She is constantly calling, screaming, RUINING our life!!!?

Question

My husband's ex gf that is. They have a nine year old daughter. She lives with her mother, and my husband and her are in the process of trying to get custody/visitation rights worked out. They both have an attorney, and my husband has told her that their daughter can call anytime, but they need to strictly speak through their attorney's since they can't agree on anything. She called last night, the third time since Friday, screaming and cursing at my husband, about how sorry of a father he is and blah blah blah. She is denying him visitation with his daughter, over Money!! Money that he does not even owe her. My husband and I are fighting about this constantly because evertime he talks to her he stays mad, and takes his frustration out on everyone around him. I'm tired of our kids (we have 2 together) seeing all this drama, and not getting to see their sister. They had a court date set last month to get all this finished, then she called and they come to an agreement on everything regarding their daughter. A week later, my husband recieves papers from her attorney stating that he would not have physical or legal custody, no holiday visitation except for Thanksgiving Day every other year, pay half of her attorney fee, and pay back shild support in an amount her and her attorney come up with.

She wants my husband to believe that her attorney told her that would be in their child's best interest. Will an attorney tell you what to put in custody papers, and what is in the child's best interest? How is this in their daughters best interest to see her father four days a month? All she is worried about is money. My husband has paid good money for his attorney in all this, he agrees to pay child support, put her on health insurance, pay towards some outstanding medical, and pay 1/2 of any out of pocket medical expense, and school clothing. He also agreed to let her claim their daughter every year as a tax deduction. All he wanted was standard visitation, joint legal custody, extended summer visitation, and all holiday rotation. Isn't that what he is supposed to get? He wants to be fair, and try to put his daughter's needs first, but how can he deal with her mother, when she is not willing to compromise on anything? She threatens him about how in court it's going to go her way, because they always favor the mother, and how the judge is going to throw the book at him. What do we need to do to finish this?

Any advice will be appreciated!!

Answer 1

well for starters if he is mad when he gets off the phone with her give him some space don't start asking questions give him time when he wants to talk he will. i know he is your husband but the problem is between him and his ex. when u get involved it makes it worse for him cause that's just more stress from both sides. i no ive been there. as for the other stuff the court will decide who does what and they do not always favor the women

Answer 2

I am sorry but this is one selfish woman that craves attention from your husband through her daughter. She probably feels that getting negative attention from him is better than getting none at all. You think that the mother would be happy that her child's father wants to include his daughter in his life but this situation appears to be more about the mom than the well being of her daughter. Your husband can only do what he can to stay connected to his child and just go with the flow of things and that is it. I understand his pain through all of this but he needs not to take it out on his own family and stay as focused as he can on all of you in a good way. When it comes to only seeing her 4 times a month he may have to accept this and move on with his life in the here and now. Eventually this child will grow up and make her own choices about her dad if the mothers brain washing her against the father doesn't affect her? I can honestly see how some fathers feel the need to give up on situations like this when they have to go through an ignorant parent to get to them. If this continues to cause problems for your life and your own children I suggest that you all get some family counseling so that things are not taken out on all of you because everyone else can take only so much. I honestly hope things work out for the good for your husband and his daughter and as far as the mothers nasty attitude she someday can get over herself sweetie.

Answer 3

Ugh.   I'm the step mother to an 8 year old boy who lives with myself and my husband full time.  He only sees his mother for a few hours each weekend (his mother's choice and his choice, NOT ours we welcome him to go whenever he pleases) and only sleeps there one night every 4-6 weeks.  We get along wonderfully with his mother though and I'm very thankful we have a good relationship.

That being said, my ex fiance from years ago had 2 children and his ex was a NIGHTMARE.  She would call our house and leave voicemails saying I was a wh***, telling the children I was a sl**, etc.  It was HORRIBLE!  She denied visitation all the time even though we never missed even 1 child support payment.

Anyway, here's my advice on how to deal with the situation.  Until the courts work out who has the child when, unfortunately there isn't much you can do about her not allowing him to see the child.  Trust me, it will reflect VERY badly on her in court though.  In the meantime, your husband should STOP answering every last one of her phone calls.  He can let all calls go to voicemail and if they are about the children and ABOUT THE CHILDREN ONLY then he can call her back for a  SHORT phone call to discuss whatever need be discussed.  If she's just calling to rant about you or him or your parenting style, that call need not be returned.  Save all voicemails where she is yelling, swearing, threatening or insulting you and show them to your lawyer.   In court, you can explain to the Judge that you felt you could no longer answer her phone calls because she was constantly yelling and swearing and you didn't feel that it was necessary to deal with being verbally abused -- therefore, you allowed all calls to go to voicemail and if it were about the children you'd call back immediately, otherwise the call went ignored.

