She's made new friends alright....bad friends......?

Question

My 14 year old daughter and I just moved to a new state. She was really in the dumps at first, missing old friends. Then school started and she seemed a little brighter. Last night she had her three new friends over for a sleepover. I thought everything was good.

Then I went up to say good night and when I opened the door I was greeted by smoke. There on my daughter's bed in a little row like birds on a telephkone wire was Noelle, Danika, Emily(my daughter's new friends)and my daughter SMOKING! When my daughter saw me she threw hers in the cup full of "water"(later I found out it was a wine cooler brought by one of the other girls) on her nighstand and said "Um, Dad, hi." The other girls threw theres in the cup too. I just gave them all a look and said "Give me your parents' numbers, I'm calling them, you're all going home and Isabelle, you're grounded!" She said "But Dad-" and I said "No buts. Numbers, now." I called all of the girls' parents who came and took them home. Then I sat down and talked with my daughter.

I told her "I trusted you! You promised me that you wouldn't fall into the wrong crowd again! I thought all of that counsling helped." Last year my daughter was caught drinking and sent to counsling and even rehab. I thought we had solved the crisis. Isabelle said "It was a one time thing. Danika brought the ciggeretes and I just took one. It's not a big deal." I said "It is too a big deal. You're FOURTEEN! You shouldn't be damagening your lungs at this age." Then I got the whole "It's my body thing." And I said "Yeah, but remember when I cauhgt you drinking and then when you got your naval pierced? You said that all thsoe times too. And I'm going to tell you what I told you then: It's your body, yes, but until you're 18 and able to feed and clothe that body yourself, I decide what goes in it. That includes ciggerettes!" Then I grounded her for two months and she called me a jerk and yelled "I HATE YOU!" and went to her room.

How can I further handle this? She has no woman rolemodel in her life(mom walked out on us years ago)and I'm really not sure what to do. She's refusing counsling. But I don't know if I should talk to her or send her to this school for troubled teens, which is really my last resort because I'd hate to have to send her away.

Other parents please help!

Answer 1

Well I would tell her that if you don't straighten out (and I will get you any help you need) then I'm sending you to a school for troubled teens! But I wouldn't say "troubled teens", I would say the name of the actual school. I think your doing the right thing by telling her no and grounding her for drinking and smoking. I agree with you completely! My mom would always say that my body was hers until I turned 18. Well that's a bad example. I'm 17 and my baby is due in October..

I would sit down and talk to her. She may be feeling depressed and that's why she's doing all of this! You can't make a child talk to a counselor. They don't make them talk. Sometimes all people need is time. Maybe not in this case.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Send her to the school for troubled teens. I am a retired police officer and they have police guarding the hallways to make sure your child isn't doing anything "wrong". You're doing the right thing by telling her smoking & drinking is a big no-no. Keep up the good work,dad.

Answer 3

Two months seems a bit excessive to punish your daughter for this incident.  Punishment that is too severe is counterproductive.  Other than that, I think you handled the situation beautifully.  You were right to call parents and send the visitors home.  

Of greater concern is your daughters addiction to alcohol. If she has been in rehab, there is a serious problem with her taking even a single drink.  I think you need to ensure that she is in a 12 step program of some type and you both are receiving counseling.  You need counseling for support dealing with this difficult situation.  All the work is up to your daughter, but you do need to lead that horse to the water.

Since she has been abandoned by her mother already, I think you should move very slowly on deciding to send her away.  Counseling will help you discover ways to show her that you are on her side pulling for her and want her life to have a positive outcome.  Tell her that is why you are insisting that you both go.

My heart goes out to you, sir.  Keep trying.  Your daughter is worth every effort now if you want to avoid much pain in the future.  Help her now while she is a troubled teen and perhaps she will overcome and become a happy adult.

God bless you both.  

Answer 4

A school for troubled teens?

For smokeing and drinking?

You are nuts! If she's not harming anyone, robing people, selling herself, then you shouldn't send her to one.

Smoking is bad but it is a choice, tell her she can smoke when she's 18 but until then she's not aloud to in your house.

As for the drinking, is she an alcoholic or has she just been drinking socially?

Answer 5

I'm 15 myself and I just read the whole thing

I think you did the best thing,I really appreciate that.but I just wanna know if you smoke in front of her?if you do and you really care about your daughter the first step is to quit.

if you force your daughter not be with those bad girls again she won't listen to you.you need to make her "believe" what she's doing is wrong.make her feel afraid of smoking talk to her about the causes and cancer...let her see the effects of it on people.

