She won't sleep, am close to losing my mind!!!?

Question

Our daughters 20 months, we have a routine which has worked perfecly until the past month.Normally my hubby would take her up at about 8pm & she'd be asleep within 30 mins. Since she's become clingy with me she screams when he takes her up for me & even made herself sick one night. Once I am up there she starts playing and falls asleep between 10-11pm. If I don't go up she just keeps shouting me or crying until eventually falling asleep really late. She has little or no naps during the day, she looks very, very tired and this effects her behaviour - she gets very wittery.

Me & hubby never spend any time together anymore, or any time just doing something we enjoy.

I have started shouting all the time, one thing I said i'd never do but I just feel shattered and that I can't cope anymore, she's hard work, so highly strung in nature,I wake up feeling down each day & hubby has noticed that I don't smile much so am worried he's going off me.

If she'd just sleep like before it'd be ok.

Answer 1

Kids like to change things up on you and it stinks!  I remember getting to the point with our daughter where she slept through the night then all the sudden she was up!  I know its very important for you and your hubby to have alone time and I know about the sanity that escapes you when you lose sleep!  Talk about frustration, everything is effected.

The best thing that we did was called Focus on the Family.  They have child psychologists that talk to you about your child's individual needs.  One thing is kids still need about 10 hours of sleep a night (at least) so as our daughter gets up at 6:30 am no matter what .. we put her to bed at 7pm.  

She started refusing to take naps soon after two and I would get so frustrated I would have to walk away sometimes because I was loosing my temper.  If you get that frustrated it's best to walk away and cool down (when you are alone they are fine in their room for a few minutes ) in fact, it's better for them and you.  I would never abuse my children but I can see why sometimes people smack them.  It is soo wrong but you can get that frustrated.  If you even feel like that you need to walk away.   NEVER lose control but lack of sleep can bring you there.

SOoo nap time was hard, in our daughter's case she is strong willed so she soaked up any emotion good or bad.  Focus told me not to let her see me get mad or frustrated as she would feed off of that.  She knew she was pushing my buttons and she knew she had control.  That was the first step in our case.  

I could go on and on about nap time but you can email me and we can talk about that naps are still needed at 20 months (Heck our daughter is almost 4 and she still has a nap unless we are out all day lol.)

The issue is bed time.  It sounds like when she has mommy put her to bed she is fine but when daddy does it that's the prob?  I would compromise and work into him doing it.  Now we are not giving in to her but she is comfortable with you because well, you're mom.  Maybe daddy could help her get ready for bed, brush teeth , give the bath (if you do that) get her into her PJ's and so forth.  That will ease her into him being there at that time.  This is what we do as she is used to me getting her to bed.  

The other thing is to have an hour of cool down time b4 bed.  If you want her in bed at 8 then at 7 put away the toys, have a story, and put on some relaxing music.  TV off things calm and make this a routine.  She will get used to this being close to bedtime.  Then have another routine to get her ready for bed.  Talk about your day and make sure that any fears are addressed.  Someone let our daughter watch a movie that scared her and it was after that she started fearing her room.  That would have been nice to know before hand so it wouldn't have had a chance to escalate grrr

  Above all else keep it calm...

Bed is not a time to get crazy and have a tickle war or anything (still have to get on my hubby about that one lol).  The other thing I learned (because we do spank) you don't want to spank b4 bed or nap as that stimulates their adrenaline and they wake up.  Not what you want lol.  Try these things and see if that helps.  It will take time but the key is persistence.  Then eventually you and your hubby can once again have time together.

Another thing you can do to have the much needed private time in your marriage is have a date night.  Even if it's once a month where you and your hubby can be at home or out somewhere for a few hours.  You need that... we are blessed that my in laws volunteered to take our daughter every other friday for this purpose for about 3 hours (or more if we are doing something special).  Find someone you trust and see if that can be arranged.  It may need to be an afternoon for a while until she gets used to bed time.  OR you can go out after you get her to bed and have your mom there are something.  Time together is much needed in a marriage especially after kids.

