Short poem, what do you think?

Question

just a short poem about being shy, and people who get onto/look down on you for it. (particularly girls)

its midnight in my world

its only 11:00 in yours

we're connected by a phone line

all we're missing is the words

i strain my mind for something to say

but you just say that you should go

when im told im just worthless silence

it hits me harder then you know

Answer 1

i love it...

advice:get deeper words...don't make it too literal...

keep on writing...

Answer 2

i am a poem writer as well and have had some of my work reviewed by friend and teachers most said it was good and i love to read and help people with their creativity i really love the poem have you thought of adding on to it by chance?it would be a great poem if you maybe added a few stanza to it

Answer 3

That's a really, really nice poem. But when I read it, what I got what that it was about somebody in a long-distance relationship, who is slipping away and losing self-esteem. Also, maybe try some capitalization/punctuation to just help the reader correctly interpret the poem. So it would look something like this:

"It's midnight in my world,

it's only 11:00 in yours.

We're connected by a phone line,

all we're missing are the words.

I strain my mind for something to say,

but you just say that you should go.

When I'm left to feel worthless in the silence,

it hits me harder than you could ever know."

I changed a few words, but the basic structure remained the same. I think you have a LOT of potential, because your poem didn't have the conventional rhyming, you actually used the tones of the words ('yours' and 'words').

Hope I could be of help.

Answer 4

It's a good poem, I like it.  Sorry to hear your troubles though.  I'm a shy person too.  But one day, you'll find a person who likes your shyness...or someone who you don't feel shy around.  Hopefully.  Just keep trying and don't give up.

Answer 5

David I absolutely got the "feel" reading your poem.

=D Good job !!!