Second wedding as big as the first - bad etiquette?

Question

A friend of mine is getting remarried next month and is going all-out, expensive destination wedding/reception, then another sit-down dinner reception here in town. She's registered for everything from washcloths to home decor and even a kitchenaide mixer!

She was married before for 10 years and also has a son, and has been living with her fiance for a year. This huge wedding strikes me as tacky - what do you think?

Answer 1

Nothing wrong with it. A wedding is a wedding.  If she has the money, who are you to judge?  If the couple were remarrying, then it would be sortof dumb, but again, it's their wedding.  If you are bothered by this, attend the wedding, skip the reception and just give her a card.

Answer 2

Yeah, that's tacky.  Especially the registering for gifts.  I'm sorry, but I don't agree with it.  The tradition of giving gifts originates from way back when people got married straight out of their parents home, basically.  They didn't have anything, so that's why people gave them the basics:  toaster, blender, silver ware, pots, pans, etc.

Nowadays, people shack up for years and then expect to get gifts when they already have so much c**p!

Answer 3

Even a household that's been established for a while still needs new stuff. I could use a stainless steel colored Kitchenaide mixer, if anyone's interested.

Just because she registered for it doesn't mean you have to buy it, though.

For my second wedding, I specifically asked for no gifts, and we only invited maybe 20 people. We still got a little tiny lamp from one aunt, a picture frame from K-mart from a different aunt [both in good taste, and I use them] and enough money to afford a really nice honeymoon for a week in Key West.

Answer 4

It is sort of.  I guess it's all a personal preference.  I would have a small informal one if it was me but everyone is so different.  Maybe her fiance is the one who want all this, you never know!!

Answer 5

It may be her second marriage...but its their first wedding together.  That deserves a celebration.

Answer 6

As long as I am not paying for that bill, it isn't my business.

Answer 7

Seems a bit much to me, but hey, if she could afford it and it is what she wants, its up to her.  As for gifts, she can register all she wants...it is up to the guest to decide which items to purchase or not...so whether she gets piles of washclothes or her mixer, it is up to the generosity of her guests.

Answer 8

I am with you on this one, and I have a feeling my answer will be getting some thumbs-down ratings!  Based on your brief description of this wedding, it does seem a little presumptious to register for home decor and expensive gifts.  I think that when you're having a second wedding, it should be ALL about the celebration of love and not about the expectation of gifts.  

I am getting married in a couple months, and my fiance and I struggled with the registry situation too.  (And it's a first--hopefully ONLY--wedding for each of us.)  We are in our late 20's, already live together in a house we own, and we are settled with good jobs.  We ended up doing an independent registry and asking for things like: framed photographs of our friends and family, a collection of their favorite recipes, a volunteer to make a scrapbook of our wedding, etc.  

People DO like to give gifts at a wedding, but this way, they could actually be meaningful (not just, "Spend money on us because we're getting married!")

Answer 9

I was married once before. This will be my fiancee's first (and hopefully both of our last time! lol)

My first wedding was thrown together very quickly and I spent $500 altogether on it (the biggest expenses were the marriage license and the invites) It was very nice at the time... but we always intended on having a vow renewal either 5 or 10 years down the road and having a big party/reception then, but he left me after 2 1/2 years (together for 3 1/2 years total) So that went out the window, lol...

This time around, I've got a budget of about $5000-5500. I want a dress (didn't have one first time around) and an actual dinner and a dj and all the bells and whistles that normally come with a reception (had hors d'oevers and cake and used a 5 disc changer first time around... etc...) didn't get a shower or bachelorette party or anything (not that I thought I *deserved* one or anything like that... I was looking forward to the prospect, though!)

Now I know that this wedding will still be small in comparison to other people's weddings, but I don't feel like just because I've been married before that my 2nd one shouldn't be celebrated in the same manner (or better, in my case)

Every love story deserves to be celebrated! If she's not going into serious debt doing this, then let your friend have her big celebration(s)!!! Also, why is it any concern of yours that she's registered for all kinds of household stuff? After 10+ years, she can't get new stuff?! I've been divorced for 11 years and my fiancee and I have been living together for almost 3 years (will be 4 years by the time the wedding rolls around) and I'm registering for new pots and pans and towels and sheets and such as well... yes, I don't need them NOW, but by the time the wedding rolls around, the stuff we have will probably be worn out.

I think you should be a little less judgmental... unless you have SERIOUS reservations about her marrying her fiancee at all (like, if you know he's a dirtball and is cheating on her, for instance) then tell her.... otherwise let her be happy and have her day, whether you agree with the "excess" or not...

Answer 10

I personally feel a second marriage should be downplayed a bit....to pretend one is a first time blushing bride is a bit too much.....

...but that's what a lot of people do now adays...

The gift registration is a bit much, tho......that is for gals who are setting up a home for the first time......a small personal gift to the second time bride is fine, outfitting an entire home...uh-uh.....no way. Especially since she's already playing house with her fiance.

Answer 11

I don't see a problem with the huge wedding. Maybe she didn't have the wedding she wanted the first time around? Maybe she sees it as starting fresh and wants a wedding to symbolize that for them.

The only thing I'm not sure about is the fact that she's registered. I'm assuming she's at least in her mid 30s, with a kid, so she probably should have made the 'no gifts' rule.

Answer 12

I just think that's sad.

I've been to one second wedding, and will attend another in August.

The first one - they did a ceremony in their backyard, then a homemade turkey dinner, about 40 guests.

The one I'm going to in a few weeks - ceremony in church, then a lunch for about 60.

