Should Age Matter In Marriage? ?

Question

I've known my girlfriend for a really long time (since middle school) but we didn't really speak that much. I moved away my freshman year of high school and ran into her some years later. We've been together for a year now and I truly believe that she's the person I'm suppose to spend the rest of my life with. I love her so much. I'm currently deployed to Iraq and I can't stop thinking about her and how much i miss her. Recently we've been talking about marriage. I'm 20, in the military and she's 18. We've been talking about marriage but everyone, including my family, is telling us that we're too young and we should wait til one of us finish school. I really want to marry this girl now civily and have a wedding ceremony after she graduates from college so no one knows but I'm also afraid of the criticism we'd most definitely get if someone were to find out we got married before hand and at such a young age, especially from our parents. Any advise please?! Also, with civil marriages, can anyone find out if you don't tell them you're married?

Answer 1

Dear Guy...I certainly see both sides of this, since I lived it. You see it as what's the big deal? Your family sees it like you're too young. Well...I dated my 1st boyfriend when I was 14 until 18 when we got married right out of HS. Of course we thought it would last forever, but it didn't. I know...everyone says, "We're different." I'm not telling you this to upset you, it's just how you think when you're younger. Sadly, most young couples don't make it because of a few things..One, is brain development. There is Scientific evidence that your brain is not fully developed at this age, which hinders good decision making. Another is experience in adult situations, such as paying bills, managing your money, and taking on the responsibilities that come your way. YES, people do get married and stay together..it happens.  I finally got remarried again when I was 24 and it has laster 21 years. I will say that even at 24, we were not as mature as we thought and had some rough years until about the age of 29 or 30. Everyone is different. Mature levels are different. Some people are ahead of others on this level. You may very well be mature enough. I think your family is only looking at your best interest. My daughter is 18 and had talked about getting married. These two coulldn't survive a week without help! See, what I'm saying? They are talking the talking, but not walking the walk. I'm sure your parents don't want to see you get involved in a situation when you have your whole life in front of you. I also married a Military guy and later he told me that he was scared, lonely, and desperate to have a wife. Those aren't good reasons for marriage.  Your case may be totally different. If you go this route, I wish you both well. I really do. Also, part of being grown up is calmly stating your case and not being worried about criticism if you truly feel strongly about something. You're not doing anything illegal, so you don't need to worry about criticism. Smile, and like a man, thank your parents for their love and concern.  Best Wishes........

Answer 2

When your parents say they disapprove because you're too young, they're not talking about age, they're talking about maturity.  The fact that you lack the courage to make decisions for yourself, and want to get married but hide it from people, proves that they are correct.  If you're too immature to stand up to your parents and say you're getting married whether they like it or not, then you are too young to get married.  Apparently, you can dodge roadside bombs in Iraq, but you can't face Mommy & Daddy.  That's kind of sad.

Answer 3

I think you should wait. Premature decisions are cruel. So give it the time it deserves. Its not about the criticism you should worry about but the real cause why people keep saying that you should not get married in that age. You just crossed your teenage and she is still there. Waiting is worth it. On the other hand, if you feel too hard about being married just discuss that with your parents and hope they can understand you.  

Answer 4

I have to agree with your friends and family, especially since you are thousands of miles away.  Things may be very different when you get back, and usually are.  My husband and I got engaged when I was 20 (he was 24 and out of college).  Waiting until I was out of college as well was the best thing we ever did.  I see nothing wrong with getting engaged, but I think you should wait as well.

Answer 5

Age matters a little. The fact is that at 20 and 18, you are both still maturing and your brain is not quite done developing. That is a biological fact. So the fact is that you two will not really be the same people you are now in four or five years. Then the question becomes this: will the NEW you and the NEW her still be compatible? You never really know, and it is ESPECIALLY a problem if you two will not be together. So it is a big risk. But- that doesn't mean it won't work out if you truly put the effort into it. That said, here are a couple of other things you really need to consider:

1. The family WILL find out eventually. When you have your ceremony, it will become really obvious really quickly when the paperwork doesn't match up. Your marriage license is, afterall, public record! YES people can, and will, find out if you get married in a civil ceremony. In fact, most places put it in the newspaper. Lie to your family or hers, and you will permanently lose their trust. Then they will never accept your marriage. Be honest up front. It is your life, so live it! Lying about it will prove to be a HUGE mistake. I can guarantee it.

2. If you truly love this girl and she truly loves you, then there is no reason not to wait if you two are not really ready to be married. You can get married just as easily in four years as now. So what is the big rush?

But like I said, it is your life. Live it. Good luck!

Answer 6

I met my husband when I was 18.  We got married when I was 20.  We are still married today...I am 24.  He is my best friend (3 yrs older than me).  We have been together since the day we met.  I don't think you can choose when you fall in love or with whom you fall in love.  I never thought I would be one of those people who got married with they we 20, but I did.  I love my husband and would not change a thing.  I think age does not really matter, but the maturity level of both people getting married.  If you are both ready and committed, go ahead.  Good Luck!

Answer 7

I have a few things to say here.  First of all being no, you are not too young to marry.  I do feel that there's no harm in waiting until you're older to marry, however, I was married at 21.  It takes a mature person to be able to marry at a young age and take the vows as seriously as they are meant to be taken.  If you and your fiancee (let's call her that) are up to the challenge and think you can take your vows seriously, then go for it!  This means the two of you need to realize divorce should NOT ever be an option unless there is infidelity or abuse.  You're marrying for life, not just until you're sick of one another.

My other concern would be why do either of you care what people think?  If you're not adult enough to put your foot down for what you believe is right and what you want to do, than you're not adult enough to be married.  You should each be able to look your families in the face and say "We are marrying one another, this is what we want to do.  If you cannot support us, I'm sorry you feel that way but we are doing it anyway and do not want/need any of your negativity."  If you care so much about what they think, you shouldn't go through with it.

Also, if your marriage is something you'd want to hide, don't go through with it.  You need to be mature enough to have the confrontations necessary to marry the woman you love.  If you can't have the confrontation, then please wait to get married until you CAN have the necessary confrontation.  Your marriage should be about the two of you, no one else.

Good luck!

Answer 8

Im not sure if anyone can find out if you're married or not, but quite honestly its no one else's business. You and your girlfriend are two consenting adults who want to get married. What age did your parents get married? Im sure they only want the best for you, and probably dont feel like you should need to embark on a HUGE journey such as marriage so soon. Do what you feel is best for you because ultimatley you parents have lived their lives and made thier own decisions. Now its your turn.

Answer 9

You can do what you want... but...

At age 20 you are less likely to stay together if you wait until say you're 25 or she's 25.

Why not just LIVE TOGETHER?

What's the point of being MARRIED if you can't PROCLAIM it to the World... especially to the people who COUNT... like your friends and family?

Answer 10

i dont know but i dont think ppl can find out

maybe you better wait if families dont like it but try to explain it to them, but i dont think that 20 & 18 is too young

it's great that you wanna marry her & not just have fun , if you get what i'm saying

Answer 11

No one can find out unless you tell them, or they find something incriminating...

Legally, you are both adults and can do as you please. Waiting until one, or both of you, graduate from college is a good idea though.  

Answer 12

ur too yyoung wait till u grow up