree, we drew a tree but we also drew "roots" of the tree.  We put his bio family info in the "roots" of the tree, and the adoptive family info in the branches of the tree.  We did this because our son's bio-grandparents are still very much a part of his life.  This way we can show the importance of both families - without the roots of a tree, we wouldn't have a tree - the same is true about our family and the importance of the birthfamily.  Just a thought for you - it might make everyone happy!  :)

Good luck.  Please email me and let me know how the project turns out.  I'm very curious.

Answer 10

The general rule of thumb on this is to let the child do what feels most comfortable to them.  The teacher should NOT force any child to do a bio family tree and should be open to modifications.  The teacher's attitude puts children like your daughter who don't have complete information or photos in an awkward position.  An idea you could suggest to your daughter is to do branches of the tree with her adoptive family the way she wants to and also have roots going down that represent her biological family.  

If your daughter's teacher really lowers her grade for doing the adoptive tree instead of bio or for missing bio pictures if she does the bio family tree, you should ABSOLUTELY complain up the chain of command until this does not affect your daughter's grade.  I am outraged as both an adoptive parent and as a teacher.  Teachers should always be willing to make modifications to assignments for students who have circumstances that prevent them from being able to complete them as originally assigned.  That is part of the job.

Answer 11

I find it slightly inconsiderate of the teacher to not be understanding of your daughter's feelings.  I think that as long as the project is completed there should be problem with of whom the tree is of.  Like another said what if she had been adopted at birth?  What difference does it make to the teacher whether the tree is of her bio family or her new family?  I think this teacher is crossing the line just a bit.  If the teacher demands she do it with her bio family, then I would go to the Principal with this matter.  There is no reason to make this transition for her harder than it already is.

Good Luck and Congrats on your new wonderful addition, I know you will be a terrific mom to her.  Kudos to you!!

Answer 12

Do the new tree. Tell the teacher your situation, if she still insists on the "other" tree, go to the principle. Your daughter is proud to be apart of her new family, and for you being her mom. This is her way of showing it, so let her. If she gets a lower grade so be it. Hang the new tree somewhere prominant in the house so she knows that you thought the tree was wonderful. I was adopted at 3 and would never put my "birth" parents on a family tree. They are not apart of it at all, although I do consider my brothers from them my brothers. Also I might suggest her sister actually being placed as her sister. I can see her not wanting any of the other in the tree, but I would ask her about this one.In this day and age family structure is so different, which is why the teacher should work with you. Good Luck and congrats on being a good parent.

Answer 13

Have her do both. It is not going to be more work. First, make the tree that you are going to use but leave out the names. Then make a copy of the tree at Kinko's or some other copy center. Make several copies just in case she makes mistakes. THEN fill in the information. First make the bio tree. Then make her 'changed' tree. Submit both and explain in some text for the 'changed tree' that 'Adoption changed my family tree.'

Answer 14

I think you need to speak to the teacher and let her know about the adoption situation. Explain to her that you are her family just like any other child that was adopted at birth. They don't even usually know their birth parents. What would she do about that. I think if you explain to the teacher she wont have a problem letting your daughter do a tree on her new family. If there still is a problem then I would take it to the Principal.

Answer 15

I also am an adoptive mother and agree 100% with N L I would be outragged and what let her do it the way she wants to and if the teacher does not like it go to the pricnipal

Answer 16

I'm also an adoptive parent, and would be outraged if a teacher insisted that my children did a tree based on their biological parents!  The teacher needs some educating in the sensitivity department!  Let her do the tree the way she wants.  Give the teacher a heads up about how she WILL be doing the tree.  If she has a problem with it, talk to the principal.  Where pictures aren't available, perhaps she could draw a small picture of that person.  And if she gets a low grade due to the teachers ignorance, go to the school board - and higher if necessary.

Answer 17

i think you should just let her do the family tree the way she wants to do it and take the lower grade for no pictures.

Answer 18

I would sit down and speak with the teacher and the principal or school counselor.  It is unfair to ask a child to do a family tree if she does NOT feel comfortable with her old family.  Now, if you want to find  a middle ground and are otherwise comfortable with certain family members (her sister for example), see if she's will to keep her biological links in the tree.  If not, then yes, I would speak with a person of authority.

Answer 19

You adopted her, she is yours.So her family bio would be yours and not any other way if!!No one needs to know that she was adopted all they need to know is they she is your daughter no if ands or butts about it the teacher has no right to request that she make one from pre-adoption expertly if she doesn't want to ,if the teacher can not understand that after talking to her then report her you family business is your own not the teachers to say ,Best of luck and stick to your guns stand up for what your daughter is wanting!!!!

Answer 20

Have you talked to the teacher yourself?  If not, that is where I would start.  Hopefully the teacher will be more understanding if you give her more information.  IF the teacher insists on the bio family tree, I would explain that there are not pictures avaliable and that it wouldn't be fair to give her a lower grade for that.  If the teacher is still being difficult, talk to the principal.  This is probably a new situation for everybody and some understanding from the school is in order here.  I am not really a big fan of these types of projects because they can really make adopted children and foster children stand out.