(Screams of frustration) How Can I Encourage Her To Shut Up About Herself?

Question

I love my mother, she is driving me and my other siblings crazy. I don't think it's a recent thing, but only that recently it's bothered me because they are noticing the problem and also because I'm healthy enough now.

When I talk to my mother on the phone I want to be able to have a normal conversation with her. I'm 32, she is 69. When she asks how my day was, I want to be able to tell her instead of her listening to the first part of my sentence and then interrupting with how her day was and the day before she did this, that, etc. until she drones on and I want to be off the phone. I want to be close to her, and in some ways I am.

I want better than this. She has no health concerns that could cause this, she's not 'lonely' or alone even though retired her and my father are active and busy. She just seems to love to talk about herself, and if I listen until she runs down (11 minutes if I talk to her every day and 30 to 40 if I limit the calls to twice a week) then she suddenly has to go!! So please, don't tell me just let her run down - she can phone 5 or 6 people in a night and have the same conversation (from her end) with all of them.

Any ideas to derail her and have a conversation rather than a monologue? Or should I just do with my siblings do and avoid her as much as possible?

Answer 1

First of all, get an answering machine. There's no need to listen to her yack about herself four times a night, when she has a husband in the same house with her. You deserve your own time, and she's got you jumping every time the phone rings. Let her leave a message.

Next, be honest with her. Tell her you'd like to share what's going on in your life, but you feel as if she never gives you the opportunity. Arrange to take turns, and if you have to, bribe her. Tell her if she's willing to do that, you'll answer the phone when she calls.

If she agrees (and that may be a big "if"), remind her of the agreement the next time you talk. The risk you're taking here is that she may feel hurt, and stop talking to you altogether for a while. But at some point, you're going to have to be straight with her. Otherwise, you'll keep stewing, and she'll keep monopolizing. Up to you.

Answer 2

Tell her what your telling us here. It takes courage, but do you expect a good relationship to be easy? If she responds negatively and you are sure she cannot at least acknowledge how you feel, then yes, avoid her.

Be sure to tell her why you are avoiding her if you end up doing so, and not in hurtful way. In an informative way.

Answer 3

Well try to talk to her.

Answer 4

Be patient is all. Older people need to talk a lot in order for them to feel secure that their concerns are understood before you can get a word in. Let her do her thing than ask a question that directs her into a area you or topic you want to talk about.  

Answer 5

Unfortunately, it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks.  I try to mentally prepare before a phone call with mother or sister and keep calls to a minimum.  Does Mom use a computer?  I've found email makes a world of difference in these scenarios.

Answer 6

Actually, you have already answered your question!

The screams of frustration really work for me. I like to find a quiet place and bellow to the heavens... kind of like a wild raging animal, perhaps a badger... a wounded one at that.

Answer 7

Either shes self centered or you are.  Maybe she just wants to share with you and have your attention and input.  If it bothers you that much, talk to her about it and tell her how you feel.  You might think shes got lots of friends and attention but maybe she doesnt.  Ask her if she cares about whats going on with you.