Short Story Critique?

Question

What do you think of the short story opening below. It is in its infancy and not edited yet.

Constructive criticism based on general language and storyline would be appreciated.

He stood posed in his sponsers underwear with the most attractive blonde pressed up against him their, bodies glistening with oil.

'John, can you move a little to the left. We can't see Anya's left cheek” the photogrpaher yelled.

Anya threw herself across Johns body completely blocking him from view, Mario was too busy fiddling with his camera to notice.

“Uhm, Anya, you're covering my face” John tried to wiggle into view but Anya wasn't budging.

“Perfect! Hold it right there” the Mario yelled

John grimaced. Five months ago he would have been front and centre of this shoot with a gaggle of hot babes behind him. But his profile had dropped in the last few months.

'Not enough scandle to be a soccer superstar anymore' his agent had said on the phone last week.

Well John wasn't about to let himself fade into a has been. If it was scandle they wanted, he's give it to them. In fact ... yes. The reporters he was promised, were pulling intp the carpark.

“What the bloody h**l are you lot doing on my shoot” screeched Mario to the crew of people racing fom the car, his face purple with rage.

' John, John.' One of the reporters dashed towards him at a mad pace, microphone thrust in front of her, “Who is the mystery woman going in and out of your apartment last night? What's her name? what does she do? Is it true she's a Swedish popstar you're recording with? Are you having an affair?” The questions flew thick and fast.

John smiled coyly at the reported and tried to look shocked and serious

“Unfortunately I cannot comment at this time on the nature of my relationship with the woman you are refering to. It is a private relationship and I will announce it when I am ready.'

More reporters had pulled up and were rapidly making their way down to the fountain. The reporter quickly fired off some more question whilst her paparazzo snapped away. She was eager to get the story before everyone else.

“You say its private, does that mean romantic. What about Jessica, rumour has it you two were back together? Is it true that your mystery woman slapped Jessica at Heat nightclub last week?”

John couldn't believe how well this was going.

He couldn't wait to tell his 'mystery woman' all about it tomorrow, although by the time he saw her this would probably be headlining every magazine around. Not to mention how far it would travel on the net!

“I cannot state whether it is business, private or both at this stage. I will however ask that you respect Jessicas privacy until I get a chance to speak to her. That's all I have to say for now. I'm sorry but I really must get back to work.

John meandered back over to Anya to continue the shoot trying to look forlorn. It was hard work not to look estatic.

Answer 1

A few comments:

Watch out for those helper verbs (was, were, has, have, had, etc.).  They create a passive voice and you should avoid them if possible in your fiction.  So change "...Anya wasn't budging" to "...Anya didn't budge", and "More reporters had pulled up and were rapidly making their way down..." to "More reporters pulled up and rapidly made their way down..."

Also, be careful about using generic descriptions like "the most attractive blond".  This doesn't really provide any real image for the reader.  If it's important for us to see how attractive she is, than show us, don't tell us.  And I don't just mean list her attributes, but show it in a way that allows the reader to discover it for themselves.  In general, readers will enjoy fiction more when all those little light bulbs go off in their head -- when they understand what you're trying to convey without coming right out and saying it.  

Also, this story seems to hinge on the idea that this man has lost his popularity, yet these reporters race up to him with a barrage of questions as if he's the biggest star on earth.  If you really want to show how unpopular he has become, show how few reporters have arrived, and how dissapointed he is at the low turnout, etc.  

Answer 2

It was quite good but a bit confusing at times, i liked it though. Well done!