Serious critiques please . . . anyone?

Question

The Saga of Earth, Wind, and Fire

The backwash from the Mother’s regrets causes the oceans,

Wave after lonely wave of her tears;

The Earth grabs for her children.

Her emotional outburst sends the Wind,

With Him the stench of salt and rotting,

Be it flesh, or fish, or fowl, and . . .

Any and all sanctuaries are roared away

As the Father parries back in anger

With the dreadful heat of his perspicacity!

The Wind can no longer suffer to observe

The dissension between the two

And takes leave from his heavenly preserve.

He steps foot into the warm grains of sand

And walks across them as a messiah;

He comes to receive the wet kisses

From his Mother upon his feet;

The deep calms as he continues towards his Father.

Half submerged, completely absorbed

His head arched back – his arms spread

Wider than he is tall, the flesh burns from his ribs.

The perspective becomes nonexistent, for the sky

Is as blue as the waters where they meet.

Answer 1

this writing made my heart sing....i am searching for more of your words! thank you.

Answer 2

This is a wonderful free verse poem,  I really like the metaphor, story line, and imagery within this poem.  This was also my suggestion...that you remove some of the wasted words and pare it down a bit.  I was in the process of paring it myself,  but  neonman beat me to it.  Excellent work...keep writing.  :)

Answer 3

backwash from Mother’s regrets causes oceans,

Wave after lonely wave of her tears; (hmm this needs something…since your talking about waves…it is already implied that the wave comes after waves…)

Be it flesh, fish, or fowl,

Any and all(kind of the same thing-get rid of one) sanctuaries are roared away

He steps foot into the warm grains of sand

walks across as a messiah;

it is amazinly written. love it

Answer 4

It took two readings to follow completely.  Beautiful imagery and a nice flow.  Earth, Wind and Fire should be proud!  Well done in my book.

Edit:  I took the liberty of editing the first part since you asked.  It involves merely removing a lot of what I thought were uneeded words

Backwash from the Mother’s regrets, causes oceans,

Wave after lonely wave of her tears;

Earth grabs for her children.

Her emotional outburst sends the Wind,

With Him the stench of salt and rotting,

Be it flesh, or fish, or fowl, and . . .

Any and all sanctuaries… roared away

As the Father parries back in anger

With the dreadful heat of his perspicacity!

Wind can no longer suffer to observe

dissension between the two

And takes leave from heavenly preserve.

stepping into warm grains of sand

And walks across them as messiah;

Coming to receive the wet kisses

From his Mother upon his feet;

The deep calms as he continues towards Father.

Half submerged, completely absorbed

His head arched back – his arms spread

Wider than he is tall, flesh burns from his ribs.

perspective becomes nonexistent, for the sky

Is as blue as the waters where they meet.

Answer 5

awesome.beatifull.

Answer 6

I have nothing to add to the comments of Neon and Spytfyr, this really is quite powerful!

Answer 7

As I read this, I was visualizing Earth, the mother, at odds with Fire, the father, and their son Wind was being torn between the two.  Well done, sir, I enjoyed reading it.

Answer 8

In general I liked it.  Good free verse.  I have read the other critiques and can't really add anything.

This is a very visual piece of writing, but it also appeals to other senses.  I can feel the wind and sense the cold or heat as appropriate.

On those rare occasions I post something poetic it is usually a work in progress, and this is too.  A nice start.