Short Poem " escaping my father"?

Question

I'm 15 and i wrote this poem - it did not happen to me but did to a friend of mine. I wrote it on her behalf.

The day is dark, the day is bad,

I awake to the bark, of my dad,

Screamin at mum, and at me,

We try and run, we try to flea,

My father searches, but cannot find,

We are hiding, much far behind,

In the morning he finds me,

Cuddling just myself, I can’t see.

My mother is gone, no,

I’m left alone, with my dad,

I can’t believe it, he's so mad,

What has happened, I don’t know,

He told me to get up, and go.

I left that day, as he said so.

I never returned to that place.

Could never look into his face.

Comment are welcome, is it a good poem/story?

Answer 1

u can give a better concluding line but this is fine too.

Good job. I really liked your poem

Answer 2

rhymes don't make it a poem, but it is a good sad story. work on your style, figures of speech... you should always know what effect you can achieve by showing yours readers, not just telling them, something that you have shown you can do easily in your story.

and now the rhymes, the most of them are composed of so called monosyllabic words, and that presents more of strength (male rhymes), and you have shown much by using them.

Answer 3

its so sad....im sorry for your friend.

yes its really good...you've definetely got talent....keep writing!

if you want you can check out a short story I did called 'angelic eyes' (the bottom of the page at shirlzstuff.wordpress.com)

you've got talent....never give up