Answer 2

Well, it sounds like the both of you are really exhausted! She's probably just not getting enough sleep. Babies really need their naps. OR they need 12-14 hrs of sleep per day. And if she's OVER tired by 8pm, that just may make it harder for her to sleep. Put her down for a nap every day, same time. Even if she doesn't sleep, maybe she will eventually when she's used to routine, or at least she'll have quiet time. Then put her to bed again at whatever time works for you guys. Stick with the routine..

THEN...try to find someone who can watch her for a few hrs now and then... YOU time and you and hubby time is VITAL. I just found someone to watch my kids for 3 hrs once a week, just so I can have ME time and it works WONDERFULLY for my MIND!

Answer 3

It's normal for some children to go through a phase like this, but you must stick to your guns now to stop this phase before it gets any worse. What your daughter is doing is typical attention seeking behaviour and you need to put a stop to it. There is nothing really wrong with her when she screams for you at night she has simply learnt that you will go up and will let her play with her toys if she carries on screaming. You need to break the cycle as soon as possible.

Tyr having bath time and then a story with you downstairs on the couch. At bedtime (should be earlier than 8pm at her age, try 7.30 instead) say goodnight to her downstairs and have dad take her up gently but firmly and say goodnight. If she starts screaming or gets out of bed you take her back up to bed and kiss her goonight but tell her firmly that "It's bedtime, time for sleep now." If she gets out of bed or carries on screaming have dad go in and firmly tuck her back into bed without saying anything and without giving any hugs (its sounds harsh but at this point anything is attention and reinforces the behaviour). If she continues screaming from this point you must ignore it and stay away from her room. If she makes herself sick again get dad to calmly clean it up but make sure he doesn't give her any fuss or cuddles (remember she has made herself sick, there isn't actually anything wrong with her). Don't speak to her just get dad to firmly put her back in bed and leave the room. If she gets out of bed just get dad to take her back up without any speaking or cuddles. The reason you should get dad to do all this is that it is important for her to realise that her dad is part of things too and also to realise that the way to get mum's attention is not by screaming and crying.

I won't lie for the first couple of nights this is going to be really hard and I know hearing her screaming for mummy will break your heart and drive you mad at the same time, but you must stick to your guns. Try to ensure that you have time during the day for positive interaction where you and her have fun alone and you really praise her for good behaviour. After a few nights you will find things getting much easier and she will settle a lot faster providing you really stick to the routine. Children need to know that you will be consistant with them, ultimately if you keep breaking the routine and giving into her it will only upset and confuse her more.

Hopefully after a while you and your husband will get your evenings back and you will start smiling more again and spending time together again. Think how he must feel with his daughter screaming for her mum and not allowing him a look in, he must feel rejected and hurt by her behaviour even though it isn't caused by anything either you or he have done.

One last thing that will help is that as well as you spending positive time with her in the day ensure that he does the same and that you also spend positive time together as a family. If you and your husband start shouting at each other that will only increase your daughter's clinginess as she reacts to the hostile atmosphere. Also make sure that you are both doing the same things in terms of discipline and rules during the day. If one of you is being too 'soft' when she is naughty this will confuse her and also lead to clinginess as she is not sure what is going on in her world anymore. Have a talk with your husband about this if you think it is a problem, make sure you agree on some middle ground for rules and discipline but don't turn it into accusations as this might make things worse. Discuss it when your daughter isn't around obviously! Hope this helps and that you all start getting more sleep in your household.

Answer 4

She needs a nap from about 1-230 or 3 pm. She needs to go up at about 8 and you need to read her a story, put her in bed, and leave the room. If she cries, she cries. Don't go back in there. She is manipulating you into letting her stay up until whenever she wants to. She's acting tired because she IS tired... She needs to nap (put room darkening shades in her room and a white noise machine so she can't hear you walking around the house) and she needs to go to bed before she's overtired, and YOU need to leave the room and let her do her thing until she falls asleep.

