Sensetive situation. I need some good advice.

Question

I am a 38yr old mom, my husband, son and I just moved into our new home a few months ago. We have a " family " next door to us who you could call dysfunctional at best. I don't want to put too many details out there but this 14 yr old girl isn't with her mother she is with an aunt. She just came to my door a while ago and handed me a note... to sum up, I think she is wishing I was her mom and she could live with our family. I've over heard the fights and comforted her when we get the chance to talk by telling her about all of the good things I see in her. What can I do for this girl? From what I have overheard, I know that she is in a verbally abusive situation and I suspect worse. I don't want to make trouble for her or my family but I just can't ignore this. Who do I go to? What do I do? My heart is breaking for her. I don't want to feed her fantasy that I could be her mom ( I'd be lucky to have a daughter like her ) but I can't turn my back on her either. HELP!!

Answer 1

Hey there,

I may have a differnt take on this because I work as a counselor. As a mom, I think you have a duty to call the authorities and let them in on what you have witnessed.

Also, as a mom i trust your instincts about the "other" stuff that is going on. when you contact the authorities you certainly can tell them that you would gladly foster the girl.

If you do not do this.... It will eat you up inside. Years will pass and you will always wish that you could have done more. As it is, you have an obligation to the girl and to society to do the right thing and hope and pray that they do right by the girl.

You and I are about the same age. when I was in my early twenties I witnessed something at a restaurant and I did nothing. I wish I would have called the police. i wonder about the little boy all the time. And, this was a complete stranger.

Now, I work as a psychotherapist and I am mandated by law to report this kind of abuse even if I am not at work. If I just happen to see it in the street.

I think you are a brave and courageous woman and I do believe that the strongest message you can send is that you care and that you will do all you can within the confines of the law to help her.

The reason I say this is because I know we all are scared of the "system" and would she be treated worse if the authorities took her. I have to trust that they will. There have been many, many success stories. We only hear about the absolute worse ones.

also, if you are worried about your instincts not being correct.. I think that sometimes you should err on the side of the child. Share your concerns with the authorities and then let this family prove them wrong.

I myself believe and trust you. Its obvious that you have a huge heart and it breaks when this young girl gets mistreated. Good luck

Answer 2

aww- she is most likely attracted to your positive motherly nature that she has never had before yet recognizes it when she is around you. There is nothing wrong with being her friend. Maybe you should invite her over from time to time like to help you out in cleaning or chores or even baking cookies. chances are that she might be very willing to help out. Just her witnessing your family nature as a whole different dynamic is such a positive thing for her to see.  Thats really a heart felt letter...my heart cracked to when i read this & im a 27 yr old mom of a little 4 year old monster boy. aww...i say be her little friend.

Answer 3

Don't try to get to involved, it will make being at home awful for you. But next time you talk to her, try saying "You're such a sweet girl, and I want you to know that I'm here for anything you might need. Whether it's homework, boys, or whatever!" I'm 14 aswell, and it's always great to know that "cool" grownup who is basically like a more responsible best friend! Saying something like that will also subtly let her know that if anything is wrong (such as abuse), she can tell you, and you'll do what you can to help her. Good Luck!

Answer 4

  Being a teenager myself and knowing what its like to be verbally abused by a parent and or family, I know what its like to try to depend on people.  It seems I try to depend on people but I still spend so many nights crying alone, even though I let other people cry to me.  If there is one thing I want then its for someone to be there for once when I cry.  In being a young teenager, I know that the thing I don't really need right is a mother- of any kind really, but what I need is for someone to be a friend.  I need a mom that's not a mom but a friend to her daughter.  

So my advice is, just be there when she cries, take her out shopping, talk about cute guys and try to be a teenager a long with her again.  Then I think it will show you more of who she is and maybe she'll bring out a side in you that will tell what to do for her.  She needs someone to shield her from the world right now, and I think she wants you to do that, if you turn her away you'll shatter her.  She doesn't have to live with you for you to love her.  Don't tell her that though, cause to a teenager, words a meaningless, show her.  Make her smile and laugh and show her a different life, make her strong against the world so she won't have to fall back on someone all the time.  That's the best thing a parent or a friend could do for someone.  

=)

Best of luck!  

Answer 5

You could report it to an agency in your area that will look into child abuse and if they find that she is being abused she will be removed from the situation and placed in temporary foster care. You could then decide weather or not you would want to adopt her, and the agency should be able to tell you if you could.

Its nice to know that there are people out there that care about other people as much as you do. There really need to be more people like you. I hope this helps a little, i dont know what the agency is called but if you look into foster care in your area you should be able to find out. I hope that things work out well for you and that you are able to help the girl.