Share your rude/nasty adoption stories?

Question

we all have had them, the nasty rude comments from people that dont know you or your biological parents. they make assumptions and share their uneducated 'advice'

so what is the worst things you have heard about yourself and your adoption?

Answer 1

I am heartbroken to hear about these comments.  All I can say is that when you are a child, other children can be so cruel.  They don't mean to be, they just are.  I think it is instinctual to intimidate others into submission.  It is done in the wild all the time.  But adults saying  and/or doing horrible things to a child has no excuse.  But most of us have lost our temper or temporarily our mind at some point and said something horrible to a child regardless of whether it was a birth child or adopted child.  I know I have.  I also know my Mom did it and my sisters have done it and my husband and their husbands.  Unfortunately, no one is perfect and we all make mistakes.  Luckily, my family has always been very open and we encourage our children to talk to us about things that we may have said or done when they were children.  The amazing thing is every child remembers the same incident a little differently or if only one child was involved they remember bits and pieces and not the whole thing.  I think it always amazes them to hear other prospectives on what they thought was a very hurtful or sad incident.

My children never told me to this day that anyone ever said anything mean to them about being adopted.  My birth sons were older and very protective of my girls so they may have kept some of the school yard taunting down.  I will have to ask them, but I doubt anyone ever did because they would have told me by now, I think.

I told all four of my children I wanted to abort them about once a week.  I threatened to kill them and bury them in the desert at least once a day. Every time my husband went to the Feed and Seed store I yelled at him to bring back enough lime so when we killed and buried the kids it wouldn't smell and they would disintregate faster.   I told them I was going to give all four of them up for adoption about once a month. And every single road trip we went on I would ask them to all go to the bathroom at the same time so we could drive off really fast and abandon them.   I was kind of a RoseAnn Mom.  So maybe the fact that all of these horrible comments were coming from me in a very loving, teasing, safe environment if they did hear negative comments from others it just slid off like water on a duck's back.  It didn't take my girls long at all to realize that I wasn't referring to them in particular and that my boys were so used to it they totally laughed or got into the game with me so they knew this was a normal and funny thing to do.  We would always tell them when they had there own houses Dad and I were selling ours and buying a motorhome and going to visit them one after the other until we died.  We told them we would pee on their furniture, bring all of our animals in to pee everywhere, chew up everything, and in general cause havoc, we would pour red koolaid on their carpet and draw on all of their walls with majic markers and crayons.  We would search out their most prized possessions and break them into a million pieces.  We'd kill their plants inside and out, put GI Joe and Barbie and her car into their toilets until they overflowed, etc.  They'd all scream no you can't come visit me!

As they got older they were able to come up with some pretty good ways to get rid of me and Dad and now that they are grown they are relentless.  They tell us they put arsenic in our food but we would have to guess which one and that they bought poisonous snakes and put them throughout the house and the one that is a Deputy Sherrif says now he knows how to clean up the blood without leaving any behind for forensics, etc.

I guess if you grow up in a home where not so subtle threats and jabs are a fun communication tool, anything anyone else says just sounds silly.  But I am so sorry so many people suffered such horrible treatment from others.

Answer 2

<sigh> I don't think this was directly towards me, but it still ticks me off....

I was taken away from my bmom and adopted when I was about 5 or 6. I was able to keep in contact with her all my life. My adopted parents wanted to be open and honest, which I fully appreciate 10000%. But what pisses me off (pardon the language), is that when I was 18, my bmom adopted another baby! And from about 6 months after she was adopted, I've raised her. I ended up getting full custody of her in 2003 when she was just 4 years old.

She didn't want to take care of me, and she obviously got sick of my little sister too! What kind of c**p is that?!? How can you take in a child, then give it away to the other child that you had given away?!?  I just don't get people.

Answer 3

me:  What exactly was the process for relinquishing a baby for adoption?

bdad:  A lady came to our house, took our information, and that was it.

me:  You didn't have to go to court or sign official documents?

bdad:  no

Answer 4

I have the usual run of the mill ignorant replies that point to mothers like me.  The ones who don't specifically address what I'm saying specifically, but are general responses given to women who have walked in my shoes to suck it up and that it was our own choice.  Some can be pretty cruel, but really, it wasn't directed exactly at me so it goes into the general ignorant comments category.

I've only had one specific comment directed at me specifically which happened on my blog.  I haven't finished tagging my entries yet, so I can't go back and pull the direct quote.  Basically someone who I think was an young adult adoptee woman wrote a comment on one of my entries chastising me for having a child after relinquishing my son for adoption.  Never mind that I waited seven years after relinquishment to even consider having more children.  Anyway, the point of the comment was to remind me that my son would likely be completely hurt to be discarded and then replaced by other children.

So, while I can understand adoptee feelings of abandoment, replacement, moved on versus stuck in the place I was when I relinquished, all of the mind f**k that comes with adoption loss; I don't understand why biological parents are to be held hostage to that particular point of time (relinquishment)

Either we are supposed to move on like society tells us to after relinquishing, or we are supposed to stay in that moment stuck mired in the loss.  Actually, I think I'm supposed to be both.  Am I really supposed to buy into the idea that because I relinquished once I am not able to parent any child?

