She said yes! but i said no

Question

My girlfriend and I have just moved in together as of yesterday. We just got back from an 8 day trip where we still wanted to move in together after being inseparable for the trip, so that’s a good sign. We have been dating for a year and we love each other. I am divorced and she has never even lived with anyone. We were cautious in not moving too fast i.e. moving in together. We even moved into to separate places at the same time in May. The time seems right now, and we are excited.

Anyway…She was the first to bring up marriage. She told me that if I asked, she’d say yes. She prompted the shopping for and the choosing of the ring. I realize now that I was hasty in doing what I thought she wanted so I went along without analyzing my feelings on the matter. For some reason I had assumed that she expected me to ask her on this recent trip. So I asked her. She said yes and was happy. Later that night she asked if we are rushing it and said what if we fall out of love? Falling out of love is something that both she and I have done in the past with at least one other partner. She really fears this happening again, for either of us. I reacted and was kind of hurt and mad. We talked and cried and in the end, I said, let’s just put the ring away for now and just get settled in to our new home together. Since then, she has had a freedom. She found out that I have these fears too as I told her my doubts and fears. Instead of it making her anxious, it was a relief that I worry too.

For a few days I second guessed everything and was anxious. I said that I should return the ring within the 14 day satisfaction time, and then put it on lay away and that made her sad. I said that I wont then. I think that’s a good sign that she’s in this for keeps.

Please refrain from anything regarding the stats on living together before marriage (read them) or the sin factor…thank you in advance ;)

Does anyone have a story like this that may help me work this out?

Answer 1

She is afraid she is rushing you and that you'll leave her because of it. She wants to be engaged and get married, but she wants YOU to be excited about it, not just her.

I think you need to figure out what YOU really want. If it's to marry her then propose already and put some thought into making it special so she knows you mean it. Then get ready for wedding plans. Remember this will be her first wedding and she's going to be excited and stressed out.

Good luck!!

Answer 2

As far as I can see there is nothing for you to really work out. It sounds like the both of you have handled this with good sense and maturity.

I know that each of you has a fear of falling out of love or being hurt by the other person - but those fears are a natural part of life. If you deny feeling those things then that is when you end up in trouble.

For right now just enjoy each other's company. Don't focus to much on "defining" the relationship - focus on enjoying one another.

As for the ring - I honestly would return it. I think that when you do propose next time it should be a surprise with a new ring - a fresh start; not something that you both just rushed into.

You both did the right thing. For having that kind of maturity and being able to talk it out you are years ahead of the game.

It sounds like the two of you will make a good match. Just take it slow and "stop and smell the roses" as they say...

  

Answer 3

Love isn't something you "fall" in or out of. Love is a choice. Do you see yourself choosing to love this person every day? Yes? Then wait until the time feels right and ask her again how you want to ask her, assuring her you will ask when you feel the time is right for both of you. Then show her you mean what you say by literally choosing to love her each day.

Is your answer no? That's okay too...you always, always have another choice and can back out of ANY situation and you won't be a bad person for doing so.

PS - She's sad b/c the ring is new and shiny and represents hope. Rings are fun and pretty. But if she's in it "for keeps" as you have said above then she won't care if the ring is a rubberband. You are the jewel. ;)

Answer 4

I don't have a story to share but I do have an observation.

The openness you are sharing with each other is a very positive sign.  It shows that you trust each other enough to reveal inner thoughts and fears.  That takes courage and trust.

I can't say whether you're relationship will lead to marriage.  I don't know that either of you are sure of that either.  But, you are certainly communication honestly with each other and that is a very important factor in a sold relationship.

As for the ring, I say return it.  That ring is a symbol of your confusion.  When the day comes that you decide to marry, buy a new ring as a symbol of that new commitment.

Good luck to both of you.

Answer 5

I'd return the ring. You guys are doing the right thing by talking about it. Give it another 9 months to a year. If you feel like marriage is right, propose then. Just don't let her know so it will be a surprise that time.  

Answer 6

I don't have any stories for you, but I can tell you that the feeling of being in love will come and go. (things I've seen from older people at work, church, college, home, etc). Anyway, love needs to be deeper than that for a marriage it needs to extend beyond simply a romantic love. Don't get me wrong romance is great, but you need to diversify your love. you also need the kind you'd have for your mother simbling, you also need the kind you'd have for a close friend.  It all comes together and matures. Its something every couple could work on, and I think its what really holds a marraige together. If you can love her even when you don't feel like it, I'd say you're ready.

Answer 7

you can't help falling out of love. sometimes it happens.

Oh, and about the stats on living together before marriage: generally a good idea, but I know TONS of people who didn't do it and they are happily married so I think either way it doesn't really matter. And I don't know what sin factor you are talking about, since your living situation seems completely fine.

What you both have to acknowledge is that sometimes you DO fall out of love. But right now you are in love, and there is no reason for you not to be happy. You could be together forever, or you could fall out of love later, but at least you were happy for a time.

I don't think you should return the ring. If you really are in this for the long run, and you love you, you are just unsure of if you're ready for marriage, use the ring as a promise ring or have a long engagement. Theres nothing wrong with that.

You proposed and she said yes. Obviously she wants to marry you. And if you want to marry her, even sometime in the future, do it. Do it and don't look back and have regrets. Things WILL change, they always do, but they don't always change for the worse. Instead of worrying about falling out of love one day, just accept the possibility and move on with your lives NOW. And if that means getting married, then so be it.  

Answer 8

You are both being smart by waiting for the marriage. I for one didn't want to move in without marriage, so we ran off and did it one day, no warning for anybody.

There's a big difference between being "in love" and actually loving a person.

I was "in love" with a boyfriend I had for three years. That didn't last. He "fell out" of love, and broke my heart.

Next week I will have been married a year, with the most wonderful man in the world, whom I love with all my heart. The only man I've love more, and longer than him is my father (another great man)

See, I grew to love my husband, to the point of considering him my best friend. He's a person I can trust and can count on no matter what.

I have no fears of falling out of love with him.

You love your parents, your siblings your cousins, your best friends, all in different ways. There are very few things that can break those bonds. I have that kind of love for my husband.

Not the kind that you "fall into", because that's just falling for impressions, illusions of the person they want you to see, and you want them to be. Those impression and illusions lead to disappointment. I "fell in love" with the illusion of that ex...

When you learn who the person is in truth, and learn to accept them for who they actually are, faults, and all... That's when you know you love them.

Annoying as he can be, I still love my husband, and wouldn't change him for the world...

Answer 9

Heres what i would do.

#1- Return the ring. Let her know that its not because you dont love her the same way, but because you feel that you both need some time to think about this serious commitment.

#2- Set a date a few weeks from now where the two of you can have a nice dinner and talk things over. This will give you both time to think things through. Then once the date comes, ask her how she feels about the things you discussed earlier.

#3- If one or both of you still have the same worries, consider starting a journal. Write down how you feel about it every day. Sometimes putting your worries into words can help you (and your partner!) better understand the problem.

#4. Once you guys do decide you're ready, go ahead with the plan for marriage. You'll be happier that you waited until both of you felt confident!

Hope this helps, and good luck!