No registries... people know to keep things low-key, and just have family and very close friends.

Answer 13

As a friend, you should be more concerned with her happiness, and not about the decision of a big 2nd wedding!!!

I was married before...young and to the biggest cheapskate who decided we would pay for the wedding ourselves at the age of 21, and I was not able to have the wedding I always dreamed of. You better believe that if I marry again, I will not chintz out if my future hubby wants a big/nice wedding and we have the means to do so. It would be our choice and our choice alone that matters, though the love and support of friends is always a nice thing.

It's about individual choice, happiness, and love, so support your friend rather than judge. What if the shoe were on the other foot? Would you appreciate the negative feelings your friend would have? Would you appreciate her posting your decision to celebrate your nuptuals on the world wide web, calling your decision to express your love and committing to each other eternally tacky?!?  

New items to start a new married life together are always nice, no matter if they have lived together for a year or not. Wash cloths are not expensive, so you can opt for something like that if cost is an issue, or if it's the "principle" of the matter, how about a nice picture frame to decorate their already shacked up home so they can put a legitimate pic of them in wedded bliss? Or you can be tacky and not get them a gift at all, what do you think?

Answer 14

My second wedding was bigger than my first...it was my husband's first wedding.  I didn't have a huge wedding the first time and had been divorced for 8 years.  

Is it wrong that she wants another big wedding, nope, if her and her husband to be are paying for it, then who cares.

Answer 15

Was her first wedding big?  Some brides feel "cheated" if, for whatever reason, they could not/would not have big first weddings.  For others, this is the sign that they're getting a fresh start on life... and they want to have a big party to celebrate. Also, don't forget the groom! If this is his first marriage, maybe he (or his family) wants a big party.

I think that perhaps the registry is a little bit over the top, if she's truly settled in an "adult" life and has been so for a while.  (However, if she was young when she first got married, she may have not had the opportunity to acquire the nice things you get when you get married... and everyone desrves a nice set of wedding cookware, a stand mixer, and nice linens!)

But the rest... well... some people like to party!

Answer 16

typical tackiness of today....completely inappropriate, suppose she will wear white to round it all out.... maybe even be pregnant ? no surprises anymore in our society's current condition..... get her some Wal Mart dish rags and you are good to go....

Answer 17

It's poor etiquette for a guest to scrutinize the cost of an event and the financial situation of the hosts.

I have also never seen a gift registry criticized for including very INexpensive things (like washcloths).  Usually it's just the opposite -- too many pricey items.  

Tell your friend exactly what you told us.  That way, she won't put you in the awkward situation of having to decline the invitation to her "tacky" event.

Answer 18

She wants to celebrate their love. If you don't like it, don't go. It's her life, not yours.

Answer 19

I had a big wedding on my second marriage but my first was only a court house thing bc I was young and dumb.  We just didn't register for expensive things and to me washcloths don't sound expensive.   I don't see how having a wedding again is tacky.  A wedding is a celebration of love and if your friend found love good for her.  The only way I think it would be tacky is if they were expecting things to be paid for for them.  If it bothers you, don't go.  I say congrats to your friend.

Answer 20

I like all of the answers so far and just want to add that maybe this wedding is special to her.  so she wants it that big.  it's not tacky at all.

Answer 21

She should have whatever she wants.  I wouldn't do it, but that's her perogative.  If you don't like it, then don't go.

Answer 22

I feel sorry for your friend, because for a friend, you're being very judgemental.

My second wedding was bigger than my first and I don't care who disagreed with it.  My new husband had never been married.  The fact that I made a mistake when I was younger means that he should be deprived of that experience?  No.  He got all excited and planned most of the wedding and it was just beautiful.  I would have been upset to know that anyone criticized me b/c I'd been married before.  The divorce was a painful recognition of the fact that I had made such a huge mistake in choosing someone to be my partner for life.  Now, it's got to haunt me and my future husband forever?

If you can't support your friend in her life, then you shouldn't be her friend.

Answer 23

i also think it is tacky, it is fine to have a wedding.. but registering for all new household items seems greedy... jmho

Answer 24

It is her perogative to have as big a blowout as she wants. After all I am sure she hopes this one will work out forever.

However there is no obligation on the part of her guests to attend her expensive destination wedding or to buy an expensive gift off her registry.

The only really tacky things would be a bridal shower -- unless some coworkers decided to throw her one -- several bridesmaids at the ceremony (I am guessing with the destination wedding there will only be one) or wearing a veil.

Other than that -- as long as they can afford it (and it is not our business whether or not they can but I am guessing if her parents paid for the first one that the couple or groom is paying for this one) it's really whatever. :-)

Answer 25

Eh, it wouldn't bother me at all. Maybe she's happier with this guy, and she's going all out for that reason? The only time I hate weddings is when I truly don't believe that the couple getting married belongs together (i.e. I know there's cheating going on, one's too controlling, etc.). Other than that, if they're happy, you should be happy.

As far as the registry goes, just go with it. People get too hot and bothered by registries for second weddings, and I see it as a courtesy to guests. Guests at weddings WANT to bring gifts and having a registry makes it easier for them to do that. NOT having one would be tacky because it would put guests in a difficult situation because then they would wonder if cash was expected as a gift. So what if she registered for wash clothes. At least it's not a $200 place setting. Just get her a few of the inexpensive things if you don't approve (or nothing at all), and I'm pretty sure she'd be okay with that as long as you went to the wedding.

Personally, if I were getting married for a second time, I would register for a bunch of small things and have a very small, tasteful ceremony and reception. But if this is what she wants, go with it.