Short Prose Poem. what do you think?

Question

Exhaled smoke dances between the frosts of the late afternoon breeze.

She holds the embers of tobacco-morphed ashes in the clutches of her broken fingernails.

Stains of crimson lipstick melt from the dying flames of her cigarette.

Tears of grey fall from her painted eyes onto her blushed cheeks gone cold.

Shiraz stains are camouflaged within the darkness of her black dress, while blemishing her white lies beyond repair.

Answer 1

Prose poems usually work best when they aren't too obviously 'poetic'.

"She holds the embers of tobacco-morphed ashes in the clutches of her broken fingernails."

makes it sound very much as if she is holding the cigarette by the ash end. This seems very unlikely.

"Shiraz stains are camouflaged within the darkness of her black dress"

I don't understand how a black dress would camouflage Shiraz stains. Black shows almost every kind of stain. And how come she has been spilling her drink down her - is she plastered?

And then again: cigarettes don't flame - they only smoulder.

....

You seem to have got hold of the general idea of a prose poem - but you are trying to be deep. Don't: reality is potent enough.

Answer 2

I like it. I can really picture what's going on, and it's intense.

Answer 3

love it

Answer 4

I think you are giving us too much to cope with in one go.  There is enough here to spread into other poems.The reader is bombarded with quite complex images - each needing space to breath.  

Surround your bright gems with duller stones, this will make them stand out.....edit this and you have a worthy poem.

For example

Exhaled smoke drifts in the clear frosted breeze.

Her broken-nailed fingers clutch

The remnants of her last cigarette.

Crimson lipstick melts in its dying embers.

Tears fall from painted eyes on new-cold cheeks

The Shiraz stains are hidden by the blackness of her dress

But it cannot hide the blemish of her lies.

(by putting The in front of Shiraz - it points to an incident....lover throwing glass of wine over her....something like that)

Hope this helps.  Keep writing

Answer 5

This poem is amazing !..reads like a story of a now miserable woman caught in the web of her lies !!!!!!!!!!!...excellent work here !!!!!!