Answer 5

try bathing her before bed and if you dont already then read her a story.do you leave a light on for her?if not then try it.she is about the age when they suffer from night terrors, my grandaughter suffers from this but its only a tempoary thing.

Answer 6

Kind of going through a similar situation with my 18 mnth boy at the moment and folks at work have suggested all of the above but also the possibility of the cot being the problem. It doesn't say here if you still have one but yesterday I took the side off the cot and have just worked a night shift so haven't yet any idea if that has changed things for me but it did work for at least two colleagues as their children seemed to be afraid/frustrated at being stuck and settled once they had a little control about getting out of bed. The obvious drawback here is you get a little visitor at odd times of the night but it seems it makes actually going to bed that bit easier. I finish in an hour so I'll see if this advice is any use. Good luck!

Answer 7

ok , have you tried giving her horlicks in her beaker as that did wonders for me when I was a child.buy a lullaby CD and play it in her room, sing to her in her bed , once she falls asleep , go downstairs and if she comes down just place her back in her bedroom , say to her the first time its time for bed and after that don't say anything as talking and paying attention to her enforces her behaviour to not stay in bed.Have you any relatives nearby who could give u and your hubby a break? does she attend any mother and toddler groups/ nurseries? if she doesn't, start taking her as this would give both you and her a chance to interact with other people , this would be ideal for you to talk to other parents who could possibly be in the same boat as you.

the very best of luck to you and your family

Answer 8

I understand.

Make sure her room is safe, put her to bed and leave.. she may be going through a growth spert try peanut butter and milk about 1 hour before bed.

and just let her cry, i mean it, she will learn that it dose not work and stop, but now it is working and it gets you in there. She gets what she wants....

Answer 9

It is normal for a child to have certain periods of clingy-ness, especially while going through certain stages themselves.

Their world expands rapidly and most kids have a hard time coping with that (getting teeth, learning to walk etc.).

Please try to remember that she is not out to get you. She is not doing this to upset you or make you feel miserable. She is not feeling too well herself and you are the only person she trusts enough to let her frustration out with.

Thinking about it this way, might make you feel a little more appreciated as a mom.  Lord knows you feel horrible when having feelings of resentment towards her, and just wishing for her to go to sleep and shut up.

It's totally normal and many mom's have this.

The solution however is creating a good schedule.

This will give her back some structure in her life, and it will certainly bring back structure in yours.

Sit down with your husband, and draw up a schedule you both think is right. Stick to it.

If it says bedtime at 7, make sure it's bedtime at 7.

It will be very difficult in the beginning. She will kick, scream and do many things to get your attention.

Go into her room (don't pick her up!) and tell her in a calm voice that it is time to sleep. Maybe sing her a song.

Then leave.

This worked perfectly for my son, who had me feeling just as frustrated as you are feeling now, to the point of thinking about just leaving and never coming back.

Please try this schedule thing. Children are to adapt to you, not the other way around.

You must bring back calmness and authority, although I know this is very difficult, it can be done!!

Good luck!

Answer 10

When you said take her up at 8 and asleep in 30 minutes, did you mean he stays there until she is asleep?

I am not sure what to do as all kids are different, but try this:

Start "quiet time" at 7:00.  Give her a bath, get her in pj's, give her a cup of milk and let her do something that relaxes her, like watch a show she likes or read stories with you.  Then (by about 7:30-8:00) take her to her room and do a quick before bed thing (sing a song, say prayers, read a bedtime story) put her in bed, tell her goodnight, and leave.

There are two keys to this working-  One is to get her relaxed and make bedtime enjoyable, the other is to stick to the routine.  Do this the same way everynight, especially the bedroom part.  Read the same story, sing the same song, etc, each night.  She should get the hang of it.  There is no reason your husband should do this instead of you.  You should both be able to do it.