Seniors, what would you do if you walked up on some one who was talking about you behind your back?

Question

I gained about 35 pounds due to medications for my arthritis, I was already maybe 10 or 15 pounds over weight before I gained this awful amount of weight. I overheard someone I thought was a friend call me a beached wale. I quietly slipped back into my apt. so she didn't know I heard her. This hurts me so much I can't explain. I don't know weather to say anything or just let it be?

Answer 1

Opal - Ouch - am so sorry that loud mouth did not see you.  And for the record she is no friend of yours.   I know she hurt your feelings and I am truly sorry, but if that had been me - I would have tapped her on the shoulder and said "the next time you want to gossip about me - please do it to my face"!  No matter how much you weigh, you do not deserve that kind of treatment!  Remember, what goes around, comes around.     Also Kudos to Gladys - that lady always has the right answers!    Have a hug and a star!                     CJ

Answer 2

For starters that ''friend'' would no longer be my friend. A true friend will not talk like that behind your back, they will take up for you.

I have indeed heard folks taking about me behind my back. When it has happened to me, I just walk on up to them, if it was something that has hurt my feelings, I let them know that they have hurt my feelings and then I walk away.

That was a very rude thing to say about someone. I my self have gained weight in the last few years and I am not happy with myself at all because of it. But I still try to go on with my life the best that I can. It is what is on the inside in your heart that counts and not what people see.

Answer 3

OMG, how awful for you. Well you know her now! Just go on and pretend you didn't hear her but let your friendship cool toward her. Not all at once of course. Please stop worrying about your weight, a lot of seniors have the same problem including me. Our metabolisem slows down and our weight goes up. She is not a friend and the sooner you move on the better you will be. Have a star.  Poppy

Answer 4

Opal, I once heard a good saying and it went like this, "It is none of my business what someone else says about me".  I thought this was so great, because I use to worry about what people said or would think, but not anymore. I hope this helps you some.

Answer 5

I would have just walked right up there and said "Hi" and I would have loved to see the expression on her face! Since you walked away she doesn't even know you overheard her talking about you like that. So maybe the next time you can do this. You shouldn't have to be talked about.  

Answer 6

Hello,  Have a cup of coffee together, tell her you overheard what she said and it hurt your feelings, maybe it was a slip of the tongue as most of us sometimes do. At least give her the chance to explain. Then the decision is yours to have her as a "friend" or just an acquaintance. Good luck I'm sure your decision will be the right one for you.  

Answer 7

Now you know that she is not someone to be trusted. Many of us are not as slim and trim as we would like to be, as we age, problems develop and figures just don't look so great. Character counts no matter what your weight. At 72, she hasn't learned a lot about being a friend.

Answer 8

Opal, I wish you had told her you were on the endangered species list. Something she will never have to worry about as the world has plenty of cows.  

Answer 9

What I would do.. is not what I necessarily think you should do, but I am somewhat outspoken, and I tend to like to get my point across...

the next time I was having a conversation with this person, I would be humble and make a comment using the same words and terms that they used very pointedly, letting them know that I had overheard them...

I hate to keep things inside and stew over it.. much better out in the air.. if she has a conscious, she will repent..  we are all victims of society's exectations to some extent. Usually it is someones own feeling of insecurity that causes them to point out another's weakness, in order to "one-up" themselves.

Answer 10

You know I am 78 and if I had been you, I would have laughed out loud while approaching her & say, I couldn't help but hear that & you are so right. But why are you gossiping about me ?

Don't find fault with her because she found fault with you.

That's childish. Two wrongs don't make a right.

If I said anything to her now,it would be that I heard it & I do not appreciate her gossiping about me. Please don't continue.

" I would not tell her that she hurt me" ~~~ Good luck to you.

Answer 11

"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names"

   --John F. Kennedy

Answer 12

I would go up to them and say, you said what?

Answer 13

I'd tell her "You deserve to have your face slapped!  If I wasn't such a lady, that is just what I'd do!"  And then walk away from her.  

She's definitely not a friend.  Don't bother with her.

Answer 14

I think that's terrible what she said! One thing is for sure and I agree with Dora on this too....you no longer have to trust her about anything. It's sad, but true. At least you know that. Since I don't know you I can't really speak for you, but if it happened to me, I would face her and tell her the whole story and how it made me feel. It would make me feel better and let her "guilt" take over if she has any. But I still wouldn't trust her.

Answer 15

Yes, this has happened to me.  I walked up and said hello.  It was fun to watch her squirm.  Eventually, she came to me and apologized for her behavior.  

Answer 16

   5 years ago I only weighed 88 lbs  I was miserable, it even hurt to lay down, My glasses would fall off and so would my wedding band, And now I have this cushion that protects  me,

   Your X friend is the one with the problem she has a lot of weight to carry around, Her big mouth

    If she talks about you behind your back she also does her other friends,

  If she was concerned about you and your extra weight for health reasons  , she should of discuss this with you privately  I would leave the   back stabber      alone

Answer 17

I generally throw in a witty little comment on my own, letting them know that I'm here and I'm aware of what they're talking about. This throws the guilt on them.

