Sharing one of mine with you. What are your thoughts on my poem?

Question

GO ON FLY

You are a memory i'll never lose.

I'm a better man for knowing you.

So spread your wings and leave this nest.

Sometimes you have to do what's best.

There's so much for you to see

And I can't go with you my little me.

There's rolling mountains and crystal skies.

And so much more I cannot deny.

Go on fly away my dear

Fly so far away from here.

Head to the brightest star you'll see

But don't forget about you and me.

There will be some clouds in your way

But stay the course and they'll go away.

Your wings are strong and your heart is pure

Don't worry about me, I'll live I'm sure.

So go on fly away my dear

Fly so far away from here.

And when your roots find solid ground.

Soak it all in because I have found.

When it's time for your little you to finally fly.

Tears will fall from that once familiar sky.

Alas, dry your eyes this is not a sad tale.

We all get wings and forever to sail.

So head to the brightest star you'll see.

And I'll hug you tight my little me.

Go on fly away my dear

Fly so far away from there.

Head to the brightest star you'll see

Hope you didn't forget about you and me.

There will be some clouds in your way

But stay the course and they'll go away.

Your wings are strong and your heart is pure

And your little you will be ok I'm sure.

So go on fly away my dear

Fly so far away from there.

Answer 1

Overall - definitely liked it.  The gist of the poem is very easy to grasp, yet it doesn't leave you feeling like it was spoon fed.  That's a big bonus!  Are you a parent, too?  I've known people to write well about both things they know and don't know, so I hope you don't mind the question.

Some parts seemed to be just ever so slightly off, though.  Maybe it's just me.  For example - stanza 3, first 2 lines (I think there were a couple other places, but I'll just stick to that one).  Each time I read it, it seemed like an extra syllable was in there somewhere.  I think that you could take a minor grammatical shortcut and still have the poem running the way you intended.  You could either use 'cause' instead of 'because' or 'I've' instead of 'I have'.  Like I said, that could just be me.

There are some poetry websites out there as well.  Many great poems and poets to look over your work and give you honest opinions.  You should think about looking for one of those sites.

Answer 2

WOW !  Only a few suggestions though, so you can have the "flow"...

line 6 first stanza..take out the "you" have it say..

and I can't go with my little me...

2nd stanza 2nd line and 10th line...So very far away from here.

3rd stanza, 2nd line use cause instead of because.3rd line When its time for you to finally fly. 4th line take out once, 5th line take out "to" and put "we all will get wings and forever sail."

4th stanza 4th line change didn't to don't...8th line change your to my.

These are just some suggestions so it will flow more smoothly. It is really a beautiful piece of work. It is told with so much heart.

Answer 3

Its good.The same subject were posted today but was tackled differently.

U managed to stick to the topic , and that is good. The rhythm was good until the3rd L of  3rd stanza, there U started to loose balance.May be because U wanna force some a rhyme that required more words.If U take the 2nd line off,then the dialogue works as both literal and metaphor.

Have U ever tried to write bed time stories. I think U have a talent with describing physical and conceptual elements of ( out of time), imaginary cultures, in a rhymed poetic form (The fantazia type). Ur poem gave me this idea.

Good verse, I like it.

Answer 4

I wonder what you would do striving for somthing a little deeper. You appear to have a grasp of emotion, but it appears surface in this poem.  

Answer 5

WOW! i ♥ it. You can be a poet, keep up the good work!! =)