Seperated but stills wants a baby?

Question

My wife and I are in a separation right now and trying to figure out whether our marriage will work or whether divorce is best. We get along great and there is no anger at each other as we both simply have fallen out of love with each other. We are going through counseling and talk regularly. The other day my wife talked to me and said regardless of what happens, will I still give her a baby. The reason she is asking is because we are both middle aged and we have not had children. Her rational is that we are both good, caring people who would give the child love and a solid foundation regardless of our living situation. She also figures it would take a few years to find a good man and/or was even thinking of a sperm bank. Would love to hear what others think on this....I understand where she is coming from but obviously have concerns with this....

Answer 1

"Regardless of what happens" sounds like a very poor idea.

Don't let her use you as a sperm bank. You can sympathize with her all you want, but don't do this thinking you're doing her a favor. Having a child, clearly, is not a favor.

If she wants your baby, she needs to want YOU too. If you guys decide to give marriage another shot, and you want to be a dad, go for it. Otherwise, don't. If one of your ex-girlfriends contacted you today and asked you to get her pregnant, would you? Even if you were good friends and could offer the child love and a solid foundation? I should hope not. That's what it would be if you got a divorce.

This is one of those rare situations that ought to be viewed pretty much in black and white. You stay married= you procreate; you divorce= she finds a sperm donor. Don't sign up for any "regardless of what happens."

Good luck!

Answer 2

Don't do it. Don't have a child with someone who you couldn't live with. How is that fair to the child?

The child will always be an obligation, a connection, between the two of you, and if you can't agree how to remain together in an adult relationship, how are you going to deal with the differences that could arise in the ways you two want to parent, with the decisions to be made on how and where that child is raised? How do you explain to the child that you decided to have them even though you knew that its parents wouldn't be together? How do you rationalize the selfishness of that decision?  

Answer 3

Either you make the marriage work out, at least for two years before having a baby or you go your separate ways. Don't have a baby if your marriage isn't going to work.

Answer 4

i think its a good idea. go for it!

Answer 5

I don't blame you for having concerns with this request even as you say you are both on friendly terms. The problem with this is that you won't be on friendly terms once you have a baby together and live apart. Reason being you will disagree when one parent will have the child and the other wait till his/her turn. Who will be the one who decides this? I can grantee you won't always agree! It also is a concern that Your wife appears to be putting her own needs for a baby before any consideration to how the child will feel(as it grows up) being that it's parents are separated. What if your wife remarries and her new partner dislikes your and her arrangement and has a few ideas of his own. She will then be in a bit of a dilemma of whom to be loyal to. You or her new husband whom she lives with 24/7. So my advise as you can see by my concerns, is tread very carefully into the future. Good Luck I hope I have helped a little and no matter what you decide you ultimately are the one that will have to deal with all arising problems.

Answer 6

re: Her rational is that we are both good, caring people who would give the child love and a solid foundation regardless of our living situation.

...I don't see how and the kid would not benefit from having uncommited parents.  

Better to leave the kid out of this until one or both of you is in a healthy relationship.

Kids need better than this, IMO.

Answer 7

I feel its better to have a baby in a solid home environment but i couldn't give you an answer without knowing you both and your situation

Answer 8

It sounds as if you are putting your own wants and needs before a child's and that just shows that you folks aren't ready to have a child.  Of course the reasoning is understandable, but it's selfish and the child has not asked to be born into this world with separated parents.  When your priority becomes your child instead of yourself in this life, then that's when you two are ready to bear one into this world.

Answer 9

Honestly man, if you two are headed down the divorce route i wouldn't go creating a child with this woman.

Just read this catagory, you will see plenty of people who are fighting over things like visitation rights, child support and a ton of other stupid things with their ex's.

While the two of you are on good terms right now, can you be so certain it will be the same once you have found another woman to be with?

Just imagine all the trouble she could cause you in your life once your in a new relationship. She'll use the child, courts, and everything else as a weapon against you.

Why would you want to put yourself, and your kid through that?

Seriously, if you two do decide to split up, just tell her no and move on with your life.