Answer 18

Opal,

I am so sorry.  This is such a cruel thing.  You go outside and hold your head high.  That is not a friend.  A friend would not do something like that.  You are who you are and not the outside.  many of us fight battles with weight for exactly the same reasons you are mentioning.  i wish I was there.  I always turn the other cheek, but it does get old sometimes.  Hold your head high and know you are a beauty!!! be strong    

Answer 19

Opal I live in a Senior Apt. Building and there are a lot of people like the lady you mentioned living here. I am so sorry you had your feelings hurt.Wash your hands of her.  I would guess that she feels better about herself if she is putting you down. She probably talks about everybody. Consider the source and speak as little as possible to her. I am sure that other people know her for the person she is.

Answer 20

Opal, that is a shame, but sometimes it takes something like this to let you know who you're friends are.  I had a friend who made fun of a mutual friend's loss of hair as she went through chemo treatments.  I just looked at her and said that she had more dignity in one strand of hair than she does in her whole body and walked away.  We never speak anymore and that is just fine with me.  

The person not only showed her true colors to you, but to the person she was talking to.  I would let her know that you over-heard her mean comment and that in the future if she has anything negative to say about you, that she should say it to your face before speaking behind your back.  She'll squirm, but it probably won't happen again.  Keep your chin up Opal, you're a much better person than she'll ever even dream of being!

Answer 21

I wouldn't give her the time of day. And if she asks you what your problem is I'd just come right out and tell her that you heard what she said.

Answer 22

It hurts but at our age(Im 82) you shouldnt let it worry you.Just enjoy to the best of your ability the time left.There are still a lot of good people around who see the person inside the body.

Answer 23

Opal, I'm so sorry...hearing that had to hurt deeply. But the fact of the matter is that you couldn't accept that kind of remark from her no matter WHO she was talking about. It shows she has a true lack of compassion for others and  simply isn't someone you would want to call a friend.



Please know that many of us are in that same boat concerning weight issues and understand the frustration. You're in GOOD company!

And yes, I agree with the others here...make sure she knows that you overheard her comment in whatever way you're most comfortable with.

Move on and be happy in yourself knowing that you're a kinder, better person...and worthy of TRUE friendship.

Answer 24

You should pretend you never heard it.  Yes, it hurts, but it something you have little control over (as if most of us do?) and it seems that she also has little control...over her mouth!

As the old wartime saying goes... loose lips sink ships. She's got a diarrhea of the mouth problem.

Have a Senior day.

Answer 25

I am so sorry, that does hurt alot.  I know how you feel, I also gained weight from medication and I hate it.  I think that you should say something.  I would not consider her to be a good friend, just someone that you know, because a good friend would never say that!  Maybe you should feel sorry for her, she must be miserable with her own life.  That is how I view people that gossip about me.

Answer 26

If it was me I'd tell her I overheard her comment and that it hurt my feelings terribly.  Then, just leave it at that.  She needs to know that her gossiping hurts others.

It won't necessarily stop her gossiping, but it will embarrass her, as it should.  

Answer 27

oh opal , that's a very sad thing that person did to you . i would feel hurt too . the best thing is to just realize that person probably talks about EVERYONE behind they're backs . gaining weight makes you no less a person than a skinny one . its whats inside !

its your so called friends loss as you probably are a very good friend .

i will be your friend , lol .

take care . d.

Answer 28

I used to be like you but decided that no one gets to go unpunished and why should I be the one stressed out by other folks I've been good to.  No, I'd have walked right up to them and said, "so, you're talking about me again.  What is it you need to know or have to say?"  If they have the guts to admit to what they said and face me, I'd take them into a discussion about why I gained this weight, that I certainly didn't want to and if I had my way I'd be slender and spry, explain that I'm doing what I can to control and lose weight but it's not easy; a little help and understanding from my friends would go a long way to help too.  I wouldn't say it in a hostile or heated way but if they get offended, you have to consider whether they truly are friends.  Clear the air and if anyone goes home feeling guilty or bad, it should be them for talking behind your back, not you.  Stress only adds to the problem so avoid it whenever possible; and friends don't back stab friends.

Answer 29

Unfortunately, this just tells you what kind of a person she is. Real friends are far and few between, as are "perfect people". I am sure she probably has something negative to say about everyone so I would not take to heart what she said.  Next time you see her I would tell her you heard her labeling you as a beached whale. IF you just ignore it, she will feel free to continue name calling.

Answer 30

Opal, your 'friend'  was showing extreme poor manners, which i consider worse that being overweight.  i feel like you should have commented, but very sweetly as you walked up behind her.  something like oh gee, us beached whales dislike hurtful gossip.  are you a friend or not?

hold your head high!  i have a feeling you are a very neat person,  and even if people do listen, they dislike and distrust gossips.

Answer 31

I'm afraid I would have to say something at the time. I would make a point, that I feel so bad that I can't be PERFECT like her. I would have to say something like, it's so very hard not to be beautiful, graceful, a good friend, and a loyal friend.like her.  I would make her feel like c**p.Then I'd say OH, well, I guess I'm glad that I'm not 2 faced so maybe I'm glad I'm me and you are you.  Then walk off after wishing her a great day.That would eat at her and she'd remember it I'm sure.  Maybe she'd even learn to watch her mouth.OR you could leave it alone and if the opportunity arises to say something I would bring it up and just tell her you didn't think that was very nice from a FRIEND (if she is one)