Question:

Seriously, do any other men feel similarly? And, if so, care to share?

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This question doesn't represent any kind of relationship-breaker or anything. It's merely a question to other married men (and, if they're so inclined, married women who fit this bill) to see what their take on this is...

My wife often comes home from work and likes to unwind by watching some television (usually HGTV). Last night, I was getting ready to go to bed, and as I kissed her "good night," she told me that she would be up(stairs in our bedroom) "in a minute." Many times, last night included, I wake up in the middle of the night (3-4am) only to find that I'm still in bed alone. Occasionally, I'll go downstairs, only to find my wife out cold on the couch. Sometimes the television is on; sometimes, it's off. The television doesn't have a timer on it.

It would seem to me that, especially in the instances of those times when the television is off, she had to be awake enough to make the conscious decision to pick up the remote, turn the television off, and go to sleep. In some other instances, she's even gone ahead and done some laundry or something else that I am positive she's not doing while sleepwalking. I often wonder just why she doesn't come on upstairs to bed when she's tired and knows she's drowsy. If I could have it my way, I'd wake up with her next to me each morning.

To address some potentially foreseeable questions ahead of time, no, I don't have any kind of nasty body odor or stank, nor are we fighting, nor any of that. There isn't any overt reason of which I can think that would put her in a place, mentally, where she "couldn't bring herself" to sleep next to me. It's not an every-night thing, either, but it happens often enough for me to ask this question. I don't think we go a week without this happening at least once or twice. I have also told her how I feel about this. And, although it isn't correct, she has, more than once, made the assertion that she thinks I stay up with her just so I can get her to come to bed when I see her fall asleep. I let her know that isn't the case, either.

We sometimes joke about this -- occasionally, while we're watching television together, I'll caution her not to recline past 45°, or she'll be out for the night. We both kinda get a laugh out of it. Although I don't think that there's something awry in our relationship, I occasionally get to feeling like this is some form of rejection. That may just be me, but that's the reason I'm asking this question here. Perhaps my wife thinks that this is just a perfectly normal thing. I suppose that it may just be, to her.

As for me, I've kinda gotten to the point where, if I wind up retiring for the night before she does, I all but expect that I won't see her there when I wake up. Once in a great while, though, I am happily corrected in the morning. Again, this isn't a relationship-killer, but I'm just looking for a forum to find out what other people think.

Do other guys feel like this at all -- like they miss their wives when they don't come to bed?

For the ladies reading this question, please feel free to comment, as well, if the tables are turned in your particular situation.

Also, if you're one of the ladies (or guys) who is the one who "falls asleep on the couch," I'm interested in your insight into this phenomenon. Why do you not come to bed (if there even IS a reason, absent any apparent fighting or anything else obvious to recognize)? Please be honest and specific, if possible, as it pertains to you.

Thanks.

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  1. my husband does the exact same thing. he likes to unwnd with the tv. i used to ask him to watch in our room so he could fall asleep there but he doesnt like it cause he cant make it too loud b/c our 8 mo old's crib is in our rooom and seh is asleep by 8:30. so he watches outside in the living room. it has gotten to the point where i just let him. i got tired of asking him to come to bed.  


  2. You sound so much like my husband. I also sometimes simply out of being too tired fall asleep on the couch or even when me and my husband go to bed on the nights I cannot sleep, I get out of bed to watch tv so as not to wake him. This annoys him. He hates waking up and not finding me next to him. I reasurred him it is not because I do not want to be with him it is just that I was tired and fell asleep or could not sleep, whatever the case was. I also love to wake up with my husband next to me, that is a part of loving someone. Your wife is obviously tired and needs some rest. Ask if she needs help with housework or with other duties that she has so that you can lighten her load. Otherwise, I would not worry, she loves you, it is just that she is tired.  

  3. The solution is simple.SIMPLY REMOVE THIS PARTICULAR COMFORTABLE COUCH FROM FRONT OF THE TV AND INSTALL A BENCH OR STIFF,UNFLEXIBLE CHAIRS (OR ANYTHING WHICH DOESN'T ALLOW ONE TO RECLINE AND RELAX) IN ITS PLACE.

    Be assured,you will find your wife by your side in the bedroom every night.

  4. Such a long question, yet it was a pleasure to read.

    I don't have any advice for your specific problem, but you should really do something with your writing.

    It's such a shame when people waste their talent.

  5. I'm not a man but here goes, I used to wake up in the middle of the night and go to sleep on the couch so I could watch tv.  That was all it was about on me.  My ex used to stay awake so he could go out somewhere later as I had caught him a time or two.  In your case I have no idea.  These are my experiences.

