Short Joke 4 Friends :D?

Question

My friends are sending me jokes but i don't know any to send back lol Can anyone tell me a funny short joke to text them.

Thanks xx

Answer 1

an old one----

whats not red..... no tomatoes

im off to kill myself, solong

Answer 2

A teenage girl asked her mother if it was true that babies come out where the boys go in. Her mom replied yes. Then the girl asked won't that break my jaw?  

Answer 3

Top things NEVER to say to a policeman:

I can't get my license unless you hold my beer.

Hey, you must've been doing at least 210 just to keep up with me! Good job!

Don't you dare arrest me! My tax dollars pay your salary!

Things to remember on Halloween:

If you hear a loud noise in the basement and find out it's "only the cat," get the heck out!

To investigate dark places, use more than just a candle.

If your car stops on a lonely country road, and you are pretty sure that you had a full tank, and the only shelter is an abandoned house, shoot yourself. You'll die anyways.

If you see that your friends are acting weird, like they are growing hair fast or have a fascination for blood, get the heck out of there!

Even though that monster is just ambling along and you're running, it still is going fast enough to catch you. Also expect to trip and fall at least twice.

Times when you know that you're a slob:

You're injured in a locker avalanche.

You can get dressed without getting out of bed.

You finally found the remote in a place where it's useless--flush.

At graduation, the principal threw you your diploma.

What's black and white and red all over?

Answer: A penguin in a blender.

Directions to use these jokes:

Use sparingly in e-mails. Repeat.

Answer 4

when u were born- god appeared and said sorry for da mistake, kindly adjust

OR

principles of student life-

1.luv ur bed,its ur temple

2. relax in the day, so u can sleep at mjite

3.books r holy-so don touch em

4.dont do sumthing tomorrow, which u can do day after

5.if u feel like studying then, wait till that feeling goes away

6.don forget that studying is healthy so leave it for the sick people.

7. don forget any of the above!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 5

Here's a couple I've recieved by text lol...

1. omg, there i was watching tv and as i flicked over, there you were....

playing the drums in a Cadburys commercial!!

2. Need a favour! im in custody at the nick, they've charged me with being the ugliest fkr in england. can u come down n show them they've made a mistake

Answer 6

Hi I'm Just Texting You To warn You That Aliens Are Coming Down To Earth And Are Abducting All Gorgeous s**y people Don't Worry Ur Safe I'm Just Texting To Say goodbye.

Not Exactly Short But I received It Not That Long Ago lol

Another Similar One :

Hi I've Just Had some News That Call Charges On Your Network Are Changing The Uglier you Are The Cheaper The calls , from Now On All Your Calls Are Free , Enjoy ! :P

Made Me Laugh When I Got Them x

Answer 7

How do you kill a man?

Ask him to jump off his ego and land on his IQ.

_______________

What do you call a boy who stands in a river?

Adam.

_______________

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

_______________

What do you cann a man with no lower legs?

Neil.

_______________

Man : I need to marry 16 women. 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse

_______________

Three things men know about women.

1.

2.

3. They have b***s.

_______________

What did the elephant say to the man?

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Answer 8

I failed every subject except for algebra. How did you keep from failing that? I didn't take algebra!

Why was the ghost of Anne Boleyn always running after the ghost of Henry VIII?

She was trying to get ahead!

What was the first thing Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne?

Sat down!

Teacher: Are you good at math?

Pupil: Yes and no

Teacher: What do you mean?

Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math!

What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?

The juve-niles!

Answer 9

News Broadcaster

The IRISH have seen to worst SMALL aircraft accident for many years. The plane had 7 people on board.

It landed in a Cemetery and all passenger and crew are suspected dead.

Rescuers have already found 10 bodies, but it is expected to reach hundreds as their digging continues into the night.

Answer 10

hey send me a pik of you. im sitting on the toilet right now and i need something to scare the c**p out of me      lol

Answer 11

1. a matress company produced a matress which was so firm that people had to bruise their knees when they tried to get on it!

2. the only time i am positive there arent two sides to every argument is when I am in one!

3. i thni kmy doctor is a quack...last week i went to him with a broken leg and he put glue in the area!