I believe that many schools are filled up with bad boys and girls.if you think you have not sent her to a good school change it.

till now I have never asked my friends to come here for sleepovers.my mom let me but I didn't want to.I was convinced that I don't want any of them to " sleep " here.we've got lots of time and we can see each other on other days.

don't send her to schools for troubled teens.the name makes me wanna throw up.she's still young her time will be wasted with other bad kids.try to spend more time with her.don't leave her home alone for so many hours.register her in different classes so that she will have a busy schedule(not too much though).and never assume your child is with good friends always get to know them.

try to satisfy her to visit an adviser if all the things people suggest you here didn't pay

good luck

Answer 6

You are doing the right thing. I think your daughter is troubled by the loss of her mother and the whole moving situation. She is way too young to be drinking and smoking. Keep her away from drinking/smoking and keep a close eye on her, and if she proves herself responsible, give her more freedom. She has her whole life ahead of her and doesn't need to ruin it with this.

BUT she is just a curious teenager. She wants friends. She wants to be mature. And she thinks smoking and drinking will make her cool, mature, and popular. Even if this IS helping her fit in, it's for the wrong reasons.

I agree with Cattie-Brie. Meet the parents of these girls then decide if she should still hang out with them.

Talk to her. Don't send her away to some troubled teens school unless you want her to be traumatized for life.

Answer 7

Oh man.... first of all I would like to say that you are one h**l of a man to step up and raise your daughter!! good job for that.  Also, when they are missing a parent in their life... that's a tough one, but that doesn't give her the right to do the things she's doing and done.  I think you handled the situation well, I also think when she is off grounding, you should restrict her privileges especially when she is out of the house & not with you, because teens will be teens and I don't think she's going to stop on her own, "everybody's doing it" and peer pressure is a tough one, maybe try and get her into a mentoring program, like a big brother big sister type deal, she needs some positive women in her life that can help her deal with her issues, she may not feel comfortable coming to you for certain things, she needs someone else she can vent to.  You could also talk to the teachers at school and see what they may be able to do to help you in regards to having more positive influences in her life.... she is using alcohol and tobacco to numb her feelings.  Or to "fit in" It is a really hard thing for a girl to grow up without a mother. also moving is hard on kids especially as a teen, and teens today don't make it so easy to git in...... I think that has a lot to do with her actions, but it doesn't excuse it.  It sounds like you already took charge of the situation, and sending her away would not benefit either of you, she already lost her mom, don't u give up on her too!! this is a hard age for teens, your going to get many i hate yous and you're so horrible, but do what you have to do to keep your daughter safe and out of trouble.  Unfortunately if you are too strict with her, it may backfire.  Have her gain your trust back, tell her she has to prove to you that you can trust her not to do the things she's been caught doing.  Good Luck. I wish you both well.

Answer 8

I agree that sending her away should be a last resort.  It should only be done if she is a danger to herself or others.  If not, hang in there and try other things.

I too have struggled with the question of why good kids choose bad friends.  One thing that has occurred to me is that often the "bad" kids are more accepting and less judgmental of their peers. A kid with low self-esteem, a shy kid, a rebellious kid - they can all find acceptance more easily among that group than among the ones they perceive to be popular, cliquish, or nerdy.  Strange as it may sound, the "bad" kids are less intimidating than the popular ones or the smart ones.

Your daughter is looking for acceptance among her peers and testing your authority.  I too have heard the "it's no big deal" rationalization - it's a way of minimizing and discounting your opinion. She says that to convince herself as much as you.  Grounding her is appropriate, but you may have to watch her closely to make sure she doesn't sneak out.  Letting her know that your main concern is her health, that you're not just trying to control her, is also good - it shows her that you're just doing your job as a parent.  I would also forbid her from hanging out with kids who smoke and drink.  

I would hope that she'd reconsider the counseling, but if she doesn't go, you might still be able to get advice from a counselor on how to communicate with her and how to respond to her challenges.  Go alone if you need to.

The best way to meet different friends is to get involved in a constructive activity, such as a school sport, music group, or club. How about a church youth group - most will accept non-church members' kids. A community organization?  Volunteering at an animal shelter?  There are many possibilities, but you can't force her to join.  Just present her with information and see if she shows any interest.

You may not be able to provide her with a mother figure.  It would be nice if she could find an adult woman that she trusts.  Perhaps if she joins an activity, a coach or mentor can fill that role. There is also Big Brothers-Big Sisters; I don't know what their maximum age is.  

Sitll, one loving parent can be enough. Continue to tell her you love her, and that you will listen as non-judgmentally as possible if she ever wants to talk to you. You are a good dad.  Don't ever give up on her.

Answer 9

You are doing all the right things now by letting her know smoking and drinking are not acceptable.  Keep it up and don't let her by with this.  But do try to remember, she is behaving like a normal 14 year old.  She's at the age when kids are curious about things like his.  It doesn't make the other kids "bad kids" either, they are probably just as curious as her.  If you want to let her continue these friendships, you need to get to know their parents too.  See what kind of people they are and then decide if these kids really are bad or just acting out like your daughter.