  6. Sounds like it's a habit she has. People have all kinds of funny habits. If it's not a "relationship killer", I would just let her be; why stir trouble where there is none? I have a very bad habit of going to bed late; even when I *am* in bed before midnight, I will look at the clock and say - geez, it's early, I can still read or play games on my iPhone; next thing I know, it's 1:30 am and I feel angry that I didn't go to sleep early again! It happens almost every night. Very difficult habit to break, I've been going to sleep late since I was a teen. Sleeping habits can be really peculiar, and it's generally something you will have to deal with in regards to your partner.

    That said, my husband and I sleep in separate bedrooms, so we don't impact each other with our respective sleeping habits. We go to bed at different times; on the weekend, he gets up the same time he gets up on weekdays, but I sleep in through early afternoon. We started sleeping separately mainly because he snores a lot, and I have trouble sleeping - and now we like it. He even said not so long ago - "I wonder why more people don't do this?" (meaning, sleeping separately).

    And yes, my husband falls asleep on the couch all the time; basically, if he feels like falling asleep, he won't bother to go to bed - he will just go to sleep right there. A lot of people are this way, and I don't really see what the big deal is. Everyone has their little habits.

  7. You  mentioned having a two story home. I can honestly tell you I have fallen asleep many times downstairs because I just didn't want to walk up the stairs. That's the honest truth!. That may be all there is to  it. Ask her

  8. I have been very sleepy while watching TV.  It's hard to force myself to get up because I'm SOOOOO tired.  However, I force myself to go to bed because my husband's going to be there too.

    On the other hand, if my husband is working nights, I'll just stay on the couch and go to sleep.

  9. Geez, NICE MANIFESTO Mextrosexual male!

    No wonder she doesn't want to come to bed- there isn't a FULL MAN in it!

  10. from past experience, i used to wait for him to go to bed and be asleep, before I would even consider going to bed myself, simply because I did not want to have s*x with him. We were not fighting, I was just too tried, from being with two small children all day, and wanted to go to bed to sleep.

    Talk to her, maybe she doesn't want you to feel as if she is rejecting you, although, it sounds as if she is.

  11. Way too long to read!

  12. My wife does this too. Doesn't bother me any, it's not like you have to get up and move around alot to push a small rubber button on a remote that is probably in her hand to begin with to shut it off.

    I'm of the mind set that if she is comfortable and she is asleep, Good. This way I know she's not going to be tired, I know she's getting her rest be it in bed or on the couch.

    Do I miss her in bed? No not really becausee I'm asleep too. And most of the time she does get up in the middle of the night and com into bed. if she doesn't oh well, I don't automatically get upset and think she doesn't love me. If fact I thik it's cute to see her all balled up on the couch in the morning.

    park your emo insecurities and just live with it. You being insecure about this will not help you in the long run. It is NOT you. she doesn't do this because she's ignoring you, she's just comfortable and tired. Don't deny her beauty sleep.

    yes it's always nice to wake up with your wife right next to you, always nice, but as Mick Jagger sings, "You can't always get what you want." same goes for relationships. This has nothing to do with her feelis for you, but more to do with teh biological sleep cycle of the human being and the level of comfort the couch happens to offer at  that particular time.

  13. I'm a girl & I do that all the time.  I'm just not on my husband's schedule.  He goes to bed earlier than me & I stay up.  Especially when I'm working full time.  There's no fun in that.  I want to catch up on my shows or jump on the internet & get some ME time in.  I know the part about saying "I'll be there in a minute" is rude but it's usually because I know he'll be asleep in a minute anyway so if he thinks I'm on my way he's happy.  Then I stay up until 2 or 3am.  He's just sleeping anyway.  It's not like s*x was gonna happen.  If I do go in the room with him I just end up watching the shows I recorded while he sleeps.  Same difference.  In the room, out of the room.  Doesn't matter.

  14. Ask her why she behaves this way.

  15. Since last week, i know what it is.

    Sometimes you are in the middle of something (watching tv, doing chores) when you sit down and poof, you are off to lala land.

    Is there something that really exhausts your wife?

    That can explain why she drops off in front of the tv (either off or on).

    I know that in my case, work is causing exhaustion (thank God it is only 3 weeks, so 1 more week to go).

  16. Maybe she just needs some space at those moments, respect that and I will guarantee you she will be back in no time.  You just need to tell her that you will be ready and waiting for her when SHE is READY to join you.  Give her that, she probably just needs that!!!!  Dont try to figure her out just love her while she chooses to do that.

  17. Its one thing when its as with my wife, who often falls asleep on the couch, with a DVD playing the commentary track. She just fell asleep while the disc played on.

    But, your wife is doing a lot of active things that all have the result that she doesn't end up in bed with you. So, that result is due to her willful actions. Thats what you and she have to address, the why does she arrange to go to sleep on the couch. If she won't give you an honest answer, and if she won't make a change to make sure that she falls asleep with you in bed most nights, then you may well have an issue here that goes beyond where she chooses to fall asleep.  

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