One thing is true though, comments like this that rattle my cage to the core are good for me.  While I may not agree with the extreme that poured out of the comment, my children's feelings about the impact of adoption onto their lives does matter to me.  How I explain the relinquishment and explain the complicated nature of having to choose relinquishment is going to be a tough question to answer, and the answer needs to not only be the truth, but also meet the needs of which one of my children is asking the questions.

Answer 5

I've had my mother's sister invite my brother to events & not me.  She did this in front of me but behind my back.  She kept saying to him "don't forget about Sunday."  I didn't ask "what's Sunday."  I only found out later when I saw the photos.  It really hurt my heart. Of course I think that woman's a stuck up ** it's about the reasons behind her not inviting me.  I'm of a different race.  My brother is my mother's biological child & of mixed race but he appears White.  

I told a co-work that I'm adopted so any time I'd mention something my mother did to upset me she'd say "she's not your real mother. "  As if that explains everything.  I guess in a big way it does.  I always felt that adoption was about taking a child into your home who had no home.  Now it seems that adoption is about obtaining a White, blonde haired blue eyed baby at any cost.  s***w all of the non white kids, who cares about them!! Right!

I have to say that if a woman is woman enough to relinquish her child she's woman enough to look that child in the eye 18 years later & tell them why they gave them up!

Answer 6

someone told ?@#$ you

Answer 7

Thank you all for sharing your stories.  I did need to hear it.  Big hugs to you all!

Answer 8

Wow, rachael, that's pretty bad.

Adoption almost never came up in my life with other people.  (My aparents almost never mentioned it.)

Maybe the worst was my siblings.  I was the oldest and left in charge a lot when we were growing up.  If they didn't like what I told them to do (which was what my father had told them to do before he left), they would get mad at me.  Then they would say things like "I wish you were never adopted."  

That kind of thing sticks with a person, you know?  

I know they would have been mean in some other way, but at the time, it cut pretty deep.

Answer 9

i can't recall anything bad,but i get annoyed when people who know i am legally adopted refer to my aparents as my "Foster Parent's". that really bugs me.

Answer 10

While not an adoptee but a mother I can tell you some of the really truthfully hurtful things my daughter has heard. First I was the woman who slept with a married man who went back to his wife .(not even close to true) She was told by her amom that you only get one mother in life and that she was it . (Gee and I thought I was the one who gave birth to her) She has variously been told to be grateful she wasn't aborted (the thought never crossed my mind btw abortion and adoption do not equate they are apples and oranges) She was also told I had "addiction problems" (also not true) Then she heard all the lies her father told about me. Yes my lovely, and loving daughter has been subjected to many of the same words you all have. I along with Magic Pointe have also been subjected to horrible comments on my blog (s) and have been called among other things a crack w***e (there was no crack in 1984) and an alcoholic/w***e. Nice words for all of us aren't they? Even when an adoptee asks a simple question and she has a good story for herself she gets slammed here. What is wrong with this picture? Why can't we all try to learn from each other? *sigh* sorry it just bothers me so much that people don't "get this"

Answer 11

My friends adopted 3 children, all of them came from mothers who were on drugs and didn't have any reason to care for their babies and gave them up so they could move on.. The first child was a great kid, she grew up happy and loved and graduated from college, no problems just a delight, the boy died at 18 months old from a rare form of MD that the adoption agency had no clue that was there until he got older, they wept. The third child has a undersized brain caused by the mother using drugs she was fine as a child but hit puberty and has no concious, she steals, lies and just is terrorizing the adopted parents.

People who adopt are very strong individuals, I dont' think I could do it, never know what the genetic bag held inside. But I have fostered wonderful teens who were physically abused by their folks and one of them considers us her folks; not the people that bore her, because we taught her values and that not all families have to be frightening like her's.

Its all about the luck of the draw, let's face it you make yourself happy in the long run, abused kids can use it as a crutch or they can dump the negative and love life and make a future, it's really their choice.

Answer 12

Well I had that boyfriend who told me after we had dated a  year that I could never tell his family or friends that I was adopted because they would consider me a b-word and not worthy of them.  Oh and if I wasn't good enough for my own family then I wouldn't be good enough for theirs.

The relationship ended soon after.

Answer 13

This is rather crude, but I'll post it since it is something I was told.

"When [insert names of my adoptive parents]  got you, you didn't have a pot to p**s in or a window to throw it out."

EDIT:

Scorpio, that happened to me in grammar school.  Another student vehemently insisted that my adoptive parents were foster parents.  It really upset me at the time.

Another Edit:

Regarding why are we posting negatives, it's because people need to be aware of some of the unpleasant things adopted people can experience SIMPLY because they are adopted.  Yes, everyone experiences unpleasant things, but these are things that are experienced solely because of the adoptive status of the person.  Adoptive parents should be aware of what their kids may experience.

Answer 14

I am from the other side of this issue, we adopted through the foster care system.

