Sexually repressed because of abandoned religion?

Question

I recently left my faith (gradually over the past two years). I'm trying to integrate myself into secular society, but that it isn't easy. The hardest aspect is relationship stuff. To put it into perspective - I was taught that premarital s*x is a sin. I was 17 the first time that I saw pornography, and 19 was the first and last time that I kissed a girl. Now, I am almost 22. Two years of college have really helped, even though I lived off campus. Most of my friends and immediate family still are close with me, though not all. Anyone who has had similiar experiances will understand. I've been trying to have a relationship for a while, but because i am so awkward about physical stuff, things keep getting messed up. The last girl that I asked out (it took a long time) broke up with me because of this. I really want a normal relationship because it does suck to be alone. I am having a really hard time getting over her. Any advice would be great.

Answer 1

Man, that's gotta be frustrating.  I haven't had the same experiences, but I can imagine it's been tough.  I'm glad to hear that at least some of the family is still staying in contact though.  Congrats on how far you've come already.  

Now when it comes to male-female relationships, there are a couple of different strategies you could take.  It sounds like you are currently trying to simply get a bf-gf thing started, one that might eventually lead to something more intimate.  If so, you may have more luck with a woman who is about as experienced as you are.  While never-been-kissed virgins may be difficult to find, there are some things you can do to increase your odds.

One would be to look for some social groups specifically created for recent converts to secular society.  Not only would they be able to relate to your situation, they would probably have advice, and best of all, women who are in the same boat - or is it that just got out of the same boat - as you.

Another would be to go a bit younger than you normally would - say young ladies just finishing high school - who are less apt to have much bf-gf experience.  Say, those who have been going to an all-girls school, or those who have had more strict upbringings.  

Since you're working away from religious practices, I doubt you'd want to go with girls from particularly religious families, although religions different from yours may be more comfortable.  Moderate Muslims or Buddhists might make a good match (assuming you're from a Christian background), or possibly even someone from one of the more pious Christian sects.  

Even women of any religion (or none at all) from countries where the population tends to be less promiscuous could be on your wavelength.  These are generalizations of course, but it seems as if people in SE Asia are more conservative when it comes to dating, as well as those in the Persian/Arabian lands and Eastern Europe.  These ladies could be a little older than the highschoolers.  In fact, if you catch some recent immigrants, they might be even older than you.

I guess the reason I am thinking along these lines is because I recently read a very good book about a woman from China who goes to England to study, and of course learns more about love and relationships than anything else.  The title of the book is "A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers", and the author is Xiaolu Guo.  You might relate to the protagonist of the story, come to think of it.

And since I mentioned women older than you, I'll throw this out there too.  If you are interested in gaining some sexual experience before testing the dating waters again, an older woman might be a good choice for you.  I might be perpetuating an unfair stereotype by saying this, but I had my "cougar" as they're sometimes called, and I'm sure I could find plenty of other guys in the world who have been schooled in the ways of love by very generous and caring older women who just love to take on new students.  For examples, rent "The Graduate" or "Bull Durham", just to name a couple of films on that subject.  

Again, there may be higher percentages for success with caring and giving people like nurses, social workers, teachers, physical/occupational therapists, etc., or with widows and divorcees.  But don't expect every newly arrived, once married, Malay aid worker to be milf-ish.  I'm just saying if you happen to meet someone in those categories there's a higher chance that they could end up being your cougar.

So that's my advice.  Most importantly though, I want you to know that you'll get through this phase one way or another, and you won't always be as miserable as you are right now.  Hang in there.  Keep trying.  Don't give up hope.  You're time will come.  Best of luck!

Answer 2

How cool that you're making this journey! Don't give up. I'm sorry that that girl was not the right one.

Eventually you'll meet someone who understands and who is either shy too, or understanding. When you form another relationship, be totally upfront about the fact that you're still learning to be comfortable with physical intimacy. Wait until you find someone who you really trust and who 'gets' what you're going through and won't be offended when you pull back. Just sort of try and have fun and meet new girls and make friends, until you connect with someone new.

I had to deprogram some old ideas, and I'm still working on it. But I have a partner who respects and nudges me along at the same time. ;) So I understand what you're up against. Don't let it get to you. It'll be worth it once you get more comfortable.

In the meantime, get political! Read up about how religion and patriarchy affect people negatively in this way, and what social progressives and feminism do to get rid of some of those old ideas. It'll boost your morale! Contact me if you'd like some good blogs.

Answer 3

well for i dont think you should have left your faith to date get back into it or one that your heart desire getting a woman dont rush i wish i was a virgin again try to be your self let things flow naturally and try tofind a woman with good morals that will respect you try not to go for flashy girls date some one with selfrespect thats covered up and not exposing their self to the public

Answer 4

Well, if you're going to "abandon" your religion, you might as well go out and get laid as much as you can, which is actually much easier than you think- if you don't think about it too much.

This way, you can find out that s*x without meaning is hollow and empty and maybe then you're explore a more meaningful aspect of  your religion.  You probably also need to get in touch with your inner sexuality, which doesn't necessarily mean having s*x.