Shame and guilt i want to forgive myself but cant?

Question

I was 15 when i had sexual encounter with my then boyfriend while i hated it completely..i broke up because i nolonger want to satiate him again and again..thankfully i havent been penetrated..now im 22 i have fallen in love for the first time since with a godly person...i have not told him abt my past for the fear of having myself distancd him...now we'e so close and the guilt is eroding me emotionally slowly and painfully...i cant even kill myself because that would shatter my beloved ...im crying as im writing this..i checked my hymen the other day and found that it has a slight tear..i have never insert anything inside of me..i tsrongly feel that it happened in one of those occations years back..im miserable enough to feel suicidal...but suicide is not an option because my darlings life would then stop and become standstil..he trusts me wholly..confessing to him is not an option because he would lost faith in the world if he knows ive been hiding it...i cant bear to make him love me any less..could you find me a solution.

Answer 1

HONEY,,U NEED TO GET THIS OFF,,,N OUT OF YOUR HEART,,,IF CONFESS,,,THE WAY YOU SAY HE IS A VERY GOOD PERSON,,N LOVES YOU,,,HE WILLL FORGIVE YOU,,,THATS ALL APRT OF TRUSTING THE ONE U REALLY LOVE,,,HE WILL UNDERSTAND CAUSE YOU WERE SO YOUNG,,,,PLEASE TALK TO HIM,,,PEACE

Answer 2

First of all he is a Godly and you are even considering taking your life, that would not only hurt him but where would you end up if you took your life over this, I bet it is not a place you would want to spend eternity at.

Tell him about your past and tell him that if he wants to move on with out you that he can, but that you needed to continue with this with the truth and after he hears the truth you will understand what ever he decides.

What ever it is you did can not affect the love he has for you today, you didn't hurt him when you did what you did way back then, you only hurt him with your lies that is all and that if you correct can be forgiven as long as you stop saying lies.  

Answer 3

Your partner and God will forgive you. Remember that.

God Bless.

Answer 4

I would suggest you talk to your pastor or a therapist about your feelings. You have mentioned you feel guilty enough to want to commit suicide. You need to learn to leave the past in the past, if you are christian then it is already forgiven. You can break your hymen riding a bicycle so you can't really say what caused a partial tearing after 7 years of celibacy.

I believe something beyond consensual mutual masturbation must have happened to you to make you feel so bad about yourself.

If some experimentation you did at 15 could cause him to lose faith in God/the world or you neither one of you is emotionally healthy enough to be in a relationship.

The solution is..in my opinion..  to find out why you are reacting so strongly to this and work through it until you have a better  understanding of yourself.

I really think after reading your question details this problem goes deeper than just morals.. you need to find out what messed you up and get help..your guilt is out of proportion and will sabotage you in all your relationships until you can forgive yourself and let it go..

I know if you are christian you believe you have sinned, heck, if you went against your own morals weather you are religious or not, you did violate yourself.

If you are christian.. ask yourself what happened to grace.. do you  believe it's only for everyone else, not you, or that it does not apply to sexual sin.. just a thought.

Answer 5

1. Even if you don't tell him, you've already built a wall between the two of you and you will start distancing him sooner or later.

2. As hard as it may be, it might be better if you do let him know what has happened in the past. And leave it to him to decide what to do with his love for you. Even if you might lose him in the end, it might still be better than keeping him but having something between the two of you. And the later it comes out, the more it will hurt.

3. Whether he will love you more or less isn't necessary controlled by what you do or don't do (he loves your "being", not just your "doing"). Ultimately, it is up to him.

4. I know his love means all the world to you. However, the world can still be wonderful and bright if you should lose his love one day.

Wish you all the best.