Before the adoption, we had several friends and family "advise" us not to adopt a foster child, implying that the child(ren) would be "damaged" somehow.  One tried, several times, to get us to adopt from China, others just generally showed a real lack of support for the idea.  This is contrasted with what happened when another family member adopted privately several years ago; in that case, the family all rallied around.  But, when we were going through the process, all we got was "are you sure?"  (I am glad to say that ALL of them now feel differently and there is no doubt from anyone.)

Since the adoption, when we tell people we adopted, almost every time, the first question is "where are they from?".  It is very sad that everyone assume an international adoption.

Edit -

kaluah96, I was very sad to read your story.  I think it is horrible for you to grow up in such a home.  Be assured, we will never say such things to our adopted sons.

Answer 15

1. my mother used to make me pick my nephew up from school and one day my nephew called me his slave (my entire family is white i am korean/? black) instead of my mothe telling him that that was wrong of him to say she said well technically you are.

2. My mother on new years said "oh well we can make you the maid" when she said that my sisters and the girl across the street all looked alike and i asked her what about me.

3. i was told that i was adopted when i was 12 and when i turned 13 she sent me to military school but before that she asked me if i wanted another family and i didn't even do anything wrong.

4. the kids at school picked on me for not knowing i was adopted but i had asked and was lied to. (that hurt a lot)

5. i never get to spend christmas with my a family they said there wasn't enough room but i got christmas eve. ( after last christmas i basically told them to go s***w themselves)

6. i have had a black person ask me why i wanted to be one of them so bad. just because i was adopted and i look black doesn't mean i am so why do i feel like i have that right to claim it? (as if i don't have enough issues with not knowing what race i am but i can promise you in the south they see me as black.)

7. i'm sorry i adopted you.

i could go on but i'm going to depress myself.

Answer 16

What a surprise, the social worker wants us to not look at reality!

I think the rudest, and frankly oddest comment I ever heard was from my abrother's mother in law.  Adoption came up in a conversation, and she said, "The thing about adopted kids, is they think the world owes them something!"  What was strange to me at the time, was that as an adopted person I always felt I OWED everyone something.

Without ever mentioning I was adopted, I have heard LOTS of nasty, albeit common,  adoption talk.  The 'grateful', 'lucky', 'angry', 'bitter' stuff, mothers are trash, illegitimate stuff.  With the advent of political correctness, I hear it less nowadays.

Answer 17

I actually have had it pretty easy- however I did have a few comments from my in-laws about it,and then we adopted and I had a couple more comments about adoption that were not positive-  but that was not necessarily because they were against adoption , it was because they would do anything to insult the one that married their son.  However, I have a suggestion- these rude and nasty stories really do nothing to incite positive thoughts about adoption do they? Are we trying to discourage adoption here, it sometimes seems like it.

Answer 18

This is sad that anyone would make such comments towards anyone.  Every child regardless of race or s*x deserves a home without anyone putting their 2 cents into it.

If I had the money, space and time I would have adopted in a heart beat and would have loved that child unconditionally. NO ONE has the right to judge anyone for anything.  As long as your adopted parents love you s***w the rest of the world with their comments...

Answer 19

I don't have too many negative incidents like some of you as I never took things too personally.  I know that my mom would joke to me that my brother asked when they were sending me back after about a week being adopted.  He was also adopted & younger than I but had been adopted before me as an infant.  I never really took offense to that as I am still here.

Then in 6th grade we were watching a movie (forgot which one...possibly Annie) where some kid made fun of the adoptee & all the kids in my class looked at me to see how I reacted...I looked at them like, 'what the f' are you looking at' & told them I didn't care.

I've been told a couple times to go back where I came from but that's not due to being adopted, lol.  Fortunately, I haven't had to deal with too much negativity from others but more so in how I coped with it inside.  My parents adopted two brothers & they each had major cleft palets & I was 5 so I know they did it because they wanted children but also because they wanted to help a child less fortunate.  They could have adopted perfectly healthy babes but instead they adopted ones with 'issues'.  

I dare somebody to tell me to my face that I am less than them because I'm adopted...they should know better!

Answer 20

You really want to hear this?  I was told by an Indiana state legislator, Sen. Meeks that we need to protect "birthmothers" from their unwanted children.  

I have people who come to my blog that tell me that my adoptive parents are probably ashamed of me.  I was also on a call from a customer who told that he wished my parents have never married and that I was never born.  That is not thing to tell an adoptee.  The headset went flying off my head.  He hung up before a supervisor could take over the call.  

I have been told numerous times to shut and be grateful that I wasn't (a) aborted and (b) dumped in a dumpster.  My adoptive mother has read these things on my blog.  My adoptive mother has called the agency to demand that they give me my father's information.  She was politely rebuked.  

If both me and my adoptive mother have faced these issues, then the adoptive parents here will eventually face these issues as well.  You need to be aware of it.

Answer 21

Why perpetuate this negativity?  What purpose does it serve?  This is a board for sharing information, but it seems that most of the stuff getting posted is negative.  That anyone would tell you anything that you posted is beyond logic, but there are all kinds if crass, uneducated people in this world.  I'm sorry.

Answer 22

I've never had anyone say anything.  My friends always sd it was really cool and strangers don't know.