When he calls her back, he should keep his tone flat and monotone.  There is no need to raise his voice, yell, or sound either overly happy or overly pissed off.  Speak calmly and ONLY DIRECTLY about the children.  If she starts treading into another topic (especially negative ones) he can simply say "I called to speak about the children.  If this is not directly related to something about them or my visiatation with them, I'm going to hang up."  Allow her to speak.  If she veers back to the children, lovely.  If she doesn't, he can say "Call me back when you're ready to discuss the children and ONLY the children.  Goodbye."  And hang up.  That's ALL he's obligated to speak with her about.

I feel it's also important that he mention to her, once again calmly, that her keeping the children from him is hurting the kids.  Have him explain that the children have plenty of love in their heart for all their parents, and that its hurting them to be torn in different directions.  Have him explain that he's just as much their parent as she is and he loves them just as much as she does as well.  Have him say that he feels it's a shame that she's not willing to cooperate with him for the sake of the children.  If these are things he's uncomfortable saying to her, then maybe have him send it in a certified letter -- that way you have a copy and have proof that she received it.

Things like this can be a giant mess and it's a shame she's going to go the hurtful route and be detrimental to her children to get back at him.  Hopefully everything works out for you all in the long run -- the courts don't favor the mother THAT much, he will not get shafted when it comes to his kids, don't worry.  Try to keep your chin up and struggle through these times until the Judge's ruling.

Good luck.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

My friend was in a similar custody battle. All I can say is be prepared. These things can take years to resolve themselves. Even after they are resolved any little problem that occurs might mean back to court. Your husband needs to find another way to deal with his frustrations. Do remember that we are all human and could only swallow so much without it affecting our lives. Have your husband also address her in writing. This way there is conversation that is documented. Her lawyer is HER lawyer. He will obviously suggest things that make her happy. Not things that are beneficial for the child.

Answer 6

First, the phone calls can easily be handled by caller id and don't answer. Yes, I know you don't like cutting off communication with child, but you need to until this is all settled in court. Just explain that to other child living with crazy mother that it's best that way to keep from all the fighting. Second, what her lawyer advices means nothing until the judge agrees and it is written in stone (an order). To tell you the truth though- what she and the lawyer are demanding is very standard ( they usually always give the main custody to the biological mother). Otherwise- you'all would have to hire a good lawyer to fight her lawyer.  I would just ride this out. It'll calm down after things are settled by the court. She can't get exactly what she wants unless her lawyer can prove to judge- why?- are you unfit-drug or alcohol use, ect.. otherwise he'll probaly grant you joint custody.

Answer 7

You need to document every interaction and get a recorder and record her calls. Make sure your husband is not contributing to this behavior. If he gives that stuff to a judge, he will rip her.

If you want the hatred to stop, tell her that all calls are being recorded but only once. That protects you not only in that you notified her, but also if she is aware she may stop being a you-know-what. If she doesn't, you have plenty of evidence. Your family is in a war- you have to treat it like that and FIGHT.  

Answer 8

There are always two sides to every story but I am confused about your statedment. Having experience on both sides with my oldest daughters father and my fiance and his ex I know how sticky these situations can get. But you said he will see her 4 days out of the month and every Thanksgiving . Well to be honest every other weekend is normal. The holiday and summer situation he got screwed on and needs to hire a better attorney and get it revised. But it seems that you are mostly venting on the money part and not the visitation.

My ex got every other weekend and we rotate christmas, easter, thanksgiving and spring break.  Summer is split in half. It sounds like thats all that needs to be fixed is holidays and summer.

If you are going to court then that all your husband needs to say. I want every other weekend, half of summer and rotation of holidays. If he or you starts going off about money than the judge is going to see that your not concerned about his daughter. My fiance and I went to court over his son and it was the same thing she wanted a c**p load of money. We showed up to court let the attorney figure out the child support based on income, he showed receipts of what we purchased for his son and he wrote out what days he wanted for visitation. The judge told him that he is one of the few fathers that actually came to court level headed and calmed and focused on visitation and not the money issue. The courts job is to make sure the child receives a fair amount of support from both parent, not s***w the fathers over.